Zombieland Page #3

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Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 33. Keep Hope Alive. *

TALLAHASSEE *

Does she sound hot to you? *

COLUMBUS *

People in the telecommunications *

industry usually are. *

TALLAHASSEE *

She’s got a sister... *

Tallahassee starts the truck and pulls away from the curb. *

LITTLE ROCK *

(to Wichita) *

3 against 1. *

12.

WICHITA *

Whatever. *

Columbus reaches for Wichita’s hand. She pulls it away. *

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

I know what you’re thinking: these *

two lovebirds should be busy *

repopulating earth. Like Adam and *

Eve. Or Sarah Connor and Kyle *

Reese. Problem is, Wichita and I *

broke up... *

EXT. BEACH - DAY - FLASHBACK

WICHITA walks out of the ocean, slamming in a one-piece.

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

...a couple weeks ago.

COLUMBUS is lying on a towel, reading a BOOK, which he subtly

puts away as she approaches.

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

In the movies, a first kiss means

happily ever after. But in real

life, a first kiss is only a first

kiss. The beginning of a

relationship. In this case, a

relationship between two people who

epically suck at relationships.

The trouble started like this...

Wichita sits down on her towel... SNATCHES the BOOK. Stares:

WICHITA:

‘Rookie Dad:
Adventures in

Fatherhood’?

COLUMBUS:

No, no! It’s not what you think!

I don’t want to be an actual

father. Not yet. I’m just trying *

to relate to Little Rock. *

WICHITA:

OK. Um. She’s not your daughter.

COLUMBUS:

I guess more like sister-in-law.

WICHITA:

Nope.

13.

COLUMBUS:

Girlfriend’s sister?

WICHITA:

Hadn’t discussed the G-word.

COLUMBUS:

We are dating, right?

WICHITA:

Dating. Right.

She smiles to put him at ease. But awfully NERVOUSLY. He

takes her hand. She doesn’t entirely fight it.

COLUMBUS:

It occurs to me. We know each *

other... but we don’t really know *

each other. Stuff like... what *

would be your favorite place to

honeymoon? Sorry! Something

lighter. Who was your 1st grade

teacher? OK. What’s your favorite

bottled water?

(off Wichita’s stare)

Another time.

EXT. IKEA SHOWROOM FLOOR - DAY - FLASHBACK

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

And the trouble ended, not long

after, like this...

Our GUYS are camped out in an IKEA SHOWROOM, enjoying

different ‘rooms.’ LITTLE ROCK swings in a hammock, scarfing *

a plate of SWEDISH MEATBALLS. COLUMBUS PLOPS down on a SOFA *

next to WICHITA and hands her a PIECE of PAPER. She reads:

WICHITA:

What are these?

COLUMBUS:

Clues.

WICHITA:

(reads)

My honey. My sweetie. Look for

the ‘X’ right under your feetie.

(beat, trying hard to act

pleasantly surprised)

A scavenger... hunt?

14.

CUT TO a MONTAGE of WICHITA uncomfortably ‘hunting.’

Flipping over pillows. Kicking over trash-cans. Columbus *

watches. At the end of the hunt, there’s a FANCY ENVELOPE. *

Wichita pulls out the card and acts excited. *

WICHITA *

A... poem! *

(scans) *

You rhymed ‘yearning’ with... *

‘burning.’ *

(panicky)

That’s incredibly nice. I’m so...

(goes to say ‘touched’)

...sorry. Really, really sorry.

COLUMBUS:

Oh, man. Are you..?

WICHITA:

Slowing this down. Way down.

COLUMBUS:

But Krista...

WICHITA:

(winces)

Cool if we go back to Wichita?

COLUMBUS:

You’re revoking my Krista *

privileges?! Be honest. Is there *

anyone else? *

Wichita and Columbus look over at the anyone else:

TALLAHASSEE. He’s writhing around on a fake BEARSKIN RUG,

wrestling to get his JEANS on OVER his BOOTS.

