Zerophilia Page #4

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JANINE:

Isn't she great? Guys drive across

the state just to buy a beer from

her. Total loner, though. No

one's ever seen her with anyone.

MICHELLE:

What did she tell you to try?

Janine whispers in her ear.

Michelle's jaw drops open, scandalized.

They LAUGH.

AT THE BAR:

Luke hands his keys to JEREMY, the handsome bartender, in

exchange for a full pitcher of beer.

LUKE:

Thanks, man.

KEENAN:

Oh, God. She's eyeing you. I

think she's comin' over.

23.

Sydney saunters up.

SYDNEY:

Can I buy you a drink?

LUKE:

Uh, no thanks. We're already here

with dates and stuff.

SYDNEY:

You are? Who? Where is she?

KEENAN:

They're around somehwere.

SYDNEY:

Luke, if you like this girl, we

better talk.

LUKE:

What?

Sydney glances around, talks quietly.

SYDNEY:

Anything happen since we last

spoke? Hot flashes? Pressure in

your chest?

Luke pales.

LUKE:

No.

KEENAN:

Who are you?

SYDNEY:

Dr. Sydney Catchadourian. Keenan,

right?

LUKE:

You know him?!

SYDNEY:

We exchanged E-mail. I came right

away.

Luke gives Keenan the evil eye.

KEENAN:

From Philadelphia? Why?

24.

SYDNEY:

Your friend here has an extra

chromosome.

The little remaining color in Luke's face now drains away.

He shakes his head 'no.'

LUKE:

Someone put mushrooms in my

mushroom sauce.

SYDNEY:

I tested your hair.

LUKE:

You're like some whack job. Get

the hell away from me.

Luke moves off, sloshing beer. Sydney sighs.

SYDNEY:

Denial, denial, denial. Always the

first step. Keep him away from

that girl.

KEENAN:

What're you talkin' about?

SYDNEY:

Chromosomes. Most people have

forty-six:
Two X if you're a girl,

an X and Y if you're a guy. He's

got forty seven:
An X, a Y, and a

Z.

POOL TABLE:

Janine and Michelle select pool cues.

JANINE:

We've only been together six

months. And he's such a guy's guy,

everyone's buddy, but, alcoholic

parents, six months in "Juvey."

MICHELLE:

Wild past, huh?

25.

JANINE:

I think the only reason he's even

alive right now, is okay, partly

'cause he's so damn smart, but

mostly 'cause there's this one

person, he knows, absolutely, no

matter what, won't bale on him.

MICHELLE:

You.

JANINE:

No. He doesn't trust me at all.

Luke. He's a rock.

MICHELLE:

Yeah?

JANINE:

So, yes, you can trust him. I'm

hoping Keenan's the same way.

'Cause believe me, I'm not used to

rocks, I'm used to pebbles.

Michelle LAUGHS.

MICHELLE:

Grains of sand.

Luke rejoins them with the pitcher of beer, glancing back

toward the bar. Keenan comes too, with a look of concern.

JANINE:

Everything okay?

KEENAN:

Sure. I need a drink.

Keenan steals glances at Luke, trying to sort it all out.

KEENAN (CONT'D)

(aside to Luke)

That lady's nuts.

Luke nods.

AT THE BAR:

Sydney sits at a bar stool, keeping an eye on Luke and

Michelle. Jeremy lays out a cocktail napkin, speaks with a

slight Texas drawl.

26.

JEREMY:

Another round?

SYDNEY:

Please. You see that couple over

there? I don't get it. What's he

see in her?

JEREMY:

The brunette? You kiddin'? I'd

give my left one to be with her.

SYDNEY:

Yeah? So could he.

POOL TABLE - LATER

Now alone with Michelle, Luke lines up his cue stick, then

catches Michelle's admiring eyes.

She smiles, glances over at Keenan and Janine, making out by

the jukebox.

MICHELLE:

Your friends sorta' like each

other, huh?

LUKE:

Super-glue. Thirty seconds

together, you can't pull 'em apart.

