Zombieland Page #2

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Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 1. Cardio

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

Cardio. Tops on my Rules for

Surviving Zombieland. Zombies lead

a very active lifestyle. So should

you.

6.

REGULAR SPEED. Tallahassee RUNS across a parking lot. His

tarp hat flies off as he dives over a berm. *

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

Never know when you’re gonna be

running for your life...

Tallahassee joins COLUMBUS, early 20’s, nerdy-handsome, *

afraid of his own shadow... *

...WICHITA, early 20’s, gorgeous, born con-woman... *

...and LITTLE ROCK, tweens, chip off her older sis’s block. *

In Tallahassee’s hand is a ZIPPO LIGHTER, still LIT. Behind

is the WAREHOUSE he was running from: ‘FREDO’s FIREWORKS.’

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

...or some other, almost-as-*

important reason. Here’s to *

enjoying the little things. *

A LIT FUSE curls up through a BROKEN WINDOW... and BOOM! The

whole BUILDING GOES UP in an AMAZING DISPLAY of FIREWORKS!

TALLAHASSEE:

Happy 4th, mi familia!

WICHITA:

(whispers to Columbus)

Who’s telling him it’s mid June? *

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

Why ruin the moment? It’s not *

often you get quality time with the

family. And by ‘family,’ I mean 4

people who could not be more

different, thrown together by

circumstances that could not be

more difficult. I’m Columbus. Not

my real name. In Zombieland, we go

by the cities we’re from. It was *

Tallahassee’s idea. Keeps us from *

getting too attached. *

The camera moves down the faces of our ‘family,’ ENJOYING the

DISPLAY, a slice of life as it once was. BOOM! BOOM!

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

Might’ve worked too well with *

Wichita. I mean, I love her, but *

she’s put up more walls than a *

North Korean chain gang. *

(MORE)

7.

COLUMBUS (V.O.) (CONT'D)

That’s her kid-sister Little Rock -*

after all she’s seen, tough to call *

her a ‘kid.’ And finally, the *

Floridian himself - a zombie-*

killing, us-annoying legend. *

TALLAHASSEE *

Ssh. This could be the big finale. *

An awe-inspiring FINISH. The dust settles. Tallahassee

APPLAUDS by his lonesome, his claps ECHOING.

TALLAHASSEE:

Perfect.

LITTLE ROCK:

I dunno. It was missing something.

TALLAHASSEE:

It’s George Washington’s birthday!

Our teeth are red-white-and-blue *

from eating Bullet Pops! I just

blew up an entire fireworks

factory! What could possibly be

missing?

COLUMBUS:

(to Wichita, sotto voce)

Are we letting the ‘George

Washington’s birthday’ thing go?

WICHITA:

(to Columbus, sotto voce)

Maybe he was born on June 17th.

TALLAHASSEE:

Answer me! What was missing?!

LITTLE ROCK:

Can’t you hear?

Tallahassee strains to hear. He’s rewarded with NOTHING but *

VAST, ENCOMPASSING SILENCE. Columbus abruptly REALIZES:

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

All of a sudden, I knew. It wasn’t

what we could hear. It was what we

couldn’t.

Everyone gazes out over an empty STREET. An empty CITY.

8.

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

The oohs and aahs of a crowd. The

laughter of friends. The chatter

of children...

COLUMBUS:

What good is fun? If there’s no

one to share it with.

LITTLE ROCK:

People.

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

WICHITA marches angrily up a CITY STREET, past some rotting

CORPSES, followed by COLUMBUS, TALLAHASSEE, and LITTLE ROCK.

COLUMBUS:

I’m just saying, she’s right.

We’ve been wandering around, just

the 4 of us, for what, a month? We

need to think about our future.

Humanity’s future. And there is no *

future without people. *

WICHITA:

Yeah, well, we’ve got a saying.

(nudges Little Rock)

Tell him. Go on.

LITTLE ROCK:

(very reluctant)

People suck.

WICHITA:

People. Suck. What’s so great

about people? They’re responsible

for everything bad that’s ever

happened to anyone.

COLUMBUS:

That’s not true!

TALLAHASSEE:

He’s right! Shark attacks.

WICHITA:

Slavery. And World War 2. And...

LITTLE ROCK:

Head-lice.

9.

TALLAHASSEE:

I once had head-lice.

(frowns)

Though I got it from a girlfriend.

She was technically a person. *

(to Columbus and Little

Rock)

Sorry.

COLUMBUS:

That’s OK. We prefer you on her

side of the argument.

(to Wichita)

I know you’re skeptical. But you

know the saying. ‘It takes a

village!’

WICHITA:

And where are we finding this...

village?

Columbus has no answer. But TALLAHASSEE raises an eyebrow. *

INT. YUKON - NIGHT *

The FOURSOME finishes climbing into a BLACK CHEVY YUKON, *

Tallahassee’s ubiquitous number ‘3’ on the side. Tallahassee *

and Little Rock sit up front, Wichita and Columbus in back. *

Tallahassee reaches UP and hits the ON-STAR button (GM’s *

roadside service). After two rings, a sassy, young AFRICAN-*

AMERICAN WOMAN’S VOICE comes over the car SPEAKERS. *

DETROIT (O.S.) *

On-Star, how can I help you... *

TALLAHASSEE *

Detroit! Tallahassee! *

DETROIT (O.S.) *

Tally, sweetheart! Praise Jesus. *

Been worried about you guys! You *

don’t call, you don’t write! How *

ya doing? *

TALLAHASSEE *

Better now. You float my boat, *

beautiful... *

DETROIT (O.S.) *

Quit. *

10.

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

By way of introduction, meet *

Detroit. The ex-On-Star operator *

who wasn’t about to let a few flesh-*

eaters force her into retirement. *

Now she’s the Guardian Angel of *

Zombieland. Our eye in the sky. *

DETROIT (O.S.)

How can I help?

TALLAHASSEE *

We were hoping you might be able to *

lead us to other survivors. *

DETROIT (O.S.) *

Lonely, eh? Well... rumor has it *

there’s a big, safe community on *

the eastern seaboard... *

LITTLE ROCK *

See?! *

COLUMBUS *

Be real nice to put down roots. *

Call someplace-*

LITTLE ROCK *

Home. *

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

The magic word. Ever since I lost *

a family, and found one, all I’ve *

ever wanted to be... to feel... is *

home. *

WICHITA *

Where we come from, home’s a four-*

letter word. You wanna cross the *

country for some ‘community’ you *

know nothing about? That’s the *

kind of stupid you have rules for. *

TALLAHASSEE *

(to Little Rock) *

For just this once, your big sis *

may be right. The east coast is *

3,000 miles away-ish. With a lot *

of mindless meat-lovers in between. *

Little Rock and Columbus look defeated. Then an idea quickly *

rekindles his enthusiasm. *

11.

COLUMBUS *

Maybe we don’t have to find a *

village. We can found a village. *

Y’know, start it up. Gather our *

own people. *

LITTLE ROCK *

(nods) *

Pick our own leader! *

TALLAHASSEE *

Even give the place a name! *

‘Tallahassee.’ *

WICHITA *

We already need a new leader. *

LITTLE ROCK *

But why couldn’t we start a *

community? *

COLUMBUS *

We found Bill Murray, didn’t we? *

Bad example. *

DETROIT (O.S.) *

Survivors are few and far between. *

But they’re out there. Here we go-*

Wilshire east. Then left to 135 *

North Grand. Good luck. God *

bless. *

(beat) *

And thank you for using On-Star. *

(CLICK) *

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