Zerophilia Page #5

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What?

then takes a look,...

His EYES GET HUGE.

KEENAN (CONT'D)

DUDE!!!

Sydney BURSTS in with the bottle of bourbon.

SYDNEY:

I was afraid a' this!

(to Keenan)

Make sure no one gets in!

31.

SYDNEY (CONT'D)

(to Luke)

Now, will you listen to me?!

Luke, slack-jawed, keeps checking himself. Each time the

horror of it grows more intense.

LUKE:

Oh, GOD!

Sydney uncaps the bourbon and drops capsules in from a

prescription bottle.

SYDNEY:

It's gonna' come back. Drink this!

LUKE:

What're you givin' me?!

SYDNEY:

Valium. Flexeril. And a shitload

of Darvon. You gotta' calm down.

LUKE:

"Caaalm Down?!!!!!!"

SYDNEY:

Here we go...

He and Sydney have to yell to hear over Luke's escalating

MANTRA...

LUKE:

"CAAALM DOWN?!!!"

KEENAN:

What's wrong with him?!

SYDNEY:

He's a Zerophiliac.

KEENAN:

A what?! I'm gettin' a doctor!

This isn't right!

Sydney GRABS Keenan, SHOVES him against the wall.

SYDNEY:

I am a doctor! You breathe one

word, anyone else sees him like

this, and he's f***ed! Pictures

all over the net, tabloids,

television!

32.

LUKE:

TELE-VISION?!!

SYDNEY:

No! We're gonna' get it back!

(to Keenan)

You let me help him, he gets a

normal body, lives a normal life.

Now, you his friend or not?!

Keenan nods that 'yes, he is.' Sydney releases him.

SYDNEY (CONT'D)

Hang onto him. So he doesn't get

hurt when he passes out.

KEENAN:

Now just wait a sec'? Is it

CONTAGIOUS?!

SYDNEY:

There are no recorded incidents of

transmission from physical contact.

KEENAN:

"Recorded incidents?!!"

LUKE:

Oh, PLEASE God! What did I DO

WRONG?!

SYDNEY:

Nothing. You're a Z.

KEENAN:

"RECORDED INCIDENTS?!" Oh my God,

I used his deodorant!

SYDNEY:

Oh, will you calm down?

KEENAN:

"C A L M D O W N ?!!!"

LUKE:

"C A L M D O W N ?!!!"

Luke's eyes glaze over...

He weaves, losing his balance...

SYDNEY:

Finally.

33.

Sydney helps Luke FLOP DOWN on the floor. He passes out.

SYDNEY (CONT'D)

He'll be alright. He didn't go all

the way. When you fall asleep or

pass out, a Z almost always reverts

back. It's called a Nocturnal

Remission.

Keenan approaches Luke, then steps back.

SYDNEY (CONT'D)

Oh, relax, it's not contagious.

Keenan grabs the bourbon-Darvon concoction from Sydney, wipes

the rim of the bottle just in case, then takes a big swig.

INT. SYDNEY'S BED & BREAKFAST - LATE NIGHT

On a corner table sits high-tech laboratory equipment.

Keenan and Luke gulp beers, still in shock. Luke keeps one

hand down his pants for reassurance.

SYDNEY:

In the world? A hundred. A

thousand. There's no way to know.

It doesn't show up in any normal

DNA test. It's triggered when you

first have sex.

LUKE:

The woman in the RV!

KEENAN:

(dark)

From Utah.

SYDNEY:

Now, you're Morphescent whenever

you're aroused.

KEENAN:

You tellin' me this is gonna'

happen any time he gets the hots

for a girl?

Keenan looks over at Luke...

KEENAN (CONT'D)

Man, this could be a problem.

34.

LUKE:

Is there a cure?

SYDNEY:

It's not a disease! But there are

steps you can take.

LUKE:

Well, what are they?

SYDNEY:

Take it easy. You can't rush this.

Before anything, you need to try

going all the way.

KEENAN:

"All the way?"