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

So you see, Wichita and I had *

already slowed it down. Way down. *

Maybe it was a good thing. This *

family’s plenty dysfunctional. *

EXT. AHMANSON THEATER - DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - MORNING

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

Maybe that’s why we need new, uh, *

blood... *

Our HEROES stand downtown, BLINDED by the GLITTERY glass of

the L.A. LANDMARK. Suddenly, TALLAHASSEE spies MOVEMENT.

It’s the REFLECTION of a ZOMBIE running from behind!

15.

Tallahassee nonchalantly draws his WINCHESTER RANDALL, swings

it until it’s upside-down, pointing BACKWARD over his

shoulder, and FIRES. The zombie DROPS in a spray of BLOOD. *

Alerted by the noise, a BEARDED MAN in WINDOW-WASHING GEAR

appears on the ROOF of the Ahmanson, where he’s been taking

clothes off a makeshift CLOTHESLINE. He waves excitedly.

WINDOW WASHER:

Morning!

TALLAHASSEE:

Morning! Could use some company!

Join us?!

WINDOW WASHER:

Marvelous!

The man disappears, then reappears with a SUITCASE and climbs

onto a WINDOW WASHING PLATFORM. He uses the ROPE/PULLEY to

LOWER the platform - and himself - toward the street.

COLUMBUS:

It is marvelous. Remember this

day. As the start of something

truly special.

Wichita ROLLS her EYES. The man is passing a row of windows

when WITHOUT WARNING...

...a ZOMBIE SMASHES THROUGH the glass and TACKLES him. The

pair SPLATS on the street. Our heroes STARE, STUNNED. *

TALLAHASSEE *

F***. Me. *

WICHITA:

I’ll remember it alright.

END OF ACT ONE:

16.

ACT TWO:

EXT. GAS STATION - DAY *

COLUMBUS loads his GUN next to a GAS STATION BATHROOM. *

TALLAHASSEE exits the bathroom, waving the air with his hand. *

TALLAHASSEE:

Talk about post-apocalypse.

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

Funny thing, the post-apocalypse.

Not funny - haha. Funny - we just

watched a man die, but we’ve

already moved on. Bottom line, you

can’t let things get to you. Rule

#41:

Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 41. Everybody Dies

Sometime.

Tallahassee and Columbus walk back toward the YUKON, which is

PARKED 100 yards down the street.

TALLAHASSEE:

Y’know, I do all my best thinking

with my pants around my ankles.

COLUMBUS:

You don’t say.

TALLAHASSEE:

And it just occurred to me.

(beat, we expect something

important)

Why was every Steven Seagal movie 3

words?

(imaginary marquee)

Steven Seagal in... ‘Marked For

Death’... ‘Out for Justice’...

‘Above the Law.’

COLUMBUS:

‘Hungry For Lunch.’

(beat)

‘Lather Rinse Repeat.’

TALLAHASSEE:

‘Keep Off Grass.’

The two laugh as they keep it up:

17.

COLUMBUS:

‘Now With Calcium.’

TALLAHASSEE:

‘May Cause Diarrhea.’

COLUMBUS:

‘Dry Clean Only.’

TALLAHASSEE:

‘No Free Refills.’

COLUMBUS:

(beat, STOPS WALKING)

‘Crazy Stupid Love.’

Tallahassee stops, follows Columbus’s gaze to the YUKON, 50

yards ahead. WICHITA is LYING on the HOOD, SUN-BATHING.

TALLAHASSEE:

A-ha! I just figured it out! Why *

you keep wearing that sad bunny *

face! *

COLUMBUS:

I thought you did your best

thinking with your pants around

your ankles.

TALLAHASSEE:

I was occupied with the Seagal *

thing. The point is, you’re upset *

‘cause you still wanna back up that *

ba-dunka-dunk. *

COLUMBUS:

Ba-what-a-what?

TALLAHASSEE:

No one likes getting thrown out at *

home. But be patient, sad bunny. *

She likes you. No idea why, but *

she does. You’ll get another at *

bat. Wait and see.

COLUMBUS:

In the immortal words of Wichita.

Whatever.

TALLAHASSEE:

I can’t stand seeing you like this.

Which is why I’m gonna teach you

something to do whenever you feel

low.

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