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MAMARONECK MEDICAL RESEARCH FACILITY

Medical Waste Pickup, Transport & Environmentally Friendly Disposal

TRUCKER:

So four months later, she's pregnant again, you know, so we're going back down to the clinic, she's crying, "Do you love me?" and all that type of stuff, I told her I did but... You think that means I'm going to hell?

LUKE:

Nah.

TRUCKER:

You know I dated a guy once.

LUKE:

Could I hear all about it?

TRUCKER:

I mean, there's not a lot to tell, it's like one of the easiest weeks of my life other than the sex. That was brutal. You know, it's not the dick, it's the whiskers, man, just creeps you out. Yeah, we just agreed on everything. "Want to get some beers?" "Yeah." "Want to watch the game?" "Absolutely."

LUKE:

We have beers and we watch the game. I hear a lot of myself in this story.

TRUCKER:

There's none of you in the story, man, it was a one-time thing.

LUKE:

Yeah. My friend told me I can't sh*t in his house anymore.

TRUCKER:

Oh, isn't that the worst?

LUKE:

You believe that?

TRUCKER:

Yeah, they get all mad 'cause you blew out their bathroom. It's a place to sh*t. It's the... That's what the room is built for. You're supposed to go in there and take a sh*t and then when you do it, they act like they're surprised. Like you took a dump on their table or something.

LUKE:

Yeah. I did take a dump on his table. (CELL PHONE BEEPS) Hey, man, you see that deer up there?

TRUCKER:

Yeah, I see it.

LUKE:

I don't think you do.

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

(THUMPING)

TRUCKER:

Okay, I admit it. I didn't see the deer. I see him now. Hey, check the back.

LUKE:

Your back's fine. I'm gonna check the front. (SIGHS) He's not gonna make it.

TRUCKER:

Eh, they carry disease. All right, here we go. Up and over.

(BEAVERS COOING)

(WEEPING)

(PHONE CHIMES)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

MAN:

Gotta sh*t.

JENN:

Dammit. Just a second.

MAN:

Whoa.

JENN:

Sorry. The ladies' room was occupied. Would you mind moving?

MAN:

Well, why don't you... (LAUGHS) I don't mind doing anything you ask me to do.

MARY:

What took you so long?

JENN:

Um, they were out of toilet paper. Had to use my hands.

(ZOE GIGGLES)

MARY:

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. And on the slitted sheet I sit. I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit and on this shitted... Dammit.

ZOE:

You suck.

MARY:

I know. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) Hey, biatch, what did I say?

JENN:

Right. No texting. Sorry.

ZOE:

You know, that's totally rude, Jenn.

MARY:

No textin' and no boys for the entire weekend.

ZOE:

Wow. That sounds so awesome.

MARY:

Shut up, Zoe.

JENN:

Maybe this is a bad idea. I don't want you guys to have a lame weekend just 'cause of me.

ZOE:

Well, great, let's re-invite the guys. Isn't that right, Gosling? He says, "Yes, that's right."

MARY:

That's not real supportive, Zoe. I mean, if Buck cheated on you, I wouldn't be making a joke about it every five minutes.

ZOE:

First of all, like, Buck would never cheat on me. And second, I'm only kidding, Jenn, so relax. This weekend is about Y-O-U.

MARY:

Yeah, we know that's asking you to give up a lot.

ZOE:

Nah, only about six inches.

MARY:

That is so gross.

JENN:

Yeah. Next subject, please.

(CHUCKLES)

ZOE:

Mary, does your cousin's shack have electricity?

MARY:

Why? Do you need a place to plug in your vibrator?

(JENN CHUCKLES)

ZOE:

How dare you?

(WEIRD ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)

ZOE:

Ah! Turn that music off, Mary.

JENN:

You seriously like this?

MARY:

You seriously don't?

ZOE:

Don't listen.

MARY:

I can't believe I'm friends with people who have no taste in music.

WELCOME TO ASHWOOD

POPULATION 4080

(REELING)

(GRUNTS)

(RUSTLING)

(GROWLING)

MARY:

Here we are.

JENN:

This is so beautiful.

ZOE:

Do your cousins, like, throw their trash in the middle of the lake?

MARY:

Why would you even ask that?

ZOE:

'Cause, there's a big piece of wood just floating in the middle of it.

MARY:

That's a raft, you idiot. It's anchored there so people can use it. Come on, let's go. We're almost there.

ZOE:

The suspense is killin' me.

JENN:

Are we stoppin' here for more gas?

ZOE:

My legs!

MARY:

My butt hurts.

ZOE:

Yeah, thanks to your boyfriend.

MARY:

Very funny.

JENN:

That's disgusting.

ZOE:

I'm first.

JENN:

I seriously need a drink.

ZOE:

Okay. Go kill some squirrels, buddy. Kill 'em good.

MARY:

What do you think?

ZOE:

Are we really gonna swim in that bog?

MARY:

First off, it's a lake. And yes, we're really gonna swim in it.

JENN:

I haven't swam in a lake in my whole life.

ZOE:

Have you swam in a pool?

JENN:

Yeah.

ZOE:

Well, I think you're gonna find out it's really not all that different.

MARY:

Of course it's different. This is nature.

ZOE:

She's right. You're gonna wind up with a lot more bugs in your mouth.

MARY:

Oh, you guys, that neighbor lady is comin' over so be nice.

MYRNA:

Oh, my God... Mary, is that you?

MARY:

Mrs. Gregorson. It's so nice to see you.

MYRNA:

Oh, my goodness, you have blossomed.

ZOE:

Not really. Her tits are still small.

MARY:

Thanks, Zoe. Myrna, these are my sorority sisters, this is Jenn and Zoe.

MYRNA:

Oh, right, well, it's a pleasure.

JENN:

Hello.

ZOE:

'Sup, biatch?

MYRNA:

Are you looking after the house while your cousins are away?

MARY:

Oh, no. We're just up here for the weekend.

MYRNA:

Oh, right. Unwinding in between all the exams.

ZOE:

Well, we were supposed to have torrid, getaway sex but Jenn's guy cheated on her, so...

MYRNA:

Oh, I see.

MARY:

She is kiddin', Mrs. Gregorson.

ZOE:

I am kidding. None of us have had sex. Ever

MARY:

Yeah.

MYRNA:

Oh, it's okay, Mary. My daughter is a total f***in' b*tch too. A real whore. Sometimes she brings people home, I don't even know what sex they are. And I'm not saying anything negative about them, I'm a very, very liberal woman, but my daughter is a real piece of work and not that attractive. Well, if you girls need anything, you know where to find us. Winston and I would love to have you over for breakfast.

JENN:

Yeah, that, that sounds nice. Maybe we'll take you up on that.

MYRNA:

No pressure, of course.

(LAUGHS)

ZOE:

Okay.

MARY:

Here we are. Home sweet home.

ZOE:

Whoo! Go potty.

(LAUGHS)

JENN:

Ugh, it smells in here.

ZOE:

What's that smell in here? It smells like wood.

(DOG URINATING)

JENN:

Where's the bathroom?

MARY:

Straight down the hall.

ZOE:

Where's the other bathroom?

MARY:

There's only one bathroom.

ZOE:

I'm just gonna go right here.

MARY:

You seriously can't wait two minutes for Jenn?

ZOE:

Shh. It's coming out.

(WATER RUNNING)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

JENN:

Come on.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

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