Zombeavers Page #4

SAM:

F***ing chicks, come on. The beaver obviously had something. Wait, I mean, did it bite anyone? Jenn, are you...

JENN:

No.

SAM:

Good. 'Cause I've heard that rabies shots hurt like a b*tch.

MARY:

Yeah, not to mention the nearest hospital is 30 miles away.

JENN:

Maybe we should just go home.

ZOE:

What?

BUCK:

Yeah, no. Jenn, we drove four hours to get here. My foot's still asleep from the ride up.

JENN:

I don't care about your foot, Buck.

MARY:

You know, we're all just upset and drunk and...

BUCK:

And horny. And 6'3", but that's just me.

SAM:

Buck, shut the f*** up.

BUCK:

Okay, you're right.

MARY:

I think that we should just sleep on it.

JENN:

Okay, well, I'm sleeping with you then.

MARY:

Yeah, sure, Jenn. Whatever you want.

BUCK:

Guys, we could die tomorrow, okay. This could be our last night. This may sound crazy but we need to have an orgy, I'm not f***ing around. A safety orgy, you know, stay together, like in the old west with the caravans.

(BEAVER SNARLING)

(WHISTLING)

(GROWLING)

(STARTS WHISTLING AGAIN)

BUCK:

Okay, here we go. Don't let the dog look.

ZOE:

Relax. I'm not going to...

JENN:

Oh, my God, Mary. Look.

MARY:

Yuck.

TOMMY:

Some wild animal came and took it. See the footprints. (GROWLS) Come on.

JENN:

I don't like this.

SAM:

What? Ah, Jenn, come on, we're all the way out in the middle of the woods. We tossed something on the porch and something's glad that we did it.

MARY:

What are you thinkin'?

SAM:

All I know is that thing is dead, guys, come on.

ZOE:

Can we please go swimming now?

BUCK:

Yeah, I second that. Let's go.

JENN:

You still want to go in the water after what happened last night?

BUCK:

Last night was in there, okay? The water's way safer than in the cabin.

TOMMY:

Yeah, come on. It's a beautiful day and the lake's right over here. We haven't seen you ladies in your bikinis yet. Come on.

JENN:

You know, we were doing just fine before you guys showed up.

MARY:

Jenn, that's not fair.

ZOE:

Yeah. Tommy did kill that beaver for us.

BUCK:

Yeah. Sorry Sam didn't kill anything because that would be the only beaver he's getting this weekend.

JENN:

Will you please stop with the beaver jokes?

BUCK:

Why did the beaver cross the road?

TOMMY:

Whoo! Attagirl!

ZOE:

Come in, Misery! Get your ass in the water and join the rest of the human beings!

JENN:

Has it ever occurred to any of you that there might be more beavers?

TOMMY:

(MOCKING JENN)

Has it ever occurred to...

BUCK & TOMMY

(BOTH MOCKING)

Beavers... Beavers...

SAM:

So, you seen the mysterious photo?

MARY:

Of course I've seen it. I've seen it over 300 times since Wednesday. She has me analyzin' every line and every pixel, trying to figure out who it is you're on top of.

SAM:

Well, I guess it's safe to say that she, uh, she doesn't know that it was you. Are you gonna tell her?

MARY:

I don't know.

SAM:

Well, you know, if you just tell her it was nothing, she's gonna believe you.

MARY:

Maybe. But she'll hate me.

SAM:

Tell that to my finger.

MARY:

Are you crazy?

ZOE:

Don't be stupid, Jenn. Get your ass in the water right now.

TOMMY:

Yeah. Come on.

BUCK:

Yeah, peer pressure, Jenn. Come on.

JENN:

Fine.

SAM:

You know with all the sh*t that's gone down, we haven't talked.

MARY:

Like you said, it was nothin'. Besides, I'm with Tommy. And if you're really lucky, you'll still be with Jenn.

JENN:

You happy?

BUCK:

This is the happiest day of my life, Jenn. You're in the lake. I don't know how it happened, but it did.

JENN:

Oh, my God.

ZOE:

What?

JENN:

Something just swam past my foot.

(BEAVER SNARLING)

ZOE:

(SIGHS)

You are, like, such a hypochondriac.

JENN:

No, I swear to God, you guys, something just f***ing hit my foot.

