Zaman: The Man from the Reeds

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- I'm so sorry. I got stuck in road work.

- No. Don't even worry about it.

It's cool.

Too early in the morning for me, man.

I ain't no farmer, I'll tell you that much.

- What happened to the Volkswagen?

- It died. Sorry.

- Did you kill it?

- Yes. Yes, I did.

Bad driving.

Who's this Nick guy, as well, by the way?

- Who is he?

- He worked at The Long Room, at the bar.

He's traveling up with Laura.

Oh, my God!

- What?

- You're doing it again.

Yeah, matchmaking.

Matchmaking!

- More like hell-making.

- I'm not matchmaking!

Do you know what happened the last time

you set someone up?

- Helen.

- Yes?

The last time, the man was gay.

Yes, but...

We've got some beers,

so we'll have a laugh.

Hey! Who is this here?

That's the third time he's done that.

You'd think he'd get bored.

Yeah. I'm afraid Chris doesn't do bored.

The best that you can hope for

is a low bridge.

There's not much chance of that

around here. This place is sparse, mate.

Apart from that dude I saw back

at the petrol station.

Like his parents were first...

Sorry.

Jesus, Laura, a tape?

I mean, what century are you living in?

Thank Christ for that.

- What?

- They're still open.

We're not that late, are we?

- Well, we're pushing it.

- I'm sorry, guys.

Bladder the size of a bloody walnut.

- I don't know yet. Depends on...

- Say hi to these guys.

- Hey, how was your journey?

- Yeah, it was good.

- Apart from the odd yellow shower, and...

- Yeah!

- Laura's dodgy taste in music.

- Watch it, or you're walking home.

Listen, you guys chill out here a little bit

while me and retard-boy go

- and find out about the boat.

- Retard-boy's gonna stay here

and just fondle your fiancee

for a bit, if that's all right.

Yeah, how about you fondle

my right fist while we're at it, yeah?

Baby, he's actually quite good at this,

I've got to say. Gotta give it to him.

- Helen! Helen, please don't encourage him.

- Sorry.

Come on then, lad.

All right, later, me, you, Mel on the boat.

Bang, get right at it.

Save yourself 10 seconds each.

- Both of you.

- See you in a bit, girlies.

See you in a bit.

Get me a nice big boat, baby.

- The biggest one.

- There you go.

A yacht.

Looks like she's not the only one

with a secret admirer.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

Yeah.

What do you mean, it's out of service?

I'm sorry, sir, but the boat that you booked,

someone had it away last night.

I got it back this morning.

It was in a right nasty mess.

You are joking?

No joking about this, sir.

No, it's all right. It's all right.

We'll just get the girls to clean it,

won't we?

Not that kind of mess, sir. Trust me, sir.

Worse than animals.

Gypos, you see.

Come down here for the harvest.

Kids all run amok.

Spoke to the council about it.

Well, what can you do?

Look, I don't know about

the boat hire business, Mr. Croker,

but in the pub trade,

when the bitter's gone off,

we generally offer the customer a lager.

What's he on about, boy?

I think he's suggesting

you give us another boat, man.

It's the weekend, lads.

They're all out.

F***.

I love this.

Never had you down as a country girl.

No. No, I'm not.

My family's actually from around.

Is it?

I mean, I don't know them all.

I was taken into care when I was three.

- For real?

- Yeah.

You don't have to get weird about it.

It's fine.

No, I'm not weird.

This is my normal face.

There's no weirdness.

- Yeah.

- Nice. Nice face.

This is bollocks.

What are we gonna do, drive back?

- We're not driving back.

- Well, what do we tell the girls?

No boat.

- Though there is the Corsair Star, of course.

- The Corsair Star?

It's down in me other boatyard.

But I got to wait here where the police

are coming, you know?

That's fine.

Just give me the directions and the keys,

- and I'll go and pick her up myself.

- Yeah, we can grab it.

What about a safety tour?

Are you sure this is right, Joe?

Yeah, it should be.

Just round the other side of that shed.

Hey, guys. Here it is, the Corsair Star.

She's a '70s classic.

And by the looks of it,

- she's already got a crew.

- Oh, my God.

- You all right?

- Hey!

Funny-looking reception committee.

What are they doing?

Look at these, here.

- What's going on?

- I don't know.

- Is there a double-booking?

- Yeah, I think so.

Listen, guys.

We've hired this thing for the weekend,

so if you don't mind, you know,

shoving off.

Come on, you heard the man.

Get off the boat.

- Hey. Hey.

- Sling it. Move.

Joe. Joe, just don't get all...

No, it's all right. It's cool. It's cool.

Listen.

How about I bung you guys a few beers

and you get on your way,

and everyone's happy?

Right?

You should be careful on those roads,

you know.

You can get yourself killed.

What, is she a friend of yours?

- What was that about?

- Shits.

Yeah.

- How's the boat?

- Cabin door's locked.

Nobody's shat in the cockpit,

so we're doing fine.

All we've got to do now is learn

how to drive the bastard.

Well, there's nothing here.

It's just amazing. Look at that.

This woman...

This woman is leaving the singles' market.

Men, you are doomed and you've lost.

Check the rock!

He fancies her, you can tell.

- She fancies him.

- Go on, ask. You take it. Go on, ask.

You've taken lovers, but how many lovers?

- Are you taking any lovers right now?

- I wish. I wish I had a lover right now.

- Do you?

- No, I... Not like that.

You guys...

You guys are actually ridiculous.

Man overboard!

Chris! What are you... What are you doing?

- Chris, what are you doing?

- I'm washing me bollocks.

- Come on, get in here. It's beautiful.

- Don't be a twat.

We've got to be at the pub by 6:.00,

or we'll lose our overnight mooring.

I'm melting. I'm melting!

- Jump on in. It's beautiful. Come on.

- No way.

How about you, Nick?

Gonna sit there and read your brochure?

What's the matter?

You scared you might pull your pants off

and she'll see your little pecker?

No, mate.

I just don't fancy catching Weil's disease.

What the f***'s Weil's disease?

According to this, it's a

"potentially lethal bacteria that originates

in rat's piss. "

It's very common in these waters,

apparently, so don't swallow.

He's just winding you up, baby.

You ignore him.

I'm kidding. I'm joking.

I'm messing with you, mate.

Yeah, nice one.

Make sure it's your f***ing last.

So where's this pub, then?

About two miles that way.

- It's all reeds.

- Exactly.

It seems this map's a bit out of date.

Yeah, about 25 years out of date.

That's a bummer.

Maybe we should go back, get a new one,

start again.

No, that'll take forever.

See, why can't we just go down

one of these?

How are you gonna get this through there?

They seem to be doing all right.

- What?

- Look. Over there.

The white cruiser, just the same as our one.

It's already going through the reeds.

I don't know that's such a good idea.

Now, listen. Listen, I'm not standing here

drinking this red all night.

It's f***ing minging.

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