Zerophilia Page #3

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INT. KEENAN AND LUKE'S GARAGE

The decrepit old garage looks as if it may collapse any

second. Barbells on the floor. Luke dodges and weaves,

slugging a makeshift punching bag.

Keenan appears, wiping sleep from his eyes.

KEENAN:

We takin' up boxing?

LUKE:

I don't know. I am.

KEENAN:

What's goin' on? You competin' for

Mr. Universe this week?

LUKE:

Everyone should just mind their own

f***ing business!

Keenan recoils at the attitude.

KEENAN:

Didn't go so great, huh?

Luke punches the bag, harder and faster, a near SEIZURE: ROAD

RAGE.

He collapses in a heap.

KEENAN (CONT'D)

Dude.

LUKE:

It was goin' great. She's amazing.

Funny. And really smart. And the

way she eats ravioli, like 'aah.'

KEENAN:

Cool.

16.

LUKE:

Then I started feelin' all weird

again, and,... oh, man, you'll

think I'm nuts... Keen, I had

breasts. I felt 'em.

KEENAN:

Whoa, first date. Definitely the

'new Luke!'

LUKE:

No! On me.

KEENAN:

You're startin' to creep me out.

Listen, I think I know what's goin'

on, okay? "Acute Adolescent

Anxiety." It's from the stress of

college, girls, grades. It's

really common.

LUKE:

I'm not an adolescent. Where'd you

get this crap?!

KEENAN:

The Net. I found all the symptoms

right off:
panic attacks,

"Localized Alopecia" -that's hair

loss. This doctor wrote back, "Any

chance your friend, Luke, just lost

his virginity?"

LUKE:

You told, -you gave him my name?!

KEENAN:

He's a doctor, back East. He's

sending this information pack.

Look, I started thinkin' you're

goin' bipolar on me or somethin'.

Come on, man, BREASTS?!

Luke considers.

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING

Luke hops down from the truck cab, fixes his shirt and hair,

trying to look nonchalant as he rings the doorbell.

Hearing something behind him, he turns as Max PUNCHES him in

the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

17.

MAX:

You son-of-a-b*tch, stay the hell

away from my sister!

Luke GASPS for air.

MAX (CONT'D)

You don't say a word?! You just

leave her sittin' there?!

LUKE:

I came to apologize.

Max shoves him across the yard.

MAX:

Get out a' here! She's not home,

anyway.

LUKE:

Will you tell her I came by?

MAX:

No. She's honest with you, so you

bolt? And then what, you wake up

feelin' sorry for her?

LUKE:

No! Is that what she thinks? I

left 'cause a' what she said?

That's crazy! She's like the most

incredible girl I ever met!

Max sneers, skeptical.

LUKE (CONT'D)

I had this 'pasta quattro funghi' four

mushroom. It took me a while

to even figure it out, but I think

someone put shrooms in it, or

somehow they got in there by

mistake. I was hallucinating and

everything.

MAX:

Amazes even me, a guy's capacity to

be a world-class a**hole.

Fortunately, I'm familiar with the

cause.

18.

LUKE:

Will you please just tell her I

came by? Forget it. I'll catch up

with her on my own.

MAX:

No. You won't.

LUKE:

Look, I'm gonna' see her again, -if

she'll see me. I don't care what

the f*** you say about it.

MAX:

Oh, really?

They face off.

LUKE:

Yeah, really.

MAX:

You get near her, I'll feed your

nuts to the neighbor's dog!

LUKE:

What kind a' dog is it?

MAX:

Huh?

LUKE:

I mean, is it a pitbull, or what?

Caught off guard, a smile escapes Max.

LUKE (CONT'D)

I'm crazy about her.

MAX:

Shrooms, huh?

Luke nods 'yes.'

MAX (CONT'D)

I'll tell her you came by.

Luke nods, appreciative.

19.

EXT. MUDDY WATERS' MINI-MART - NIGHT

A tanker truck QUAKES past. Surrounded by fir trees, the

eerily empty mini-mart glows with fluorescent junk food.

INSIDE MINI-MART

Luke stands behind the cash register, leafing through "The

Outdoors Man."

The CHIME BINGS and SYDNEY enters, early thirties, elegant in

thrift-store chic. She's cool and in control, ...at least on

the outside.

She surveys random candy bars, stealing glances at Luke.

SYDNEY:

Had a sudden intense craving for a

cherry popsicle.

LUKE:

You can check in that freezer.

SYDNEY:

What a relief. I'm Sydney. You?

LUKE:

Luke.

SYDNEY:

Workin' late, huh? Luke?

LUKE:

Yeah, four AM. It sucks.

SYDNEY:

Sometimes you guys are just

unfathomably stupid.

LUKE:

Excuse me?

SYDNEY:

Why in the world do guys say "it

sucks" as if it were a bad thing?

I mean, every guy's dying to get a

blow job, right? So, you think

they'd treat those words with

profound respect, like holy

scripture. "What an unbelievable

sunset, honey:
doesn't it just

SUCK?,"... "You won an Olympic Gold

Medal?!, that BLOWS!"

20.

LUKE:

I guess you're right.

SYDNEY:

It must be great at your age. That

river of testosterone coursing

through your veins, the damn about

to burst! How about we just lock

this place up and go for an Olympic

Gold?

LUKE:

No thanks. Jeez, lady.

Disappointed, she checks her reflection in the freezer door.

SYDNEY:

I ought to dye my hair. Don't you

think?

LUKE:

Uh, I don't know. Looks fine.

SYDNEY:

Your hair is such an incredible

color.

LUKE:

It's brown.

SYDNEY:

I love it. Do you think I could

cut just a little piece? Match the

color? It really "sucks."

LUKE:

Nah, c'mon. You're messin' with

me.

SYDNEY:

I'm not. I love it. You really

should get rid a' that thing,

anyway. I have clippers in my bag.

LUKE:

What thing?

SYDNEY:

Cowlick. Right here. See? I can

just snip it off.

She SNIPS his hair. Luke pulls away.

21.

LUKE:

Hey.

SYDNEY:

What's the matter? Don't you like

being touched? Don't you like

being a guy?

LUKE:

No. I mean,... What? Sorry, but

you're just bizarre.

She CHUCKLES, lays money on the counter.

SYDNEY:

May be. But I learned long ago,

you can't change your true nature,

even if it can change you.

As she leaves, she takes a provocative bite of the popsicle.

EXT. POLLY WOG'S POOL HALL - DUSK

Acres of yellowing corn surround a dilapidated farmhouse

converted into a pool hall. The windows glow from warm

lights inside.

Parked along the gravel driveway are pickup trucks, cars, and

Luke's Semi.

INSIDE POOL HALL

Smoke, ROWDY MUSIC and the CLACK of cue balls.

Keenan and Luke snake their way through the pool tables.

LUKE:

Holy sh*t. It's that lady from the

store! Grey and black at the bar.

Keenan looks over at Sydney, finishing off a bourbon.

RENTAL COUNTER:

Janine and Michelle check out a rack of billiard balls from

the worldly British owner, POLLY.

She runs the place like a wild west saloon, with such ease

and confidence, it suggests there may be a shotgun under the

bar.

22.

POLLY:

That boy, Keenan, still giving you

trouble?

JANINE:

Actually, I tried exactly what you

said.

POLLY:

And...?

JANINE:

Unbelievable! Thanks.

POLLY:

Works every time.

(to Michelle)

Nice to meet you, darling. I hope

you'll find not too many rules

here, and the drinks not too dear.

MICHELLE:

Yeah, thanks. It's amazing.

Polly moves off.

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