Zombieland Page #4

---

18.

COLUMBUS:

Here we go.

The two start WALKING AGAIN.

TALLAHASSEE:

I want you to picture you’ve been

dead a long time. And God comes to

you. And says, son. I’m gonna let

you go back down to earth and live.

For 5 minutes. But only 5.

COLUMBUS:

Uh-huh?

TALLAHASSEE:

Then picture those 5 minutes... are

right. Now.

Tallahassee closes his eyes and feels the SUN and BREEZE on

his face. Life is good.

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

It’s hard to take advice from a guy

who asks for a price check at the

99 cent store. But he may be onto

something.

Columbus drinks in the sight of WICHITA. *

EXT. BRIDGE - DAY

A view THROUGH BINOCULARS of a LONG, TALL BRIDGE spanning a

CONCRETE CANAL. Burned VEHICLES litter the bridge.

DETROIT’s VOICE comes over car speakers:

DETROIT (O.S.)

That should be her. Better luck!

The binocs’ view falls on a CAMPSITE near the MIDDLE of the

bridge, complete with TENT and rolling HOT DOG CART. *

We reverse angle to see TALLAHASSEE behind the WHEEL of the

YUKON, holding the binocs. He lowers them. Grins.

TALLAHASSEE:

Take two.

EXT. BRIDGE - DAY

Our HEROES walk down the bridge toward the tent.

19.

WICHITA:

Girl Scout cookies!

ZIP! The tent door opens from the inside. A GIANT (250

poundish) FRECKLED WOMAN with an UZI peeks out, SMILES.

WOMAN:

I’m a sucker for Thank You Berry

Munches.

EXT. BRIDGE - MINUTES LATER

Our newly minted FIVESOME walks back down the bridge. *

LITTLE ROCK:

(ruh-GEEN-uh)

Regina?

REGINA:

Regina. Like vagina. With an R.

TALLAHASSEE:

For real?! Vagina. *

(giggles) *

WICHITA *

Over-under on how many times he *

says the word vagina? *

COLUMBUS (V.O.) *

That counted as 1. Those of you at *

home, feel free to play along! *

A ‘1’ is superimposed on-screen. *

COLUMBUS *

(to Regina) *

We can’t tell you how happy we are.

REGINA:

And about to get happier. Taste my

boysenberry pie. *

Regina hands Columbus a PIE TIN. Everyone PARTAKES. It’s the *

BEST THING they’ve EVER PUT in their MOUTHS. Within moments, *

everyone has purple lips and teeth. *

WICHITA:

Omigod. Omigod.

COLUMBUS:

Whoa.

20.

LITTLE ROCK:

Shut up.

TALLAHASSEE:

(happy little whimpering)

Never been a food worth eating that *

didn’t make your teeth a different *

color. Welcome to the family, *

Vagina with an R!

Every time Tallahassee says ‘vagina,’ he pronounces it a *

little differently (hard ‘g,’ french accent, etc.). A ‘2’ is *

superimposed on-screen. *

Regina walks slower than the rest, and with every step, gets

further BEHIND. They fail to notice, continuing to TALK:

TALLAHASSEE:

You’re one of us now. And

membership has its privileges.

Columbus here’s got these rules for

surviving Zombieland. Kinda *

vagina, but absolutely foolproof. *

(the ‘2’ rolls over, *

becoming a ‘3’) *

Then there’s Little Rock. She’s a *

dead-eye with that rifle. *

The group walks toward camera in wide-shot. Regina is nearly

20 feet behind...

...when a ZOMBIE SPRINTS into frame from right to left,

TACKLING her OVER the RAILING and OFF the BRIDGE. No one

hears at first. They keep right on WALKING.

TALLAHASSEE *

And me? My picture’s up at the *

zombie post office. Long as you’re *

with us, we got your back. *

Our heroes walk a couple more paces. Then frown. STOP. And

tentatively, cringingly TURN AROUND. Tallahassee slow-burns.

TALLAHASSEE:

Could use an anger lap.

