Zombeavers Page #3

MARY:

It could be dangerous out there.

ZOE:

Ooh!

MARY:

Zoe, I'm serious.

ZOE:

You know what, Mary? You're a real buzzkill.

JENN:

Don't go out there! Why are there no streetlights?

MARY:

Because there are no streets.

JENN:

I hate the country.

MARY:

(SOFTLY)

Zoe.

(POUNDING NOISE)

MARY:

(GASPS)

What the hell is that?

JENN:

Should we call the police or something?

(DOOR SLAMS)

JENN:

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

MARY:

It's okay, it's okay. It was just the wind. It's locked.

JENN:

Mary...

MARY:

It's okay. Just...

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMING)

TOMMY:

(TOMMY FARTS)

Ha, ha!

MARY:

Tommy! You a**hole!

TOMMY:

Oh, come on. It's nice to see you too.

MARY:

But that wasn't funny. How did you even get up here?

TOMMY:

I'm sorry, babe. Buck talked me into it.

BUCK:

Yeah, I had to drag his ass all the way up here and the whole time he's like, "Wait, no, wait, Mary said that we're not supposed to come. "Mary said that it's just girl's night. "Mary wants to just be with her vagina all weekend."

MARY:

Shut up, Buck.

ZOE:

Oh, my God, you guys should have seen y'all's faces. It was classic.

MARY:

You were in on this?

ZOE:

Not if it'll make you any madder.

(POUNDING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

SAM:

Would any of you ladies care to come inside and join me, 'cause there's no beer out here.

MARY:

This is my cousin's house, you idiot. How did you even get in there?

SAM:

Magic. No, bedroom window was open. Hi, Jenn.

MARY:

What part of "stay away" do you guys not understand?

BUCK:

The "stay away" part. I just don't get it.

MARY:

You're not invited up here. Despite whatever this one may have told you.

TOMMY:

Hey, come on, come on. We parked the car down the road so you wouldn't hear us. Besides, we missed you guys.

BUCK:

Mary, I haven't had sex in 36 hours. You know, when your foot's asleep? My dick's asleep. I've got to wake it up.

ZOE:

I have to wake that dick up.

BUCK:

Wake that dick up. Baby.

ZOE:

I will.

BUCK:

I can't even feel it.

ZOE:

Mary, please.

BUCK:

Mary, please, my dick's asleep.

SAM:

Wasn't this weekend for everybody?

MARY:

Yeah, it was until you f***ed it all up. No, I'm sorry. You guys have to leave.

ZOE:

But, Mary, they just drove all the way out here.

MARY:

This is my house and I make the rules.

JENN:

It's fine, Mary. They can stay.

BUCK:

Jenn! Thank you, Jenn! Give it up for Jenn everybody. (CLAPS) Right?

MARY:

Jenn, do not let them bully you into this.

JENN:

No, really, maybe it will force me to, you know, face it head on instead of running away.

MARY:

You sure?

ZOE:

Oh my, goddammit, she's sure. Come on. Come on, we're all adults here. This doesn't have to be awkward.

BUCK:

Gentlemen, I'll see you in the bone zone.

TOMMY:

Let's get drunk.

(MARY YELLS)

TOMMY:

Whoo!

BUCK:

Ow!

SAM:

Right. Well, at least this can't get any more awkward.

(LOVEMAKING SOUNDS)

(MOANING)

BUCK:

Oh, I feel like a power ranger! Oh! Oh, sh*t, you are sweet! You are way too hot for me!

ZOE:

Oh, baby! You know it!

JENN:

This was helpful. Thanks for stopping by.

SAM:

Baby.

JENN:

Don't call me that. You've lost your baby privileges.

SAM:

But it's not as bad as you think.

JENN:

You've no idea what I think.

SAM:

Can we at least talk about it?

JENN:

Fine. Want to talk about it? Who is she? Do I know this little whore?

