Zmd: Zombies Of Mass Destruction Page #2

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You just don't like Hamid

because he's one of us.

It's truth, Frida.

- You're ashamed of who you are.

- You know what? You just hate Derek

- because he's not Iranian.

- Derek?

Derek Blaine?

The same guy that I fired today?

- You fired Derek today?

- You're surprised?

What happened to you, jelly-belly?

Quitting Princeton,

coming back to this bullshit place,

giving your time to nobodies?

Please, Dad,

you have no idea who I really am.

This, Frida, this is who you are.

You're part of the real culture,

real history.

You're Iranian. You're from the good family.

And one day,

you take our restaurant national.

But I don't want that. I've never wanted that.

I've seen what that place does to you.

All you do is work.

Who do you think this is all for?

I didn't make chicken-fried steak

for 20 years so you could be one of them.

What do you think your mother would say?

- I'm coming out, coming out, coming out.

- You are coming out.

- Can't believe it. Coming out.

- This is the day. I'm so excited for you.

It's gonna be so good.

It's gonna be a great dinner.

- This is crazy.

- F***.

Tom, sweetheart.

Honey.

I think now might be a good time

to stick to the plan

that we've discussed over and over again

because look where we are.

It's your house. Your mom's inside.

I don't understand

why you can't just figure it out.

- Because we're here.

- Okay, okay.

- And we came from the east coast.

- Okay, okay.

- What is the... No.

- She could happily live her whole life

- without ever knowing.

- Hey, but guess what? We're here right now.

This is who you are,

and she needs to know about it.

Wouldn't next year be a better year?

It's the Year of the Cock, I think.

Look at this.

Last year, you were "too busy."

And the year before that,

you dad had just died.

- And the year before that...

- Okay. Okay.

- I can't even keep track.

- All right, all right.

It's like, what is your deal?

You know what? Just come here.

Just walk with me. Come on.

This is... It's the time. This is the time.

Let's go. Come on.

- Wait.

- What?

What about your dad?

You never told me how your dad reacted.

It's not important. Let's go. Come on.

Come on.

- Frida!

- Derek, what the f***?

- Hey, Freed. You ready?

- I don't know.

- Your dad?

- He means well.

It's just, he's just old-fashioned.

Yeah, old-fashioned my foot up his ass.

So that's it, huh? I'm ditched for the night

because of your dad?

Frida, when are you gonna realize

that you can't just let him control you

like that for your whole life?

It's like that song that I wrote,

Life Is a Rocky Road.

You know, where the guy

goes into the ice cream store

to buy himself some Rocky Road,

but then he realizes there's like

all these other flavors.

- You just got to find your flavor, girl.

- I have a flavor.

Just no one likes it.

- I like your flavor.

- You certainly do.

And I was just standing in line,

waiting for my latte,

when he just bent over

and he bit me on the arm.

Just like that.

And after I bought

three boxes of Girl Scout cookies

from that chubby little troll

of a granddaughter of his.

- God, that is awful.

- Mr. Chambers bit you. That is so weird.

Port Gamble is not what it used to be, dear.

I mean, it's just not safe

to go out on the streets anymore.

Well, really, Mom,

I'm just glad you're all right.

Well, thank you for your concern, dear.

So, Mrs. Hunt, I have been dying to know

what this handsome little devil was like

as a youngster.

Well, he was sort of an oddball.

- An oddball.

- Yeah.

Didn't have much luck with the ladies.

- Really?

- He really didn't.

And he was horrible at sports.

Guess you could say that, well,

he just didn't pan out.

- You know, I did pull six figures last year.

- Of course you did, dear.

Now don't get so defensive.

Now, his father on the other hand...

Now, there was a rock.

He was one of the last real men.

Yeah, until you got through with him.

Such a drama queen.

The medicines just don't seem

to be cutting it.

- Should we just call it a night?

- Mrs. Hunt,

are we still up for dessert, or...

Yes, yes, of course. Dessert, dessert.

I made your favorite.

- Ladyfingers?

- Ladyfingers.

Ladyfingers? You're such a fag, Tom.

Do you know where my lighter went?

What do you think, Freed?

- It's about me.

- See, I knew you'd get it.

- Does the song say I'm like a cheetah?

- Yeah. Yeah, that's my favorite line, too.

I mean, I know it's not like

Radiohead or anything, you know? But...

God!

- You dad?

- Yeah.

Dude, I heard you got fired today.

How stupid do you have to be to get fired

from washing dishes, D-Bone?

Well, you know, it's just your dad

is just such a total a**hole.

Yeah, right, because it's not like

he's trying to run a business or anything.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Are you standing up for your father?

- No.

Are you angry?

You are. You're pissed off.

God, you're just like your father

underneath all that, aren't you?

Gross!

Man, all you Iraqis are so pissed off

all the time.

You're, like, the third person today

to call me Iraqi. You know that?

Maybe it's because you have

such a perfect l-rack.

- Wow. That is so dumb of you to say.

- Or, you know, whatever, Middle Eastern.

Why do you people always take things

so Syria-sly?

I don't know, but I do know

that there is Norway

you are getting into these panties tonight.

I'm not... I'm not from Norway.

I'm American.

So am I, dumb sh*t.

Why does everybody think

I'm supposed to be this...

Hey, hey, whoa, Kuwait a minute, all right?

Now, you know I'm just joking, right?

You're right. I'm a dick.

You've been having a rough night,

and I'm being insensitive.

Look, man, I'm just Frida. That's it.

Why does everybody want me to be

whatever it is that they think I am, anyway?

I can't even have a normal conversation

with anybody.

I know, you're right.

I mean, you think that just 'cause I'm a real

American I don't run into this kind of sh*t?

I know what people think about me.

I know they think I'm just some total hack

who's never gonna write a good song.

So, I make jokes, you know. It's...

What do you call it?

It's a defense mechanism.

But I...

I love you, Frida. With a capital "L."

You're my lady.

That's my blood! Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

I can't do this.

Okay, Tom, you can do this.

- I can't.

- You can do this.

- I can't.

- You can, just say it.

"Mom, I'm gay."

- Mom?

- Yes, Thomas?

I'm...

- I'm thinking about...

- Stop, stop, okay?

That's fine. You have to start smaller.

So, just try,

"Mom, I have something to tell you."

Mom, I have something to tell you.

"I'm gay." Go.

I'm...

Life is filled with twists and turns.

I'm gay, Mom!

Mom?

Mom, I'm gay.

A homo, and a pretty good one, too.

- I suck dick, Mom.

- Sometimes.

Mom. Mom?

Mom?

Mom, I was born that way.

- It's nobody's fault.

- Mrs. Hunt, just calm down.

Look, if it's any consolation, he's the top.

- I receive.

- No, Mom, wait.

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