EXT. BRIDGE - MOMENTS LATER

We look UP at our HEROES as they PEER OVER the side of the

bridge, APPALLED. Everyone still has purple lips and teeth. *

21.

WICHITA:

You can’t help but think. How

quick it can all end.

Tallahassee and Little Rock EXIT FRAME. Wichita looks

Columbus in the eye:

WICHITA:

With... unfinished business.

COLUMBUS:

(hopes suddenly up)

Really?

WICHITA:

(nods)

What did you do with the pie?

Hey. She took a number. God

called it. There was nothing we

could do. Pie?

COLUMBUS:

(rolls his eyes)

Rule #19 for surviving Zombieland.

Columbus opens his backpack and holds up a ZIPLOC BAG with

the remainder of the PIE inside.

COLUMBUS:

Ziploc Bags.

Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 19. Ziploc Bags.

WICHITA *

Thank you berry much. *

INT. YUKON - DAY

Our HEROES are back in the YUKON, weaving through DOWNTOWN

L.A. on the hunt for another community member.

TALLAHASSEE:

(to Little Rock)

This may be news. But there was *

actually life before Y2K. Ms. Pac

Man kinda looked like Pac Man in

drag. She had red lipstick. And

mascara. And a bow in her hair.

COLUMBUS:

She had hair?

22.

TALLAHASSEE:

Actually, you’re right. She was

bald. They were both bald.

COLUMBUS:

And she had a mole on her cheek.

TALLAHASSEE:

A big facial mole. Right there.

And she and Pac Man would just go

around and eat. All they’d do was

eat. ‘Til they met each other.

COLUMBUS:

And then they kissed.

TALLAHASSEE:

So picture a yellow bald guy

stuffing his cheeks, and then

macking out with another yellow

bald guy.

COLUMBUS:

With a big mole on his face.

TALLAHASSEE:

In drag.

LITTLE ROCK:

I’m sorry I missed that.

WICHITA:

If Detroit’s right... that’s the

place.

EXT. UNFINISHED BUILDING - CENTURY CITY - DAY

Our HEROES are now parked by an UNFINISHED 10-story LUXURY

CONDO BUILDING overlooking the L.A. COUNTRY CLUB - floors in

place, but no exterior walls. Tallahassee WAVES skyward.

TALLAHASSEE:

I’m Tallahassee! This is Columbus,

Little Rock, and Wichita!

A TALL, NERDY MAN WAVES back down from about 6 stories up.

MAN:

Eugene!

(grins)

Oregon! Be right down!

TALLAHASSEE:

No! Stop. We’re coming to you!

23.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ELEVATOR - DAY

TALLAHASSEE, WICHITA, COLUMBUS, and LITTLE ROCK ride an open-

air, heavy-duty CONSTRUCTION ELEVATOR UP to the 6th floor.

TALLAHASSEE:

Listen up, dammit. Eugene... is

the president. We... are the

secret service. I’ll take a bullet

if I have to... taste his food...

lay down my life. But he is not.

Dying. On our watch.

COLUMBUS:

Understood.

Little Rock nods, all business. But Wichita doesn’t look

nearly as concerned. Tallahassee and Columbus notice.

WICHITA:

Understood. What!

INT. UNFINISHED BUILDING - DAY

We’re now on the unfinished 6TH FLOOR of the condo building.

Temporary wood floors. Open walls. Etc. EUGENE finishes

zipping up his DUFFEL BAGS and slings one over each SHOULDER.

EUGENE:

So fired up. Some folks to play *

Boggle with! It’s lonely. You get *

to thinking, if something happens *

to me. No one’s even gonna know. *

TALLAHASSEE *

Hey, don’t go all vagina. *

(a ‘4’ is superimposed on-*

screen) *

Nothing’s happening to you. Trust *

us. *

TALLAHASSEE tentatively takes the lead. The others subtly,

awkwardly form a PROTECTIVE CIRCLE around EUGENE, GUNS DRAWN.

Eugene finds this a little ODD. Everyone BEAMS fake SMILES

at him. The FIVESOME slowly crosses toward the ELEVATOR.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes