Zerophilia Page #6

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KEENAN:

We just need to be alone. We got

a big game tomorrow. Sometimes

guys just need to hang with the

guys, you know? No distractions?

Janine gives him a look of "What the hell are you talkin'

about?"

Keenan stares back, PLEADING.

Janine relents, despite herself.

JANINE:

C'mon, Michelle. Let the boys play

with their pucks.

BEHIND STACKS OF LUMBER

Luke leans against the logs, wipes sweat from his brow, and

realizes...

SOMETHING'S HAPPENING AGAIN.

Panicked, he grabs his crotch, feels it,

Everything's normal.

Or is it?

He frantically unbuttons his shirt and peers inside,...

He slumps back against the logs,

WAVES OF RELIEF.

39.

INT. LUKE'S HOUSE - DAY

Luke storms through the house, trying to evade Janine, who

enthusiastically follows. Keenan traipses after.

LUKE:

You TOLD HER?!

KEENAN:

I had to. You know Janine. She

knew somethin' was up.

JANINE:

I've read about this kinda' thing,

but I didn't think it was real.

It's so cool!

LUKE:

It's disgusting!

JANINE:

How can you say that? If I had a

chance to be a guy for a day, I'd

jump at it. Seriously, Keen,

wouldn't you want to get inside a

girl's body?

Realizing she just handed him the perfect straight line...

JANINE (CONT'D)

Don't EVEN go there!

(rolling her eyes)

Fine. You're boys. Still, isn't

it every guy's dream to have a pair

of b*obs to play with anytime he

wants?

LUKE:

Not my own!

(to Keenan)

Man, how could you tell her?!

KEENAN:

She should be here. It's just

weird, two guys alone, one turnin'

into a girl.

JANINE:

Yeah, I can't wait. Not exactly

something you get to see every day.

LUKE:

Forget it!

40.

JANINE:

What, HE gets to, and I don't!

LUKE:

No one gets to!

Luke goes in the bedroom, SLAMS the door.

Keenan and Janine take up residence outside.

Janine tries to peek through the keyhole, beneath the door.

JANINE:

Should we put on some soft music?

KEENAN:

You want a magazine in there?

LUKE (O.S.)

Shut up!

LATER:

Janine keeps an ear held close against the door.

KEENAN:

How 'bout a couple beers?

JANINE:

Maybe you want to take a bath?

LUKE (O.S.)

Will you PLEASE shut up?!

JANINE:

Does he sound different?

KEENAN:

Think so.

LUKE (O.S.)

Oh God!

(lewd)

Oh, my God!

(rising in pitch)

Oh my GAWD!

Keenan and Janine exchange a worried look.

41.

INSIDE THE BEDROOM

Now approaching the mirror, in awe, ...gently raising a hand

to touch the exquisite FEMALE FACE reflected there, stands a

real female, an absolutely FEMALE LUKE.

OUTSIDE THE DOOR

Janine knocks.

JANINE:

Luke? You alright?

The door opens, revealing Female Luke, wrapped in a sheet.

Keenan clutches Janine.

They STARE, AT A TOTAL LOSS, INCREDULOUS...

KEENAN:

Whoa.

JANINE:

Dude.

Female Luke speaks, with an unmistakably female voice.

FEMALE LUKE:

Happened fast, huh?

JANINE:

Can we see?

Female Luke hesitates.

KEENAN:

Come on. It's not like I haven't

seen you naked a hundred times.

And she's a girl!

Female Luke shyly parts the sheet, revealing her stunning

naked torso.

KEENAN (CONT'D)

Whoa.

JANINE:

Dude.

(exasperated)

Of course they're perfect. I

couldn't have tits like that?

Female Luke checks herself out in the mirror.

42.

FEMALE LUKE:

Oh, God. Look at me.

Keenan and Janine sit on the edge of the bed, in shock.

FEMALE LUKE (CONT'D)

What's the matter?

