Zombieland

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AINSLEY (O.S.) *

First thing. Wake up. Keurig’s *

broken. *

FADE UP ON:
*

EXT./INT. OFFICE - DAY *

Cubicles divide a sedate office. We’re on the FIRST FLOOR, *

looking through a huge PLATE GLASS WINDOW onto a PARKING LOT *

outside. Two pasty OFFICE WORKERS, AINSLEY and FRED, sit in *

FRONT of the window, BACKS to it, in the midst of a full-on *

white-collar American moan-and-groan. *

AINSLEY *

No coffee. Yeah. So I drive to *

Starbuck’s. ‘Cause I can’t *

function. I get out of the car. *

Phone flies off my lap onto the *

asphalt. Screen cracks. *

FRED *

Oh, man. *

AINSLEY *

I’m staring at the crack. Pissed *

as sh*t. ‘Cause I just got the new *

5S. And a new plan. *

FRED *

Take it back, tell them it came *

that way. They might replace it. *

If you find the right Genius. *

In the parking lot BEHIND Ainsley and Fred, a woman silently *

SPRINTS in HIGH HEELS toward her CAR, chased by a hungry *

ZOMBIE. Thus begins a marvelously intricate, chaotic, *

gruesome ACTION SCENE kicking off the zombie apocalypse. *

WE HAVE A FRONT ROW SEAT TO THE MADNESS OUTSIDE, BUT AINSLEY *

AND FRED HAVE THEIR BACKS TO IT, OBLIVIOUS AS THEY B*TCH. *

AINSLEY *

And of course what do I notice -*

this isn’t even part of the story -*

one of my apps is missing. The *

icon. From the home screen. *

Somehow I deleted it. *

FRED *

Butt-deleted. *

2.

The woman outside squirms into her car and slams the door. *

The zombie dives through the glass of the DRIVER’S WINDOW. *

Its legs dangle out the window. *

AINSLEY *

Butt-deleted. Yeah. Only I can’t *

remember which one’s gone, ‘cause *

it’s gone. And I won’t figure it *

out-*

FRED *

(nods) *

-’til you need to use it. I hate *

that. *

The woman PEELS OUT of her space. A truck speeds past, a *

BUSINESSMAN ZOMBIE hanging off its back bumper. The truck *

SMACKS the LEGS of the first ZOMBIE, RIPPING it IN HALF. *

The truck goes over a SPEED BUMP. The businessman zombie *

lets go, FACE-PLANTS, SKIDS across asphalt, notices the *

disembodied legs of the first zombie, and starts to EAT them. *

AINSLEY *

F***ing. Hate! So it gets better. *

I order at Starbuck’s. And they *

ask my name. No one ever hears my *

name right. Ainsley. No one ever *

gets that. So I say Jill. And he *

writes Jill on the cup. Only now *

my coffee’s ready. They call out *

Jill. I’ve forgotten I’m Jill! *

Which wouldn’t be a problem... *

FRED *

Lemme guess... *

A LANDSCAPER runs into frame with a JANITOR ZOMBIE on his *

heels. The landscaper is trying desperately to start a gas-*

powered double-bladed HEDGE TRIMMER. *

AINSLEY *

(nods) *

Another f***ing Jill. She walks *

off with my soy chai latte. And I *

end up with her whole milk whatever-*

the-f***. But of course I don’t *

realize it ‘til I’m back in the *

car, and I’m two thirds through the *

venti, thinking this tastes a *

little different. *

FRED *

Wait, aren’t you-? *

3.

