Zee and Co. Page #5

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and the telephone gets cut off.

Just wait till she finds out you're a miser.

I have a feeling she likes to

spend a bit herself.

Don't avoid the issue. We are going through

these bills before everything is cut off.

(Sighs)

Bills always make us quarrel.

That's why I came straight home tonight.

You mean to have a quarrel?

I told you this morning

that we were gonna go through these bills.

And what the hell is all this for?

- I'm going riding.

- Riding?

Yeah, you know, horsey-horsey.

(Clicks tongue)

Since when do people go riding

in the middle of the bloody night?

Some friends of mine called me and asked me

if I'd like to go for a midnight ride.

I assume they meant horseback riding.

Let's see if I have everything.

(Clicks tongue) Right.

You had better resign yourself to the fact

you're not going anywhere.

You just let go of me!

- Goddamn it, they're waiting for me!

- Let 'em wait!

Who are they, eh, anyway? Who are they?

Lords? Loafers? Lay abouts? Eh?

That's it, yeah, come on, baby, come on!

- You're getting that jealous fever,

aren't you? - Oh, no, I'm not.

- (Laughs)

- Don't kid yourself!

- That's it.

- You hold still like that.

Now you have to tie me, right?

Yes, I'll be doggy.

I'll be doggy on the bed!

- Go ahead, do it!

- Now try this!

(Screams)

You just leave me alone!

- There's your bloody hat! - What the hell

do you think you're doing to me?

You can't just do this to me.

- Now sit down!

- What the hell do you think you're up to?

You can't do this to me.

I'm a prisoner! I'm gonna scream!

I'll shout, I'll expose you.

I'll get all your bloody clean-living

neighbors in here to save me!

I want out.

(Screeches) I want out!

Shut up!

You woman-hater!

You Jew-hater!

You Fascist swine!

- You imperialist, lousy...

- Have you finished?

(Whistles)

Bobby?

Pussycat?

You're gorgeous.

Oh, no.

- Gorgeous.

- Uh-uh.

You'll always have women falling all over

you because you know how to treat them.

You use them, abuse them, make them suffer.

Uh-uh-uh.

I don't mind.

She's nothing.

If anything, she just...

whets my appetite.

I'll fight her a duel any day...

...and win.

No!

No! Don't untie me.

I want it that way.

There must be something you can do.

I've tried everything!

I think he thinks he's really

in love with this cow.

Then do it to him, dear!

Have an affair with a gorgeous man.

If your lot would stop increasing

and multiplying,

maybe there'd be somebody

left to do it with!

There's no need to get personal, love,

or I shan't do your hair nicely.

Now then, what's she like?

A slob.

Worse than that, a soulful slob.

There's nothing I hate more than

soulful people.

She's always a little out of breath

and sees beauty in everything.

Especially in sh*t.

(Chuckles)

- Now, what do you want me to find out?

- Everything.

Anything you can find out.

Their movements, whenever they meet,

wherever they meet. Anything!

She's got this poncy little fag

working for her.

And I want you to chat him up.

Oh, what a b*tch!

Yes, I am a b*tch, open and straight!

There are plenty of men around.

She can have anyone she likes, but not him.

Jesus, they even write each other letters!

She refuses to have lunch with him

because she likes to brood.

Well, it's not exactly as though

you and Robert have both been angels.

Why don't we put a curse on her?

They're having a crash right now.

And he escapes by the skin of his teeth.

And she's disfigured.

I don't want to give her

the satisfaction of being dead.

Yeah, and her kids.

We'll put a little affliction on them.

Zee, I refuse to sit with you!

I refuse to have innocent

children victimized.

Ah, crap!

You will do it, won't you?

I mean...

You go have a look at him.

Browse.

Well, I suppose I could do

with a few new clothes.

I haven't told you what happened to me,

have I?

I went to the club the other night,

having a quiet gin and tonic on my own,

when this divine creature

comes prancing over...

Oh, look, I've got problems of my own.

Yes.

Don't we all?

Let's go find them.

Come on.

Let's find them.

(Car horn)

ZEE:
You're at it, aren't you?

I'll bet you're at it.

All in bloody candlelight!

(Dog barks)

(Bin crashes down stairs)

(Giggles)

Someone just kicked over your dustbin.

Probably some of the local lads

having a bit of fun.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

No. Now, come on.

What's wrong?

You know that wasn't local lads.

It's your wife.

She's possessed!

- Oh, don't talk nonsense.

- She'd do anything.

The other day, she followed me in a car.

I tried to hypnotize myself.

I tried to pretend she wasn't there.

You should have gone straight up to her

and said, "Why don't you piss off?"

I'm frightened.

Now, look, what do you mean, frightened?

There is nothing to be frightened of.

She's never gonna let us have any peace.

Oh, Stella, come on.

Now, don't cry, darling. Please, don't cry.

Look, I tell you what...

Why don't I take you away

for a couple of days?

When?

Tomorrow.

Eh? Tomorrow.

Gavin can look after the shop.

We'll go to...

...Scotland, eh?

ANNOUNCER:

The train standing at Platform Four...

(Whistle)

... is the 12:
05 train for Glasgow

and Northwest Scotland.

Calling at Crewe, Carlisle...

- (Laughs)

- I thought you weren't coming.

What do you mean, you thought

I wasn't coming? Of course I was coming.

I'll get the case, I'll bring the case.

- Go on, quickly, before it starts.

- Where have you been?

(Phone rings)

(Phone continues ringing)

Yes?

Yes, it is.

Oh, Christ.

Is she all right?

Well, there's not much I can do

about it, is there?

Yeah, well, you can tell her

that I'm sorry, too.

And you can also tell her

that the repair costs are coming out

of her expense money.

Right?

Goodbye.

Robert? Who was it?

It was a friend of Zee's.

That poncy hairdresser.

She's had some kind of accident

with my bloody car!

Why my car?

Is she all right?

Yeah, she's all right. She's just shaken up.

She probably ran it into the wall on purpose

to give herself an excuse to phone.

Did you tell her where we were going?

Of course not.

- Then how did she know?

- How should I know?

Perhaps she followed us on her broomstick.

(Laughs) Oh, my God!

Oh, she's incredible!

She's a pain in the arse.

(Laughs)

I'm hungry.

- Let's go and get something to eat.

- What, again?

Oh, I know, I'm gonna grow fat!

(Laughs) I'll love you anyway.

I'm gonna get so fat,

I'm gonna lose all my chic customers.

- Let's feel some of this fat.

- Enough of the passion, Tarzan!

I'm gonna get something to eat.

All right, you get something to eat,

I'll build up the fire.

When we get back, we'll look for a place

of our own, brand new,

right in the middle of London.

(Rock music on stereo)

If you wanna be with her so damn much,

why bother coming home at all?

Just pack up your sh*t

and get the hell out of here!

As if I give a damn if you ever come back.

I don't have to sit around here all weekend

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