Keenan, afraid to answer, looks to Janine.

They both have the same reaction...

JANINE:

You're really hot. Victoria's

Secret hot.

KEENAN:

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit

edition.

JANINE:

Latvian Lesbians' Hidden Camera

Chronicles.

(to Keenan)

Don't look at me, -it's your tape.

Keenan keeps his distance from Luke, embarrassed, if turned

on.

KEENAN:

Look, I just wanna' get one thing

straight. No way I'm gonna' sleep

with you.

FEMALE LUKE:

Man, even as a joke, that's just

SICK!

JANINE:

I will. I'm definitely not into

the butch hair thing, though. You

gotta' do something about that.

Keenan looks at her shocked.

JANINE (CONT'D)

I thought you're into watchin' two

girls?

Keenan's speechless.

Female Luke can't stop gazing at herself in the mirror.

43.

FEMALE LUKE:

This is too weird. This is

freaking me out.

KEENAN:

Should we call Dr. Catchadourian?

FEMALE LUKE:

What for? I did it. Now, I can

switch back. Get outta' here.

JANINE:

Already?

KEENAN:

Yeah, okay, yeah.

JANINE:

Will you stop starin'?!

Janine rolls her eyes, as she and Keenan back out of the

room, their eyes locked on her amazing body.

OUTSIDE BEDROOM - LATER

Janine and Keenan are sprawled on the nearby couch.

Luca opens the door.

FEMALE LUKE:

Janine? It's like I can't get in

the right mood or something.

JANINE:

Welcome to my world. Oh, honey, no

one could in this situation.

FEMALE LUKE:

You gotta' help. I need to do this

right now!

JANINE:

You can't force these things.

KEENAN:

Some girls go half their lives

before they even have one.

JANINE:

Okay, Studly, what do you suggest?

44.

KEENAN:

She likes it when I tell her stuff.

JANINE:

Like what?

KEENAN:

"You're so beautiful,"

"I love your smile,"

"The English Patient was my

favorite movie too."

Janine and Female Luke both roll their eyes. Female Luke

swings the door shut.

The DOORBELL CHIMES.

FEMALE LUKE (O.S.)

Who's that?!

KEENAN:

Pizza! Figured you'll want some

after.

FRONT DOOR:

Janine throws it open, Max stands outside.

MAX:

Hey.

JANINE:

Can I help you?

MAX:

I was lookin' for Luke.

KEENAN:

Hey, man. He's not around right

now. What's up?

Female Luke comes out of the bedroom, wrapped in a sheet.

FEMALE LUKE:

Thank God. I'm starving!

She stops in her tracks, stares at Max.

Max stares back, intrigued.

MAX:

How ya' doin'?

45.

Female Luke nods 'okay.'

MAX (CONT'D)

I'm Max. You live here too?

Janine, Keenan, and Female Luke are momentarily speechless.

JANINE:

No. She's just visiting.

KEENAN:

She's Luke's cousin.

JANINE:

Luca.

Keenan and Luca GLARE at Janine.

Max gazes at Luca, spellbound.

MAX:

I always thought "Luca" was a guy's

name? Italian or something.

Luca wraps herself more tightly in the sheet.

LUCA:

I'm part Italian.

MAX:

Cool. I'm part Italian too. The

important part.

(perfect Italian)

Lei sono una bella donna. Amerei

per mostrarlo il che inclinando

torre di pisa.

LUCA:

What's that mean?

His eyes fixed on Luca, he smiles.

MAX:

You in town for a while?

JANINE:

No, just a few weeks.

LUCA:

'Weeks?!'

KEENAN:

Days.

46.

LUCA:

I'm leaving today! Now!

KEENAN:

Is there anything you want me to

tell Luke?

Max gets fluid, scanning the room for a toehold, infatuated

by Luca. He seizes on a hockey stick.

MAX:

I'm way into hockey. I was hopin'

Luke could show me the ropes. Is

he as awesome as I've heard?

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