(LAUGHING)

BUCK:

Oh!

ZOE:

Oh, look, Buck feels it too.

(LAUGHING)

TOMMY:

Wait.

(BUCK GASPS)

TOMMY:

You swallow some water?

BUCK:

My foot!

TOMMY:

Holy sh*t!

(ZOE SCREAMS)

TOMMY:

Oh, my God!

JENN:

Get out of the water!

TOMMY:

Oh, my God!

SAM:

What the f***?

MARY:

Is that blood?

(SCREAMING)

TOMMY:

Get to the raft! Get to the f***ing raft!

JENN:

Hurry!

(YELLING)

(BEAVER GROWLING)

(GROANING)

TOMMY:

Oh, f***, he got me too!

ZOE:

No.

TOMMY:

F***!

SAM:

That was another f***in' beaver!

ZOE:

More than one.

MARY:

Beavers don't do this. They don't just... They don't just attack people like this.

TOMMY:

Oh, my God.

(BUCK GROANING)

TOMMY:

We have to tie this off right now.

ZOE:

What about this?

TOMMY:

No, no, no, too small, too small.

MARY:

Wait. The dog's vest.

TOMMY:

Yeah, yeah, perfect, perfect.

BUCK:

Hurry!

(SCREAMS)

(BUCK GROANING)

SAM:

Look!

(BEAVER SNARLING)

MARY:

Where's Jenn? Jenn!

JENN:

(PANTING)

Sh*t.

TOMMY:

Hold on, hold on, hold on!

(BEAVERS SNARLING)

MARY:

They're coming.

(YELLING)

Sh*t.

(BEAVERS SNARLING)

(SCREAMING)

MARY:

Where did they go?

(THUMPS)

(GASPS)

SAM:

Sh*t!

(SCREAMING)

(THUMPING)

TOMMY:

They're underneath us!

(THUMPING CONTINUES)

(BEAVERS SNARLING)

ZOE:

(SCREAMS) No!

(JENN PANTING)

(BEAVER GROWLS)

(JENN SCREAMS)

(BEAVERS GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

TOMMY:

Be careful!

(BEAVERS SNARLING)

TOMMY:

Hold on people.

SAM:

We cannot stay here.

TOMMY:

Yeah, no sh*t!

(BEAVERS GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

TOMMY:

Hold on, hold on.

(ZOE CRYING)

(BEAVERS SNARLING)

SAM:

There's too many of them.

(JENN SCREAMING)

(BEAVER GROWLING)

JENN:

Oh, my God!

SAM:

We have to swim for it.

TOMMY:

We need a diversion.

(SCREAMING)

TOMMY:

What the f***!

SAM:

All right. You know what? Sorry buddy. Surf's up!

ZOE:

(ZOE SCREAMING) Gosling! Gosling! No! No! (CRYING)

SAM:

We have to go, go now!

TOMMY:

Go, go.

(CRYING)

TOMMY:

Sh*t! Swim! Go, go! Swim!

(SNARLING)

(SCREAMING)

(SNARLING)

(SCREAMING)

(BEAVER SNARLING)

(JENN SCREAMING)

(BEAVER GROWLING)

JENN:

Oh my God! Ahhh!

(SNARLING)

(SNARLING CONTINUES)

TOMMY:

This doesn't make any goddamn sense.

SAM:

This is the same one from the bathroom.

MARY:

Is he like on steroids or something?

ZOE:

Mary, does it look like a baseball player?

MARY:

I don't know, Zoe.

TOMMY:

I mean, how could it still be alive?

JENN:

It isn't.

SAM:

What?

JENN:

It isn't alive.

TOMMY:

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

SAM:

All right, enough talk.

MARY:

What are you doing?

SAM:

This.

TOMMY:

Oh, Jesus.

SAM:

Any questions?

TOMMY:

(SIGHS) There's still no dial tone.

SAM:

What? Did the beavers do it? For all we know, the dial tone wasn't even on to begin with.

MARY:

You Okay?

SAM:

Now, look, l am sorry, about the dog.

ZOE:

About the dog? It's my dog. You killed my dog.

SAM:

It's between us and a... and a dog, I'm going to pick us every time. If that makes me an a**hole, then so be it, man.

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