SYDNEY:

You need to turn all the way into a

female.

LUKE:

You out of your mind?!

SYDNEY:

You have to give it a try.

KEENAN:

Maybe we should get a second

opinion.

LUKE:

Yeah, may be! 'Cause you can

FORGET THAT!

SYDNEY:

Fine, but I warn you, they've never

seen this before. First, they'll

try a barrage of antipsychotic

medications, surgery, electroshock

therapy, -god knows what.

KEENAN:

If he were to try goin' all the

way, then what?

Luke glares at him.

KEENAN (CONT'D)

I'm just askin'.

35.

LUKE:

It ain't gonna' happen!

SYDNEY:

Oh, for Chris' sake! I'm trying to

help you. That Z chromosome's not

latent anymore! You don't get

control a' that thing, you don't

know when it's going to kick in,

what it's gonna' do! You want to

end up with three left breasts,

behemoth hips and one testicle?!

Luke and Keenan swallow, wide-eyed at the prospect.

Sydney calms herself down.

SYDNEY (CONT'D)

Now, there's no reason for that to

happen. Sorry. You're not the

only one who didn't get any sleep.

Now, are you going to let me help,

or not?

KEENAN:

How would he even do that? Go all

the way, I mean?

SYDNEY:

He's a Z.

(to Luke)

You become Morphescent when you get

turned on. You can change all the

way when you have an orgasm.

LUKE:

With who?

SYDNEY:

I'm available.

LUKE:

No way!

SYDNEY:

Well, excuse me. Truth is, at this

stage, you don't really need anyone

else.

LUKE:

Huh?

36.

Sydney wearily sips a highball. She looks to Keenan for

help. Keenan flashes the international sign for jacking off.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Oh.

SYDNEY:

It's a lot to absorb, I know. When

you're ready, give me a call. Your

first time, you shouldn't be alone.

EXT. CEMETERY - DAWN

A deserted, hilltop cemetery. Luke sits on the manicured

lawn, across from a gravestone with vestigial images of

brightly colored smiley-faces and fish.

LUKE:

Michelle. And I really like her,

dad. But,...

He bounces a soccer ball against the headstone.

LUKE (CONT'D)

You know, I always thought your

dying was the worst thing that ever

happened to me, and that happened

more to you than it did to me... I

mean, a lot more, really.

Luke paces nervously.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Look, every day I wish you were

around, but I swear, if I tell you

this, you damn well better stay

dead!

He glances at a burial ceremony, half-mile away.

LUKE (CONT'D)

And I swear to God I'm gonna' beat

this thing. No matter what it

takes. Before I tell you, I just

want to make sure you know that,

okay?

A hushed voice...

LUKE (CONT'D)

I think I might be a Zerophiliac.

37.

EXT. LUMBER MILL

Keenan and Luke spar on roller blades, hockey sticks in hand.

Luke WHACKS the hockey puck with such intensity, it may land

on Mars.

LUKE:

I'm not doin' it. I don't care

what she says! I can control this

thing.

KEENAN:

How?

LUKE:

I didn't know what was goin' on

before. I do now, so, it's not

gonna' be a problem. I just need

to stay focused!

KEENAN:

You mean, keep yourself from

getting turned on? How're you

gonna' do that? You get turned on

by two scoops of ice cream.

Luke glares at him.

KEENAN (CONT'D)

I'm just sayin'. I mean, you think

Larissa, the horse-faced girl's got

her good points.

Michelle and Janine ride up on their bikes.

JANINE:

I knew we'd find 'em here.

MICHELLE:

We just wanted to know if you're

alright. After last night.

LUKE:

Yeah. I'm fine. Thanks. Perfect.

MICHELLE:

Good.

(slightly suggestive)

Good.

Luke smiles, his face REDDENS.

38.

MICHELLE (CONT'D)

I had a really good.

LUKE:

Me too.

Luke smiles, nods, followed by a look of PANIC.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Will you excuse me a sec'?

He ducks away.

JANINE:

What is goin' on?!

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