MICHELLE:

How'd they meet?

LUKE:

Keenan sold her a bike. I don't

think they've been apart more than

six hours since.

Luke peers over the corner pocket, and watches Michelle shoot

and sink the ball.

LUKE (CONT'D)

I never thought in a million years

you'd go out with me, let alone

twice.

MICHELLE:

You're not s'posed to say that.

That's a total pathetic, loser

thing to say. But I'm gonna' take

it as a huge compliment.

27.

MICHELLE (CONT'D)

Okay, two word answers only. Why'd

you ask me out in the first place?

LUKE:

Beautiful. Unpretentious. Why'd

you say 'yes?'

MICHELLE:

Gentle.

Luke sneers, not his favorite compliment.

MICHELLE (CONT'D)

...Hot. Deep. Three words.

He smiles.

LUKE:

Okay, two words. What're you most

passionate about?

MICHELLE:

Friendship. Trust. You?

LUKE:

Hockey. ...Hockey.

MICHELLE:

So much for "deep."

They LAUGH.

LUKE:

You.

The electricity between them charges the air.

Luke maneuvers himself closer.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Okay, I'm gonna' take a wild shot.

Ricochet off the back, over here,

then straight into that side

pocket. What are my chances?

MICHELLE:

Point zero zero zero one.

Luke takes his shot,...

and KISSES HER.

The ball ricochets off the back, across the table, and sinks

in the pocket at the side.

28.

AT THE BAR:

Jeremy looks on, aroused. Sydney squints, dismayed, barely

able to watch.

JEREMY:

Damn. Will you look at that tonsil

hockey?

SYDNEY:

I'd prefer not. This could get

bad.

JEREMY:

You've been staring at him all

night. You got a thing for him, or

what?

SYDNEY:

Actually, I'm hoping he's got one

for me.

POOL TABLE:

Keenan and Janine rejoin Luke and Michelle, all four elated.

KEENAN:

Looks like you two are gettin' on

okay. Should we rack up another

game?

MICHELLE:

Definitely! I'd like to get good

at this pool thing.

Luke racks up the balls as Michelle lines up the cue.

MICHELLE (CONT'D)

Okay, I'm gonna' break this wide

open!

LUKE:

Go for it!

Before Keenan has lifted the wooden triangle rack,

Michelle HAMMERS the cue ball.

It CRACKS off the rack,

ROCKETS off the table,...

and CANNONBALLS Luke in the CROTCH.

29.

Keenan, Michelle, and Janine ALL GASP.

They CRINGE, poised, waiting for Luke to react.

MICHELLE:

God. Sorry.

Luke picks the cue ball up off the floor and sets it on the

table.

He sees them watching him.

LUKE:

What?

KEENAN:

Man, I'd be on the floor cryin'

like a baby.

LUKE:

No, I'm all right.

Surprised, they return to the game.

Michelle lines up the cue ball again, as Luke considers,...

with a slow-dawning realization that something, somehow, just

isn't right.

He casually touches his hand to his pants.

He pales slightly.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Would you excuse me a sec'?

He looks to Keenan for help.

AT THE BAR:

Sydney watches as Keenan and Luke cross the hall toward the

back.

She flags Jeremy.

SYDNEY:

Jeremy! Bourbon. Fast!

(a glance at Luke)

Better give me the whole bottle.

30.

OUTSIDE MEN'S ROOM

Luke tries the men's room door, locked.

KEENAN:

In here.

Keenan opens another door that leads them into a store room.

Luke follows, with a look of concern.

INSIDE STORE ROOM

KEENAN (CONT'D)

I mean, it was like a precision-

guided missile.

Luke unzips and gently digs in his trousers.

He looks down, SHUDDERS,...

LUKE:

Uh- ahLuke's

face CONTORTS, terrified.

KEENAN:

I'll get some ice.

Luke shakes his head "no," points toward his crotch, GASPS,

barely able to make a sound...

LUKE:

It's-! Look!

Keenan gives him a look, repelled, perplexed...

KEENAN:

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