Zombeavers Page #2

JENN:

What?

ZOE:

One bathroom. Fun, right?

JENN:

Be my guest.

MARY:

Let me guess. No service.

JENN:

What?

MARY:

Oh, Jenn, you are a horrible liar.

JENN:

Okay. I texted him back.

MARY:

Why are girls so attracted to such a**holes?

JENN:

You're not. Tommy's great.

MARY:

You are not supposed to be talking to Sam. That is the whole purpose of this entire trip.

JENN:

Well, it's not like I have much of a choice now, is it?

MARY:

Exactly.

JENN:

How am I gonna check my messages?

MARY:

I have not gone more than 24 hours without Instagram since, like, there was no Instagram. And I'm copin'. If Zoe can do it, you can do it.

ZOE:

(ZOE SCREAMS)

There's no f***in' service. You knew about this, didn't you? You said no boys, not no phones.

MARY:

I did say no phones.

ZOE:

But you didn't say it would be physically impossible to use it behind your back.

MARY:

What is the big deal, you guys? People went thousands of years without cell phones, you can go two days.

ZOE:

Speak for yourself. What if there's, like, an emergency or somethin'?

MARY:

There's, like, a land line.

ZOE:

A what?

MARY:

You guys, you're not gonna miss your phones. I promise you. Now can we just get changed?

ZOE:

I don't wanna get changed. I wanna send a text!

ZOE:

No, no, Gosling, stay here.

MARY:

Sunglasses, check. Towels, check. Sunscreen, check.

ZOE:

Whoo! All right, let's get naked.

MARY:

What are you doing? Someone could see you.

ZOE:

Who? Mrs. Gregorson? I see, like, two houses here. If I'm getting anything out of being stuck in the middle of nowhere, it's a tan without lines. Come on in, b*tches.

MARY:

Well, I guess we can be grateful she left the bottoms on.

JENN:

I bet Mrs. Gregorson swims topless.

JENN:

It's so nice out. Okay, do mine now.

ZOE:

Oh, I'm so comfortable. Can't Mary do it?

JENN:

You used me.

ZOE:

Stop.

MARY:

I'll do it.

JENN:

Mmm. This is nice. What is that?

MARY:

Looks like a beaver dam.

JENN:

I want to see a beaver. They're so adorable.

MARY:

Yeah, well don't get your hopes up. I'm pretty sure they're nocturnal.

ZOE:

Where'd you learn that? Wikipedia?

MARY:

I learned it from livin' in Indiana, which means that you should know it too.

ZOE:

Well, all I know is they're fat rats with big, stupid-ass teeth.

MARY:

Nice. Where are you goin'?

JENN:

Come on, let's go take a look.

MARY:

Whoo!

ZOE:

Make it rain, b*tches!

(YELPS)

Whoo!

JENN:

Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.

ZOE:

Gross. Try banging on it, that should wake 'em up.

MARY:

At least cover up, at least while we're walkin' around.

ZOE:

My top is on the other side. You wanna lend me yours?

MARY:

Cut it out.

(GIGGLES)

ZOE:

Ew. Is that like, green beaver urine?

MARY:

Guess. Kinda looks like it. Maybe that's like how they mark their territory or somethin'.

ZOE:

By pissin' all over their house?

MARY:

They don't live in the dam, you idiot. They live in the lodge. Over there.

JENN:

Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.

ZOE:

Yeah, nice try. That one's covered in piss too.

MARY:

Fine. You win. Beavers piss all over everything. Are you happy?

JENN:

I don't see any beavers. Oh, my God!

MARY:

What?

(SNIFFING)

(GASPS)

(GROWLS)

ZOE:

I'm scared.

MARY:

It's gonna be okay. (BEAR GROWLING) We're just gonna back up real slowly.

(GUNSHOT)

(SCREAMS)

(BEAR SNARLING)

MARY:

Thank you so much.

SMYTH:

Well, look at you three little heifers.

JENN:

I think you just might have saved our lives.

SMYTH:

That's doubtful. Bears don't usually attack more than one or two folks at a time. You'd be three. Of course, if you'd have taken a step in his direction he might have hightailed it.

ZOE:

Well, better safe than sorry then.

SMYTH:

Yeah. You girls from out of town?

MARY:

My name is Mary. Mary Daughtry. Uh, we're stayin' over there at my cousin's place.

SMYTH:

McKellers?

MARY:

Yeah. You know 'em?

SMYTH:

No. My name's Smyth, with a Y. Just in case you girls need to write me a check one day. (SMYTH CHUCKLES) What brings you across the lake?

JENN:

We were looking for beavers.

SMYTH:

Well, hell, ain't we all? Well, if you see one, you ought to stay away from it. They will mess with you. You look real close, they'll come out, Peek out just a little bitty knob out there, little pink knob, like a little ol' puppy's dick.

ZOE:

Well, I guess we'll be more careful then.

SMYTH:

You know... You might want to cover up. We got decent folk out in this neighborhood. Families. You know, kids.

MARY:

Yeah, we know. It's just that she lost her bikini top in the lake.

SMYTH:

Talking about all three of you. Your little bare stomachs, weird-ass little tattoos.

MARY:

Okay, he's a creeper.

ZOE:

Yeah. There's probably some helpless furry little animal just waiting to get shot.

SMYTH:

Ugh.

JENN:

Well, I've had enough excitement for one day.

MARY:

At least you got to see a man, right?

ZOE:

I don't like them there tattoos and sh*t.

MARY:

Shut up, he could hear you.

ZOE:

(GIGGLES)

I don't care.

(GROWLING)

MARY:

All right, I got popcorn.

Sing a song...

MARY:

Is it popcorn or is it popped-corn?

ZOE:

I don't know. Jenn, go long!

JENN:

Zoe, you're wasting it all.

MARY:

Okay, whose turn is it?

ZOE:

All right, Jenn. Would you rather? Go.

JENN:

Okay. Would you rather never be able to use a tampon or never be able to use lipstick?

ZOE:

That is so lame, Jenn. I've got one. Are you ready? Would you rather watch your mom get murdered by your daddy or get raped by your daddy while your mom had to watch?

JENN:

Zoe, that's awful.

ZOE:

Would you rather?

MARY:

Answer it.

JENN:

I guess get raped by my dad.

ZOE:

Ew!

MARY:

Gross!

JENN:

What? Would you rather have your mom die?

MARY:

I wouldn't do either. That's so f***ing disgusting. You're sick.

JENN:

What's the point of this game anyways?

MARY:

I don't blame you, your dad's real hot.

ZOE:

He is.

(RUSTLING)

(PANTING)

ZOE:

All right. Home run me. Home run me.

MARY:

Ready?

ZOE:

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

(LAUGHS)

MARY:

(SINGING)

Da, da, da, da, dah! You missed.

ZOE:

I did it by the air, b*tch. I'll do it myself. Ah! Whoo!

(LAUGHS)

ZOE:

I got it. Truth or dare. Y'all can make out like you did last time.

JENN:

No, that's no fun unless there's guys around to make jealous.

MARY:

That's bullshit. You liked it and you know it. Come here, come give me a kiss.

JENN:

Stop. I didn't even say dare. (POUNDING) What was that?

ZOE:

(LAUGHS) It's your daddy, Jenn.

MARY:

Yeah, he's come to collect.

JENN:

Oh, real funny. (POUNDING) No, seriously, what the f*** is that?

ZOE:

Well, I'm just gonna have to go and find out.

JENN:

Don't open the door.

ZOE:

Hello? Anybody? Hey, serial killers, we've got three hot babes in here who haven't had sex in a really long time.

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