Zombeavers Page #5

ZOE:

It does. A**hole!

SAM:

Oh, give me a break. It's a dog.

ZOE:

F*** you! I hate you. I hate... Get off of me, Mary!

MARY:

Stop.

ZOE:

You stop! You would take his side.

MARY:

I'm not taking anyone's side.

ZOE:

Oh, yeah? Tell that to Jenn.

JENN:

Mary, what is she talking about?

ZOE:

That's right, Jenn. The girl in the stupid picture with Sam, it's f***ing Mary.

MARY:

Thanks, Zoe.

ZOE:

She has a right to know. Everybody else does for f***'s sake!

TOMMY:

I didn't know.

MARY:

Tommy. Jenn, I was going to tell you.

JENN:

It doesn't matter. We have bigger problems now.

(THUMPING ON DOOR)

(BEAVER SNARLING)

JENN:

It's them, isn't it?

TOMMY:

Oh, you think? They're everywhere.

(BEAVERS SNARLING)

ZOE:

Make it stop.

TOMMY:

It has to be some sort of intimidation tactic or something.

JENN:

Well, it's working.

MARY:

Oh, my God!

(SMACKING)

MARY:

Oh my God!

SAM:

Son of a b*tch!

(HISSING)

(BEAVERS SNARLING)

SAM:

Is this what you want? You fucks!

(BEAVERS SNARLING)

SAM:

They're just out there waiting for us.

ZOE:

We've got to get Buck to a hospital.

JENN:

What about the neighbor's place?

MARY:

Yeah, we could use their phone.

SAM:

Oh, f*** that.

TOMMY:

I'll go for the car.

SAM:

F*** that too.

TOMMY:

You stay here with the girls then. I'll get Buck to a hospital and send back help. Give me Buck's foot.

(GROANS)

ZOE:

I'm going with you.

MARY:

No, Zoe, you can't.

ZOE:

I have to. Ew.

MARY:

They could be out there.

TOMMY:

They are out there, but like you said, we don't have a choice. Buck is clearly not going to make it through the night.

MARY:

There's got to be some other way.

TOMMY:

Look. Beavers are great swimmers but they're not that fast on land, okay?

JENN:

Those things out there (SCOFFS) they're not beavers.

TOMMY:

I'm going to need your car 'cause ours is down the road a ways. Give me the keys.

MARY:

Tommy, you don't have to do this.

TOMMY:

Mary. It's okay. Give me the keys.

MARY:

Tommy?

TOMMY:

Come on.

ZOE:

Come on baby.

TOMMY:

Get the door. I don't see anything. You?

ZOE:

My eyes are closed.

TOMMY:

All right, let's go. Come on.

ZOE:

Wait.

(BUCK GRUNTING)

ZOE:

Hurry, hurry!

TOMMY:

Get the door.

ZOE:

Hurry, you better get in! Better hurry.

MARY:

They're in.

ZOE:

Come on, come on.

TOMMY:

It's a f***ing hybrid. You have to finesse it.

(CAR BEEPING)

MARY:

They made it.

JENN:

Maybe we should've just gone with them.

SAM:

Yeah, maybe.

JENN:

Maybe we should just leave. Oh, no.

SAM:

Will somebody help me?

MARY:

God, you really are a p*ssy. Move!

SAM:

We've got to board up all of these windows. I'll do the heavy lifting. You girls are safe with me.

MYRNA:

Did you hear something?

WINSTON:

Did I hear what?

MYRNA:

Banging? Hollering?

WINSTON:

Oh, it's just those kids scissoring each other to Lady Gaga.

MYRNA:

Well, I know it's those kids.

WINSTON:

Well, what do you want me to do about it? Call the police?

MYRNA:

Well, I heard tires screeching. You think we ought to go over there and check up on them?

WINSTON:

You never did know when to mind your own business.

MYRNA:

And you never did know when to get up off your ass.

WINSTON:

You really want me to go over there and check on a bunch of college girls? Because you know I might just have to stay for their party.

MYRNA:

(LAUGHS)

Eww. Pig.