SAM:

What is that? Seaweed?

JENN:

It's you, you a**hole. A friend of a friend tagged you on Facebook from Michelle's party last weekend. Who is she?

SAM:

I know it looks bad. I do. I know. But I was really drunk.

JENN:

You know what, if you're not gonna answer my questions then we have nothing else to talk about.

SAM:

Just, come on...

JENN:

Don't touch me.

SAM:

You feel better?

JENN:

Getting there.

(SAM SIGHS)

JENN:

Let me go. I'll scream.

SAM:

Join the club. I missed you so much. (THUD) Oh.

JENN:

Missed you too.

SAM:

(GROANS) Ah.

BUCK:

That was worth the drive up. For sure.

ZOE:

Again.

BUCK:

I'm only one man. (GIGGLES) It takes an hour to recharge. Do you not read magazines?

TOMMY:

(TOMMY GROANS)

Oh. Oh.

MARY:

Can you hand me my glasses?

TOMMY:

Yeah. You Okay?

MARY:

Yeah, why?

TOMMY:

I don't know. You just seem a little out of it. Did you finish?

MARY:

I guess I'm just worried about Jenn, that's all.

TOMMY:

So, that's a no. (SIGHS)

(THUMP)

JENN:

Someone in there?

(THUMPING)

JENN:

Buck, I swear to God, I'm gonna stick that bat up your...

(BEAVER GROWLING)

JENN:

(SHRIEKING) (CRYING) Oh, my God, you have to see them! You guys...

SAM:

What?

JENN:

In the bathroom!

SAM:

Calm down. What's wrong?

JENN:

There's something in there.

SAM:

Tell me what's wrong!

JENN:

There's something, I don't know, like...

BUCK:

Who the f*** is crying on vacation day? What's goin' on?

MARY:

What did you do to her?

SAM:

No, I didn't do anything.

JENN:

(GASPING)

Listen, there's a beaver in the bathroom.

ZOE:

That's really great news, haven't you been looking for beavers since we got here?

JENN:

No, no, there was something wrong with it. It was f***ing rabid or something.

TOMMY:

Well, you know what we should do? We should capture it and we'll raise it as our own.

BUCK:

Jenn, you are a really ugly crier.

JENN:

Go look in the f***ing bathroom!

ZOE:

Jenn, I tell you what. This is getting real ridiculous. Let's go to the f***ing bathroom.

BUCK:

Okay, big daddy Buck's got it. Here, Jenn, here, Jenn.

SAM:

Oh, there is no way I'm drunk enough for this.

MARY:

You're drunk as any one of the rest of us, so f***ing man up.

TOMMY:

Yeah, just man up.

JENN:

Just be careful.

BUCK:

P*ssy. Bein' a p*ssy.

TOMMY:

Jesus. Dude, really? F***in' p*ssy.

SAM:

Shut up.

BUCK:

Bein' a b*tch. Bein' a little b*tch about it.

(RUNNING WATER)

TOMMY:

Jenn, there's nothing in here.

JENN:

I swear. It was right there.

BUCK:

Oh, my God, Jenn. Is that one of those bathrooms? Oh, look at me, I'm in a scary, scary bathroom, Jenn. Jenn, be honest. Did you sh*t in here?

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

ZOE:
:

Oh, my God!

(GROWLING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING)

JENN:

Kill it!

(BEAVER SNARLING)

MARY:

How the hell is that thing still movin'?

(SCREAMING)

SAM:

That's gnarly.

TOMMY:

Someone want to get a garbage bag?

MARY:

That was rabies?

TOMMY:

Yeah, probably. Then again I've never seen a real beaver before up close so...

BUCK:

Yeah, me neither.

ZOE:

Well, maybe you should try going down on me once in a while, Buck.

MARY:

That was not a normal beaver. I can tell you that much.

JENN:

Yeah. Normal beavers have pupils in their goddam eyes, don't they'?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes