Zombeavers Page #7

(ELECTRICAL BUZZ)

(SNARLING)

MARY:

I want to take my glasses off.

SAM:

No, no. It's hot, it's hot.

MARY:

Do you smell something?

SAM:

What?

MARY:

Smoke, smoke, I smell smoke.

SAM:

Okay. I'll take care of it.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

MARY:

Oh God! Oh. F*** me.

(SNARLING)

ZOE:

Get in! Where's Jenn?

MARY:

They're all dead. Just go!

ZOE:

We're getting the f*** out of here.

MARY:

Oh, sh*t, Zoe!

ZOE:

Get down!

MARY:

Zoe, look out! Are you okay?

ZOE:

Yeah.

(SNARLING)

MARY:

Oh, I think we woke the neighbors.

(SNARLING)

MARY:

GO! Go!

ZOE:

I'm trying.

MARY:

Go! Go! Go! F***ing go!

(GROWLING)

ZOE:

I mean, really?

(ROARS)

MARY:

Is this truck f***ing covered in honey?

(SNARLING)

(SCREAMING)

(SNARLS)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

ZOE:

I never liked that b*tch anyway.

MARY:

Why are we stopping?

ZOE:

It's okay, Mary. The trees are down ahead and we've got to continue on foot. Come on.

MARY:

What?

ZOE:

It's nothing. Just keep going. We're gonna have to go behind the car. We have to go around it. Come on. You're okay now, Mary. We're gonna make it. It's gonna be okay. We just need to go a little further. Mary, what are you doing?

(GUN COCKING)

ZOE:

Where did you get that?

MARY:

The glove compartment. You got bit and we both know that you're gonna turn into one of those things.

ZOE:

No, we don't know that.

MARY:

Yes, we do!

ZOE:

Mary, I feel totally fine, I swear. What, is it this? I jumped through a f***ing window! I ran through the woods. They crushed my foot, I did not get bit!

MARY:

You shut up! Do not come any closer! I mean it.

ZOE:

You at least have to wait until I turn, or else you'll be a murderer.

(GURGLING)

ZOE:

Mary! Mary, no!

(GRUNTING)

(THUDDING)

(SOBBING)

(SNARLING)

(YELLING)

(MARY SNARLING)

(SQUISHING)

LUKE:

Hey, you see that girl?

Yeah, I see her.

LUKE:

I trust you.

(THUDDING)

CREW MEMBER 11 B-mark.

CREW MEMBER 23 Okay.

Beaver fever?

Yeah. Caused by the Giardia parasite. Beavers carry it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Caused by the...

(LAUGHS)

F***.

Caused by the Giardia parasite. It's very f***ing serious sh*t.

(ALL LAUGH)

Let's roll it again.

Sorry, Jordan.

We're over there and it's Saving Private, Private's Ryan.

Jenn we're up there sucking...

And f***ing.

And f***ing, f***ing, okay? And...

(ALL LAUGHING)

CREW MEMBER:

We almost had it.

We're in there sucking and yes... And f***ing. Trucking. Keep going.

I got nothing.

We're gonna go to Arby's and get some apple turnovers.

MAN:

Copy that. Over.

I got a hand job at an Arby's one time.

Oh, yeah?

Or did I give one?

(LAUGHS)

(CREW MEMBERS LAUGHING)

(SNARLS)

CREW MEMBER:

Oh, no, the hand.

(ALL LAUGHING)

DIRECTOR:

Action.

(LAUGHS)

That's gnarly. Gnar-ley. Gnarl-ley. Gnarly. Nar-gully!

CREW MEMBER:

Nar-gully?

CREW MEMBER:

The dog's supposed to be scared of them.

I had a job for a minute as one of those sign spinners.

Like, like one of those sandwich places?

Yeah. But I had plugged it in, I put some Christmas lights in it, tried to get paid extra, strangled my penis.

Strangled your penis? How does that happen?

You can strangle your penis.

Were you doing that flip behind your back and it came up around your taint?

My penis was in a, was in a rear, naked choke.

Well, what kind of workman's comp do you get for that?

You just get fired.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Can someone pull my glasses down?

CREW MEMBER:

Yep.

Well, not you.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay.

Do you like the moan? Or do you like the...

(SQUEALING)

DIRECTOR:

Both.

I'll do the moan, you do the (SQUEAKS)

My mom never loved me, my mom never loved me. Why are you with me? Why are you with me? What do you see in me? I don't know.

(ALL LAUGHING)

CREW MEMBER:

That's great.

DIRECTOR:

Ready, action.

Well, that is f***ed up.

DIRECTOR:

Cut.

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

You hear your sweetheart scream

She tells you why

You don't believe her

She saw one in the bathroom, it's no lie

It's a Zombeaver

Contaminated by toxic goo

A random genetic mistake

They're semi-aquatic

They're hungry for you

Boys and girls stay away from the lake

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

A cheerful gang of college students

Think they're on vacation

Instead they're dodging beaver chompers and facing their damnation

Don't board up the doorways and windows, my friend

It won't do any good

These furry, brown bastards are fully equipped

And they'll chew right through the wood

Say goodbye to your golden retriever

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

So brace yourself, you've never witnessed rodents quite like these

Oh, Jesus Christ, you can't escape

They blocked the road with trees

Check your bodies for scratches, you can't be too careful

Their claws are a cause for concern

Yes, once you're infected, it's only a matter of time before you turn into

Zombeavers

Spoiler alert.

Zombeavers

Look out they're coming through the walls

Your girlfriend's chewing off your balls

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers, baby

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BUZZING)

(BUZZING)

(SNARLING)

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