Zerophilia Page #10

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MAX:

You're about the last person I

expected to see.

LUCA:

I can show you a few moves if you

want?

MAX:

Yeah? What the hell.

LATER:

Luca demonstrates hockey technique, expertly guiding a hockey

puck through an obstacle course of broken equipment, timber,

and sawdust piles.

All the while, she dodges Max's attempts to steal the puck.

Max finally gets it, which riles Luca. She hip checks Max.

They swerve to avoid a pipe, crash-landing on top of each

other on a sawdust pile.

They bust out LAUGHING.

70.

LUCA:

Not bad.

MAX:

You're better than Luke.

LUCA:

I taught him everything he knows.

Luca pulls away from Max, suddenly self-conscious that Max's

leg is on top of hers.

Awkward from the broken connection, they gaze up at the blue

sky through a hole in the roof.

MAX:

I thought you left town?

LUCA:

Had to come back.

MAX:

Good.

LUCA:

Where'd you learn to speak Italian?

MAX:

Just tourist stuff. "I'll have the

spaghetti bolognese." "How much

for a room?"

LUCA:

Have you been?

MAX:

Little Italy. In New York.

Someday, though. Want to go with

me?

Max leans over and KISSES Luca. She responds, tentatively at

first,

then as she grows more confident,...

her face REDDENS, she GASPS.

Luca pulls back, self-conscious, confused. She brushes

sawdust off her dress, stands.

LUCA:

Look, this was a mistake.

71.

MAX:

Yeah. Of course. I know.

Looking up, Luca sees Keenan, staring at them from across the

floor, incredulous.

Keenan exits out through the giant doors.

LUCA:

Oh, Jesus...

MAX:

Are you and he...?

LUCA:

Huh?

MAX:

It's really none of my business.

LUCA:

No! I'm sorry. I shouldn't've

come here.

Max stands, brushes off the sawdust.

MAX:

Please don't say you're "just

visiting." That you "need to

leave." I'm the one who needs to

leave.

Max skates off across the giant shop floor.

EXT. LUMBER MILL - DUSK

The Semi Truck is parked alone in the middle of the asphalt.

From inside the cab, the blue dress flips over the rolled

down window.

ACROSS THE PARKING LOT

Keenan leans against a tractor, rolls his eyes, and twists

open another beer, which he gulps.

AT THE TRUCK:

Luke hops down from the truck cab wearing Langford U. sweats

and a T-shirt.

Keenan sits on the running board.

72.

KEENAN:

I mean, what the F*** is goin' on?!

You do wanna' be a girl? You're

into guys now?

LUKE:

No! I don't know exactly. I don't

know.

Keenan downs his beer, pensive. He crushes the can and hurls

it, SMACKING a garbage can.

KEENAN:

What about Michelle?

LUKE:

I had to be sure. I am now. Come

on, it's sort of a Catch-22. I

make out with a girl, I start

turning into one. You gotta'

admit, it's a little weird, isn't

it?

Suddenly uncomfortable sitting so close to Luke, Keenan

stands.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Let's get outta' here. You want a

ride somewhere? Janine's?

KEENAN:

Why don't you go see her? Think

you're more her type.

Keenan picks up his bike.

KEENAN (CONT'D)

I'll see ya' round, okay?

LUKE:

"See me around?"

Keenan shrugs.

KEENAN:

Look, I'm gonna' find my own place,

okay? This is gettin' too f***in'

weird for me.

LUKE:

I'm goin' to Dr. Catchadourian's

tonight. To make this stop.

73.

KEENAN:

I don't care. I've had it with all

this crap. I mean, you gonna'

start hittin' on me next?

LUKE:

Yeah, that's right Keenan, you and

me:
let's do it.

Keenan rides off, leaving Luke shell-shocked.

INT. SYDNEY'S BED & BREAKFAST - NIGHT

Sydney wears a stunning black silk evening gown.

Small Greek statues now adorn the room.

LUKE:

I guess I really did need to face

it head on in order to see.

SYDNEY:

It was courageous.

LUKE:

Girls, are just, I don't know.

It's a different energy. They're

soft and warm, they can make a guy

feel complete.

SYDNEY:

And multiple o's. Actually, male

Z's have multiple o's too. Been so

long I nearly forgot.

LUKE:

Cool.

SYDNEY:

Okay, to be honest, I'm relieved

you sorted this out. My conscience

would have bothered me for decades

if we'd just gone ahead without you

being certain.

Sydney pops a cork and pours herself and Luke glasses of

champagne. A toast.

SYDNEY (CONT'D)

To womanhood!

74.

LUKE:

To manhood!

They drink.

LUKE (CONT'D)

So, how does this work?

SYDNEY:

We just do it. And, ...it just

happens.

AT THE BED:

Luke and Sydney begin undressing.

SYDNEY:

Do you like this dress?

LUKE:

Sure. Looks great on you. Man,

dresses! Even without everything

else, dresses are reason enough

right there to stay a guy.

Sydney takes this in, considers,...

SYDNEY:

"Stay a guy?" Let me get this

straight. You didn't decide to be

a woman?

LUKE:

No. Of course not. What?

Sydney, realizing her mistake, regroups: Plan B.

SYDNEY:

Just testing you. Hold on a

moment. There's something I

forgot...

She retrieves some ROPE.

LUKE:

What's that for?

SYDNEY:

You've never done it with another

Z. Trust me, you need to be tied

down.

75.

LUKE:

Does it hurt?

SYDNEY:

On the contrary.

BEDSIDE TABLE - LATER

The alabaster eyes of a small Greek Statue stares blankly in

the direction of the CARNAL SOUNDS coming from the bed, OFF

SCREEN...

SYDNEY (O.S.)

Just let yourself go completely.

LUKE (O.S.)

Wow, this is intense.

SYDNEY (O.S.)

When two Z's do it, the lateral

hypothalamus gets completely

overwhelmed,...

LUKE (O.S.)

OH, MAN!!

SYDNEY (O.S.)

Cellular fission kicks in, and,

well,... you can go Zytusional!

LUKE (O.S.)

Unbelievable!

The chiseled eyes of a two-foot Statue of David, blankly

stare.

LUKE (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Oh no. What's happening?

Luke's voice begins RISING IN PITCH...

HALF-LUCA (O.S.)

What have you done?!

(Luca)

NOOOOO!!!!

The SOUNDS ESCALATE, growing increasingly more INTENSE,

culminating in the extraordinary, never before heard,

SOUND OF ZYTUSIONAL CLIMAX...

76.

LUCA/LUKE AND SYDNEY (O.S.)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

MIRROR - LATER

A great-looking, bare-chested guy with Sydney's hair appears

in reflection:
MALE SYDNEY.

Behind him, still strapped to the bed, is now Luca, a GAG in

her mouth.

Male Sydney carries a phone while fussing with his hair in

the mirror.

MALE SYDNEY:

(into phone)

I hear you're the best. Yes, it's

an emergency! Please. Or I'll

have to cut it myself.

(to Luca)

Now, you look me in the eye, and

tell me that wasn't the best sex

you ever had.

Luca MOANS, STRUGGLES VIOLENTLY!

MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)

(into phone)

Half an hour! YES! THANK you!

Male Sydney clicks the phone off.

MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)

You can have all my clothes. Oh,

and I just bought these incredible

Anna Felucci pumps.

(reconsiders)

Maybe I should keep those.

Male Sydney returns to dressing, a ribbed tank beneath a gray

Italian tux.

MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)

Okay, I wasn't completely honest

with you, but I never lied either.

It stopped. That is what you

wanted. You're Adulmorphic now.

The only way to switch is to do it

with another Z.

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