Your Highness

Prepare thyself for one twisted tale.

Through the chapters of time,

legends have been told

of brave knights, evil warlocks,

beautiful maidens, magical prophecies,

and other serious sh*t.

Be not afraid.

This is your destiny.

You will bear my seed,

giving birth to a new beast,

a new age:

An age where I will command mankind

in fear!

To arms!

At ease, Maiden.

When the light of the world flickers,

we, the Golden Order of Knights,

restore the rule of good.

You're safe now.

Then let us pray

that 100 years from now

when these two moons meet again,

there will be a hero

as brave as you, my lord.

A hero as brave.

Oh, f*** me.

Prince Thadeous of Mourne,

you are hereby sentenced to death

by hanging

for your illicit behavior

with the noble Dwarf King's

second wife Regina.

You're a disgrace to any kingdom!

I say hang the bastard.

Get on with it!

And your minstrel, Courtney,

is to be tarred and feathered

for unlawful association with a deviant.

Children, I'm allergic,

please. Let's not.

Please! These allegations,

they're being greatly exaggerated.

It was more or less just heavy petting

with a brief moment of penetration.

Disgusting!

He deserves to die! Kill him!

Hang the bastard!

Hey! Easy! That's not nice.

You, bloodthirsty little f***er!

Show me some respect, I'm a prince!

To the bowels of hell!

Good night, Prince.

Oh, dear gods.

Your Highness, what are you doing?

I'm escaping, Courtney!

Quit playing with those children

and help me!

Kill him!

Get him! After him!

Your Highness, wait for me!

Why are they upset?

All dwarf queens are unfaithful.

Hurry, Courtney, back to the kingdom!

Forgive us with your tiny hearts!

Faster sheepies, faster!

Please wait, sir!

Courtney, you've proven

yourself useless yet again.

Who's that?

We're safe and we're stoned.

Ganja!

They're gaining on us.

Oh, the dragon!

Those Highland Dwarves have got weapons!

Coming through.

Boobies!

Watch out, Courtney!

I'm telling father we should go

to war with these double-crossers.

Poultry!

Livestock! Courtney,

this is no time to be napping.

I'm a chicken.

Let's get back... Oh, look!

Mmm. A little feast to

break up this pursuit.

Dangerous, yet delicious.

I'm jumping out this window.

He's angry!

Courtney, break my fall with your body.

Ow! Please don't hurt my bottom!

Run, Courtney! Pick up the pace!

Why do people so little run so fast?

That was close.

Courtney, I've had enough

of this nonsense!

Crack-a-lacka, you little varmint.

They're devils, sir! They're devils!

- Get him!

- They're muscular.

- Get off me!

- That's it, sir!

Your Highness!

YOUR HIGHNESS:

Please tell me

that you completed your simple task

and secured the treaty

signed by the Lord of the Dwarf Village.

Father, they sent a beautiful woman

to distract me and I was defenseless.

Don't bandy words with me, Thadeous.

Your brother is to return

from his quest at any moment.

Please go and bathe yourself.

Why must I bow to greet him?

No one does anything special for me

when I do extraordinary things.

And what extraordinary things

have you done of late?

Do tell me. Enlighten me.

Courtney, what extraordinary things

have I done?

You took a bubble bath, ate some toast,

had a sleep for one hour,

and commissioned a naked statue

of your fine self.

God, if your mother could see you now.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Oh, dear gods.

It is with blossoming personal joy

that I announce the return

of the mighty,

the magnificent, the merciful,

Prince Fabious!

Hey, Prince Fabious, we adore you!

Welcome home, Prince Fabious.

You're my king, Prince Fabious.

Welcome home! You are adored.

It's Prince Fabious!

Prince Fabious, I'm here for you now.

Brother!

Oh, my god, I missed you so.

Great to see you.

Father.

My son.

Welcome home.

As you all know,

the evil wizard Leezar

has plagued our kingdom

with his foul creatures

and wicked ways for years.

But with my brave trusted knights

and my dear Simon.

Join us, my mechanical friend.

We have dispatched the latest

of these cold blooded enemies.

Behold!

The head of Leezar's mighty Cyclops!

F***, yeah!

Fabious! Fabious! Fabious!

Once again, Prince Fabious has made me

as proud as a father could ever be.

All the land owes him gratitude.

This is not the only good news

that I've brought home with me today.

Father, Brother, kingdom...

She is radiant!

I'd like you to meet my bride-to-be.

Belladonna.

Belladonna, my dear,

why don't you delight us

with your story.

Oh, no.

It's a story of strife and sadness.

No, no, it's not. It's a story of love.

- You don't have to tell it.

- Shh.

If she doesn't want to tell it.

She will tell.

This is a table full of your loved ones.

Oh. Okay.

I've been held captive by Leezar

in the Tower of Disorder

since I was but a child.

Never knowing love nor human contact.

But I never gave up hope.

Singing every day, praying

that someday my hero would find me.

And I did.

We had just slaughtered the Cyclops.

We were on our way home, and on the wind

I heard the most beautiful song.

Fascinating, really.

May we take pause for one moment.

Yes, sir.

Look at Courtney's new haircut.

Doesn't it make his head

look like the tip of a penis?

It's hilarious.

Thadeous, please.

What is your problem?

You, Fabious,

you're being selfish and greedy.

Stealing all the attentions.

Today is not just for you two.

Today is Thundarian's birthday.

Thundarian, is it your birthday?

It's not my birthday.

It's not Thundarian's

birthday, Thadeous.

Enough, enough.

My heart's desire, what is this?

No. That's a... We call that a fork,

and you use that for your food.

Right there. F***ing idiot.

Having spent years in the tower

has made her ignorant to some of

our customs and things in general.

Why, yes, of course.

If your mother were here today,

she would be a very proud woman,

Fabious.

Thank you, Father.

Which is why I ask your permission

to marry her at once.

The glory of romance!

I call upon my criers to proclaim

that tomorrow we'll see the greatest

wedding this kingdom has ever known.

And tonight, we celebrate!

I don't like this.

Courtney, will you make funny faces

to entertain me?

No.

Never triangle face.

I hate triangle face. It scares me.

Apologies.

Ah.

Good evening, Your Royal Highness.

Julie.

Hello, f***ing Julie.

What a wonderful,

wonderful evening, sire.

Yet another glorious achievement

in the whole firmament of starring

moments for your brother Fabious.

We shall remember it

for the rest of our lives.

Isn't that amazing how he can talk

and suck my cock at the same exact time?

Yes, it is. Incredible.

Oh, clean yourself up.

Should have closed your eyes, Julie.

I know your vulgarity masks your pain.

No, it doesn't.

I was trying to remember

the last time we had

one of these wonderful

evenings for you, sir.

Surely there must have been one

somewhere in the history of this

kingdom, of your illustrious life.

There must've been some moment

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