The LANDSCAPER starts the HEDGE TRIMMER, turns, SWINGS, and *

HALF-DECAPITATES the JANITOR ZOMBIE. *

AINSLEY *

(nods) *

Lactose intolerant. And now I’ve *

finished a venti of cow’s milk. So *

I gotta pull into Walgreen’s for *

some Lactaid so I don’t get *

diarrhea. ‘Cause that’s what dairy *

gives me. Diarrhea. *

FRED *

Oh my freaking God. So-?! *

The businessman zombie abandons its meal and runs after the *

landscaper, who fails to extricate his hedge trimmer from the *

janitor zombie’s neck. The businessman zombie TACKLES the *

landscaper, who is IMPALED on the hedge trimmer. *

AINSLEY *

Still haven’t sh*t my pants. *

Genius of Lactaid. But day ain’t *

over yet. I know, I know. Hash-*

tag, ‘First-world problems.’ Some *

poor soul’s actually suffering out *

there... *

A MAN runs past the window ON FIRE, chased by a 400-POUND *

FEMALE ZOMBIE. *

FRED *

It’s OK to get irritated. You’re *

used to the life you’re used to. *

You’re allowed to get annoyed. Ah, *

lunch... *

TALLAHASSEE, 40’s, square-jawed, wearing khakis and a green *

polo shirt, ‘WHICH SANDY?’ embroidered onto the chest, pulls *

a SANDWICH CART up to the cubicles. He’s just as oblivious *

as Ainsley and Fred to the chaos outside. *

Tallahassee hands over 2 wrapped sandwiches, NAMES in MARKER. *

TALLAHASSEE *

‘Fred.’ ‘Aisley?’ ‘Ashley?’ ‘Ass-*

?’ *

AINSLEY *

It’s mine. *

The 400-pound zombie fails to catch the man on fire. It *

stops, catches its breath, and turns to look IN the WINDOW. *

4.

TALLAHASSEE *

Can I interest you in dessert? *

Ainsley shakes her head, reaches across her desk, and holds *

up a TWINKIE. *

AINSLEY *

Already hit the vending machine. *

(to Fred) *

On the Lactaid, figured why not a *

Twinkie. *

FRED *

Go, girl. *

The 400-pound zombie catches sight of the Twinkie, TURNS, and *

BEELINES for the PLATE GLASS WINDOW. *

TALLAHASSEE *

Mm! Can’t remember the last time I *

had a Twinkie! *

AINSLEY *

Shut the f*** up. Pickles in the *

tuna-fish?! *

Inspired by the tuna, the 400-pound zombie gets closer... *

TALLAHASSEE *

You don’t like pickles? *

AINSLEY *

Pickles make everything else taste *

like pickles. I specifically asked-*

(tosses sandwich down) *

Could this day possibly get any *

worse?! *

On cue, the 400-pounder SMASHES through the WINDOW... and we *

FREEZE FRAME. *

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

Call me crazy, she may be about to *

get an answer to that question. *

You know what they say about zombie *

attacks. You always remember your *

first time. Any guesses who’s *

gonna survive this one? Choose *

fast! *

The action STARTS again. The 400-pounder takes AINSLEY DOWN. *

Then turns and BELLY-SPLASHES Fred. *

5.

Tallahassee recovers from the shock, thinks fast, *

aggressively RAISES his SANDWICH CART ABOVE his HEAD, and *

SMASHES it over the zombie’s noggin. The zombie FALLS STILL. *

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

Maybe you woulda chosen the *

sandwich guy if you knew where this *

scene took place. Little state *

called Florida. *

Tallahassee stands tall and spies the BUSINESSMAN ZOMBIE *

approaching the broken window. *

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

Little town called... Tallahassee. *

Tallahassee picks up a broken piece of the cart, brandishes *

it like a weapon... and steps out the window to DO BATTLE. *

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

Welcome... to Zombieland. *

Marlo Thomas’s ‘Free to Be You and Me’ kicks off our CREDITS, *

over a whimsical world-is-falling-apart GRAPHIC SEQUENCE, *

which slowly forms the TITLE: Z-O-M-B-I-E-L-A-N-D *

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. INDUSTRIAL PARK - NIGHT *

Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 2 Months Later *

TALLAHASSEE, the ‘Which Sandy?’ polo swapped out for *

snakeskin jacket and tarp hat, SPRINTS toward camera in SLO-*

MO, a WAREHOUSE behind... *

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

Z-land is like a Greatest Hits

collection of nightmares. The only *

one they forgot to include is the *

one where I’m naked and unprepared *

for my final exam. My ‘friends’ *

and I, we’re among the few non-*

zombies left, thanks to a little *

list. *

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