(BEAVER GROWLING SOFTLY)

TOMMY:

Buck? How you doing there, man? You hanging with us?

BUCK:

Oh, God.

TOMMY:

It's okay, buddy. Hey, hey, hey! Stay with us, stay with us, Buck. Everything's gonna be good, alright? Oh! Sh*t.

ZOE:

What the f***?

TOMMY:

F***! Oh, no! Oh, f***!

ZOE:

They did this!

TOMMY:

F***! Suck a bag of d*cks!

ZOE:

Sh*t. F***!

TOMMY:

There's no way around this.

ZOE:

Look!

TOMMY:

Oh, sh*t. Sh*t, wait here, I'm gonna go check it out.

ZOE:

Be careful!

TOMMY:

Hello? There's no one here.

ZOE:

What are you doing?

TOMMY:

There's guns and one ax.

ZOE:

Are you gonna steal them?

TOMMY:

Yeah, whatever, we'll borrow 'em. I promise, I'll bring 'em right back. Here.

ZOE:

What the hell am I supposed to do with this?

TOMMY:

Just take it. Please.

ZOE:

Should we go back to the cabin?

TOMMY:

No, just you guys.

ZOE:

What? Wait!

TOMMY:

Go get some more guns, load up the trunk and get everybody back to the cabin. Please, get in the car and turn it around.

ZOE;

Wait. What are you gonna do?

TOMMY:

I'm gonna go ahead on foot and get some help.

ZOE:

You're insane, Tommy.

TOMMY:

Zoe, please just get in the car and hurry.

BUCK:

Zoe? I'm sorry I never ate your p*ssy. I'm gonna go back and eat all of it one day.

ZOE:

It's okay, baby. We're gonna get out of here, okay?

BUCK:

It just smells so bad down there.

(TOMMY SCREAMING)

ZOE:

Tommy? Tommy! (CRYING) No!

(BEAVERS SNARLING)

ZOE:

No!

(SNARLING)

(GUNSHOT)

ZOE:

You!

SMYTH:

Looks like you're hemmed in a little bit. Let's take my truck.

ZOE:

We have to save my boyfriend.

SMYTH:

Well, come on. Let's get him and get out of here.

ZOE:

Come on, sweetie!

SMYTH:

Here, get in.

(SCREAMS)

SMYTH:

Damn beavers. Ah! I thought I told you to cover up?

(SNARLING BEHIND DOOR)

JENN:

They sound like babies.

SAM:

Yeah, crazy f***ing babies.

MARY:

Nails, nails, nails, nails, nails. Towards me.

JENN:

No, duh.

SAM:

Come out to the lake, have a few laughs. Dammit.

(SNARLING)

JENN:

No!

SAM:

What? What happened?

MARY:

You do realize that the whole point of a beaver is that it f***ing chomps wood.

SAM:

Oh, well, if you want me to cover the whole house with sheet metal, just say the word.

MAN ON RADIO:

This just in. If you are receiving this broadcast, barricade your doors and windows and do not leave your home. Unless you want the deal of the century! Come on down to Ashland Toyota!

SMYTH:

Damn radio. Back in the '70s, the beaver fever hit. Scared up the whole damn county.

ZOE:

Beaver fever?

SMYTH:

Caused by the Giardia parasite. Beavers carry it. Affects people too.

ZOE:

Affects them how?

SMYTH:

Oh, diarrhea mostly.

ZOE:

What does it have to do with what's going on here?

SMYTH:

Any of you guys got diarrhea?

ZOE:

No.

SMYTH:

Well, now that's good. Doesn't matter anyway. Whatever these beavers got out here, I ain't seen nothing like it before.

ZOE:

Yeah, no kidding, mister.

SMYTH:

Caught one in a trap, early this morning, only it weren't dead. And trust me, it shoulda been real dead.

(SNARLING)

SAM:

They're leaving.

(SNARLING SOFTLY)

MARY:

Why?

SAM:

How the hell should I know?

MARY:

Wait, listen. It's a truck.

JENN:

It's Zoe!

MARY:

What?

JENN:

And Buck!

SAM:

How did they get back so fast?

MARY:

Maybe they brought help?

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