Zmd: Zombies Of Mass Destruction

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Well, well, well.

What do we have here? A whale?

Oh, boy.

Will you get your hands off me?

Okay, God. All right, fine.

- What do you say, Harry?

- Hey there, Joe. How you doing?

Frida?

- Hey, Mr. Miller.

- Brian. Brian!

Hey, look, it's Frida.

Just got out of his acting class.

God damn it,

get your ass out of the car, dipshit.

Jeez, Dad, anger management.

- Hey, Frida.

- Hey, Brian.

Well, hey there, stranger.

When did you get back?

- Like, a month ago.

- A month?

So the hotshot Princeton girl has no time

to say hey to us island folk, huh?

He's just teasing, sweetie.

Brian, did you see Frida, honey?

- She's like, four feet in front of me.

- Actually,

I'm taking a bit of a break

from Princeton, so...

- Dropping out, huh?

- So, you're gonna be around?

- You and... We should...

- It's just a hiatus. I don't know.

Dad kind of needs me

at the restaurant, and...

Great, yeah.

Well, lookit, Frida, honey,

I've been wanting to tell you how awful

that whole mess over in Iraq is.

I always vote...

We always vote Democrat

in every election and...

What the hell are you talking about,

we always vote Democrat?

- I don't vote for no pussies.

- Joe!

Look, Frida's glad we're bringing

democracy to her home country.

Am I right, Frida?

Actually, I'm not from Iraq.

- What's that?

- I'm from right here.

It's my dad who's from Iran.

- Iran.

- Iran.

Well, I think it's just a tragedy.

All that blood for a little bit of oil.

You know what?

It's always a pleasure seeing you guys,

but I gotta get going.

Well, take care now, Frida.

- Bye, Frida.

- Say goodbye, Brian.

That guy doesn't like his burger.

It's not done enough.

They're always complaining, these people.

Hi.

How's it hanging, Mr. Abbas?

I'm ready to wash me some dishes. Wow.

It looks really nice back here.

Did you do that?

What the f*** do you think about it?

You can just come to work

anytime you want to?

- Band practice ran a little late and...

- Band practice ran a little late?

I don't care

if the band practice ran a marathon.

You come here to work on time.

Yeah, I mean,

- you know I respect the grill, man.

- No.

You Americans just dance around

with happy, happy,

and your goddamn bacon cheeseburger.

Derek, you're fired!

Okay, wow.

Hi.

- Here you go. Well, thanks, Cheryl.

- Sure thing.

Say, listen, I have just one question for you.

What's that?

Are you ready

for the future of Port Gamble?

Cheryl, we have got some big plans

coming up for the next term.

Yeah, well, this is probably

as good a time as any to tell you

I'm running against you, Mayor Burton.

- Hi. Hi.

- Hi, how you doing?

- How you doing today?

- Vote Burton.

Well... Miss Banks.

- See you on the campaign trail.

- Count on it.

Hey, Sam. Vote Burton.

God

is not a product.

He is not a television show.

He's not a can of processed meat.

God cannot be purchased cheaply

at the Wal-Mart.

We have to earn God through our deeds,

rising in his estimation, as we hope

to rise to paradise in the afterlife.

But the people in this country

are possessed

with a madness,

with betrayal,

with greed.

Aborted little babies.

Islamic terrorists.

Homosexuals getting married.

Friends, these sins

are but temporary delights in this world.

But they are a ticket straight to hell

in the next!

God

is watching.

And God will strike back soon.

Amen.

Amen!

That's it for today, brothers and sisters.

Remember, tonight's bingo night.

I made $50 last month.

This was not a good idea, Lance.

- Come on, Tom.

- Lance.

- I told you to ease up on all the queerisms.

- No, no, no, no, no, what? The queerisms?

I do what I want, when I want,

and I think you know that, Thomas.

Look, this is not Manhattan, all right?

Things are different out here.

Okay, fine, I understand your point.

But we've talked about this over and over.

We're gonna go have dinner

with your mama.

We'll come out over dessert, together,

and when it's done,

we'll head back on the boat,

go back east, and we will be free, Tom.

I mean, it's gonna be great. No more guilt.

Okay? No more dodging family holidays.

You know, no more deep, dark secrets

that we're keeping from everyone we know.

It's not a big deal.

I'm looking around, I like what I see.

- This is a cool town, come on.

- Cool?

- Cool? Cool?

- What?

- All right, I got your cool right here.

- What?

Gary Prince, my first love.

- He came out when he was 17.

- High school.

He was just beautiful.

He had this light in his eyes.

I always meant to let him know

how I felt about him,

but after he came out,

they shipped him off to a straight camp

somewhere in the Midwest.

They told him God would see him through.

What he was put through

at that Straight Acres, I'll never know.

But I swear he was like a zombie

when he came back.

Tom!

Thought that was Tom Hunt.

- Ms. Banks?

- Yeah. Look at you.

- What have you been up to?

- Well, you know, just doing Wall Street.

- How about you?

- Still teaching high school,

but not for much longer.

Right, sorry. Ms. Banks, this is my... Lance.

- Lance.

- I see. Very nice to meet you, Lance.

- Tom, this is so great. You're finally out.

- What?

You mean out of this town.

Yeah, I finally made it.

Well, Tom,

I'm very proud of you.

You can take that for what it's worth, okay?

- I should get back to my run.

- Thank you, Ms. Banks.

See you guys around, yeah?

- Reverend Haggis?

- Come in.

- Mayor Burton.

- Don't get up, Reverend Haggis.

Great sermon today, really great.

That second hour, faultless.

Thank you. I worked quite a bit

about that part about the abortion clinic.

Just the way that they're taking

the responsibility away from...

She's running against me.

- Banks is running against me.

- Banks?

She's a godless jezebel.

Well, Teddy, with all due respect,

- so is half the island.

- I know.

Truth be told, it's probably more than half.

Port Gamble has changed.

I mean, did you see that turnout today?

It's Sunday morning, for pity's sake.

It's God's prime time to shine.

Remember the 90s, Teddy?

Clinton was our go-to scapegoat.

We had the fishing industry.

Tourists by the hundreds.

We had two services on Sunday

and one on Wednesday.

I used to...

I used to say things of consequence.

I used to... I used to move people.

I don't know.

Hey, now, you still move them.

There may not be as many.

But believe me, they're all yours.

I just wish half of them

had as much devotion as you do.

Yeah, well,

I am your number one fan after all.

I know, Hal.

Things will pick up.

You wanna pray?

- You shouldn't pray in the front room, Dad.

- Don't start again, Frida.

- Dad, don't start.

- If you think you're going out

dressed like that,

you are insane.

Dad, I don't have time to change.

I'm going out.

With whom? With your pimp?

Dad, this is the way people dress

when they go on a date.

A date?

Is it Hamid?

Yeah, Dad, the one-brow wonder?

Yeah, that'd be a great date, wouldn't it?

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