Zack and Miri Make a Porno

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Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Get up Zack.

Come on, I don't wanna be late from work.

- Get out!

- Jesus, why not close

the f***ing door if you're gonna take a sh*t?

- It was closed!

- No, it was closed over, it was not closed.

-Shut the f***ing door!

- Okay, okay.

- What's that thing?

- It's a hand warmer.

We're going now.

Do you smell that? Is that the car?

- Oh, God.

- What?

-Oh, no.

- What?

-What?

- It's stuck in my balls.

What's happening?

-Pull over, pull over.

- Okay, alright!

Oh f***.

I think I burned my ball hair off.

It's not funny.

Can you help me pick out

an outfit for tonight?

I'm working till six.

Well, I can try stuff on at the store.

The store? No, how about instead

you get a friend?

But you are my friend.

- I meant a girl friend.

-Can you work for me tomorrow?

- Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

-Then you must come in the

next day, I tell you.

-It's Black Friday.

- Black Friday?

It's the biggest mall shopping

day of the year.

And since the mall is just up in the

street, I would like you to come and work.

-On Black Friday?

- Oh yeah.

-And we work on Movie Monday too?

- Sorry?

How about "N*gger Tuesday"?

N*gger Tuesday?

Is this a new day holiday?

You come to brother and tell

him he gotta work on Black Friday

You got any idea how

racist that sounds?

Telling me to come here and work,

what do you think you own me?

-I never said this, I tell you.

- But you thought it, didn't you?

You thought to yourself:

Oh I'm gonna for this n*gger,

cause I put food on his table

and clothes on his little

n*gger baby backs and he ain't gonna say sh*t.

-To say I'm a star.

- You shut up.

You're God damn right to say I'm a star.

Can't wait until the post office

settle my disability suit, cause

Deann I will be out this mother f***er.

-You can kiss my ass.

- You know what?

F*** you, f*** you and suck cock.

The hell with you.

- The hell with you.

-Zack, my boy.

- Yeah?

A customer with a hair lip speak me say you've

been watching baseball here the other night.

Football.

And no, that wasn't me.

Maybe the hair lip makes it sound like baseball.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe you hear it with an accent.

F*** you, okay?

One day I'm gonna put a camera there

and I can tell, I know, everything

you do when I'm gone.

Everything. Scratch your balls, take a sh*t.

Everything, I tell you. Okay?

F***er.

I hear both of you mother f***ers, I tell you.

-Why is he so f***ing ice trunk?

- F*** off, I tell you.

Very good, hmm?

Ghandi mother f***er telling me I gotta work

on Black Friday, and do some sh*t.

Like I don't wanna do some shopping too.

Biggest sales day of the year.

I'm getting me a flat screen TV,

you couldn't believe that.

That is actually my fault, I should tell you.

I asked for Friday morning off, so..

-Sorry about that.

- For what?

I actually just need

a lot of recovery time.

Tonight is me and Miri's ten-year-high

school reunion

I'm just gonna get f***ing

alcohol poisoning.

-Reunion?

- Yeah.

-Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

- I know, isn't that f***ed up when they do that?

Like, they say it is the

best chance to get everyone together.

People come back to the town for holidays..

But you know what? They can have it in the middle

of the summer at a f***ing blow job contest

that I was judging,

and it would still be retarded.

-So why are you going there?

- Miri is making me go.

Listen to him, why are you always bend over

backwards for the girl, knowing she ain't

getting annoyance.

We got a good thing going, man.

She pays out the rent, she does the dishes

she wakes me up in the morning.

Why complicate that with sex?

Besides man,

I've know her since the first grade.

You don't f*** someone you've met

in the first grade.

Excuse me, I've met my wife

in kinder garden

We got married in Senior year and she has been

the queen of my world ever since.

-But what if you could do it all over again?

- I would jerk off and live by myself.

- That woman is the ban of my existence.

- See!

Excuse me, can I get a cup of coffee?

-Black.

- Can't you see we're talking, White?

If you're gonna continue to emasculate me

with this barbie dress up sh*t

-I'm using your laptop.

- Don't forget to smack it when you turn it on

otherwise the screen doesn't come on.

-Why don't you spring get a new one of these?

- Same reason I don't spring for clothes

for tonight:
I'm broke.

There's a chick who works at Teen Juice

at the mall, you know

And I gave her a good deal in Yearn's so

she's letting me borrow this stuff for tonight.

What?

A vibrator online.

-What's wrong with the one you have?

- It died last week.

Look at the size of those f***ing panties.

Shoot that sh*t, shoot it.

Who even knew Amazon sold

sh*t like this. This is incredible!

Those are f***ing granny panties.

Okay, A:
I don't appreciate you violating the

sanctity of my Amazon wish list page

And B:
I'm not buying that thing on Amazon,

because turns out the over credit card they take

Oh sh*t.

I'm sorry guys, am I in the way?

You're f***ing fagot alright.

Let's go to Starbucks.

And he throws like a b*tch.

You know what else I throw: my nuts sacking

your coffees, so how does that taste f***er?

We saw your girl friend

in her under wear.

Well, too bad she's not my girl friend

you little f***er..

Are you still talking to me?

Just said I'm gonna look up

more f*** toys on Amazon.

Holy sh*t, at least they have

a flash light here too.

-What's that?

- It's a f***ing pocket p*ssy

That is shaped like a flash light for

discretionary jacking off.

That when you get caught no-one

thinks it's weird, you're just a guy

who likes to f*** his flash light.

-I'm totally buying this sh*t.

- Wow, if you got money to burn..

How about paying the electric bill?

-It's due already?

- Well, November's probably but

I was talking about September's.

Tell me, this doesn't rock.

Kinda look like you're f***ing Ronald McDonald.

That makes me want some McNuggets.

Why would you wanna buy a pocket p*ssy anyway?

That is so sad.

What? Excuse me, I forgot about the nobility that

a company is coming with a f***ing vibrator.

Real, seal, action.. Oh my God, if you start

f***ing little machines

I'm moving out.

What do you think a vibrator is?

It's a little machine.

How come you get to f*** something with

a motor in it, and I can't?

Cause I've never met a man who can make

me come like a vibrator does.

That is f***ing bullshit.

...ball of jerkings in the bathroom?

Holy Jesus, you do not use

my jerkings to jack in our bathroom.

No you know what I do actually,

is I light bunch of candles

And I sprawl out on my sheets

and I listen to Sting.

Now I'm a guy.. Give me two popsicle sticks and

a rubber band, I'll find a way to f*** it

Like a filthy McGyver.

- Oh my God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy.

-How about this?

- I don't get why you're putting so

much effort in this thing anyway?

I thought we were like, just gonna go sit

around and make fun of everybody.

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