Youth in Revolt Page #3

to the paradise that lays beyond.

I won't let him out of my sight.

Where's the Nova?

See that, babe? They took it back.

Sailors are all talk...

...all the time.

Jerry.

Sh*t on a goddamn dick.

I have spent the last 15 years trying

to get this house to look just perfect.

Oh, God, Nick. Go get a pan quick.

It's dripping on my new shag.

Yeah, I'll get a pan.

You should have given that man

his money back.

Holy sh*t. There's still water

in the windshield thing.

But how'd they even get it in here?

Looks like they took it apart

piece by piece and then...

...reassembled it.

But that would take

an army of mechanics to do that.

Or a Navy.

Or a Navy, baby.

I told my parents about my sister

going all the way with Carlo.

Now she's playing that damn

Ashlee Simpson album over and over.

My life is a living hell, Nick.

It is a living hell.

Damn. I think I've got something

to cheer you up, my friend.

His name is Albert.

I don't know why you have a dog.

You hate dogs.

This is more than a dog.

This is my only tangible link

to the love of my life.

You met a girl?

She isn't just a girl, Lefty.

She's a comely angel...

...sent to teach me about

all that is good in the world.

Is she prettier than Millie Filbert?

Lefty...

...after seeing Sheeni

you would look at Millie...

...and you would see

no more than a slatternly wench...

...trying to muddy your perception

of what a pretty girl should be.

How do I know you're not

making this girl up?

Your life has really changed since

I last saw you, Nick.

How are things going with Millie?

I got this book,

Lovemaking for Advanced Gourmets.

I'm looking up some tips

so I can really blow her mind.

For instance, there's one in here.

You're supposed to stick your pinkie

inside of a girl's bumhole.

- Liar.

- Read it and weep.

I have it marked right there.

I think that Sheeni might find this

pinkie technique less than romantic.

Could I borrow this? Might be one

or two things I should know.

Yeah, it's fine.

- Hello?

- Hi, Nicky.

Have you any misdeeds to report?

I'm working on it.

Nicky.

- You sound concerned.

- If you don't take the initiative...

...how do you think you'll feel

when I marry Francois?

Who's Francois?

My future French husband.

Well, I mean,

I can't wait for you forever.

Nick, how is my darling Albert?

Albert is great.

We've been going on

these bonding jogs twice daily...

...which he loves.

I've been enjoying them too.

They've been getting me

into great shape.

That's wonderful, darling.

My one and only love

needs me to be bad...

...to overcome the inhibitions

that compel me to be law-abiding...

...polite to my elders

and excessively nice.

I have decided to create

a supplementary persona...

...named Francois Dillinger.

Bold...

...contemptuous of authority...

...and irresistible to women.

Francois is just the type

of aggressive sociopath...

...who can wage, and win,

a war of nerves.

Better give your mother a hug, son.

Oh, no.

It turns out Jerry had a heart attack

in a Dallas bar and took it badly.

He died.

When will the body arrive?

I'm afraid it's already been

shipped, ma'am...

...to his wife.

His wife?

Yes, ma'am, his wife.

It's also my duty to inform you

she wishes to claim the Lincoln...

...which he registered

to this address.

It's okay.

There, there. It's gonna be okay.

There, there.

Everything will be okay.

Those are my records.

What are you doing?

You're not gonna get this girl by

listening to records and jerking off.

Well, that wasn't my entire plan.

What is your plan, shithead?

Slouching your shoulders

while Trent boy has her on his lap?

I don't need you here right now.

I just need to think.

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

Not until you sink your filthy dick

in this tomato.

Not until you get what you want.

Now it's time to rebel, Nick.

It's time to be bad.

It's not a good day for that.

My mom got some devastating news.

That's perfect.

She's vulnerable.

She's fragile.

Now, what does she value

more than anything?

She values her things.

With the guidance of Francois...

...I quickly transformed myself

into a textbook juvenile delinquent.

Sheeni has held up

her end of the bargain...

...by finding Dad work at a magazine

called Progressive Plywood.

She called him

pretending to be a headhunter.

- Really?

- It took some convincing on her part.

Sounds cool,

but I don't know much about wood.

That's not what I've heard.

To my chagrin, the magazine is

owned by the father of Trent Preston.

- Let me go first, this is heavy.

- There were no other options.

Nice house, right?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks. Ex-squeeze me.

Sit over there.

- Oh, Nicky.

- Morning, everyone.

Isn't it nice of Officer Westcott

to drop by so early...

...and have breakfast with us?

Oh, it sure was. Yeah, that's nice.

Oh, your father called.

He got a job in Ukiah.

That's good for him.

Good.

Do you think it might be a good idea

if I moved in with him for a little bit?

You know as well as I do

that's not gonna work.

I depend on that

child-support money to eat.

Shouldn't you depend on child-support

money to support your child?

Hey, be nice to your mom, kid.

She's grieving.

When do I take this off?

How long do you leave it on for?

Just leave it on for three minutes.

Sh*t.

Those f***ers

are taking a shower together.

How repulsive.

- Sh*t! Sh*t! Turn it off!

- F***!

What was all that racket last night?

Nicky, I'm sorry if we disturbed you.

You know, this is my home too.

All of a sudden some stranger starts

staying over, I'm not even consulted.

What's with you, kid?

Just mind your own damn business.

No, you mind your business.

He's my son.

Nicky, you're right. I should have

informed you that Officer Westcott...

...was gonna be spending the evening.

I'm sorry.

I thought there were laws in the city

against illicit cohabitation.

Or are they just another

big policeman's joke?

Kid, you're asking for trouble.

Just don't.

Just don't.

Or what are you gonna do?

Shoot me with your gun?

All right, all right. Lance.

Okay, okay, okay.

You just shut your mouth right now.

Right now.

Thanks for breakfast.

Where are you going?

What are those for?

You and I are gonna find a nice quiet

parking lot and set this baby on fire.

- I thought we were gonna wreck it.

- Use your head.

No sense getting killed for a girl.

- Sure you know what you're doing?

- Relax, kid. I read the book.

Okay, pull over. Pull over.

We have to pull over.

Pull over now.

Okay.

We need to consider our actions

and what the consequences will be.

Listen, a**hole.

You've been making all the decisions

for 16 years. Look at where you are.

I'm here to rescue you from yourself.

Just be quiet

and let me blow some sh*t up.

Can I make one request since

it's my life that we're talking about?

Can we keep it to the absolute

minimum amount of destruction?

Yeah, perfect. Okay.

Absolute minimum. That's good.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes