Zombieland Page #5

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TALLAHASSEE:

You’re one of us now, Eugene. And

membership has its privileges.

Tell him what he’s won, Columbus.

24.

COLUMBUS:

Yes. I have these rules for

surviving Zombieland. Very handy.

One might even say foolproof...

FROM NOWHERE, a SNARLING CONSTRUCTION WORKER ZOMBIE (complete

with hard hat) DROPS DOWN INTO FRAME from the open floor

ABOVE and TRIES to LAND on EUGENE’s BACK...

...only to lose its GRIP. The zombie BREAKS THROUGH the

temporary wooden floor and SMASHES down through MULTIPLE

floors, all the way to concrete...

...leaving Eugene UNSCATHED. His HEELS protrude over the

edge of the hole behind him. A BEAT of silence and RELIEF.

EUGENE:

Whew.

Suddenly, the EDGE of the damaged floor GIVES WAY, and Eugene

PLUMMETS after the ZOMBIE to his death.

We look UP through the hole from BELOW as... one new head at

a time... our four heroes PEER down into the abyss.

TALLAHASSEE closes his eyes. Then throws an ANGRY TANTRUM,

PUNCHING and KICKING the air.

TALLAHASSEE:

We’re cursed! Like we picked up

Bobby Brady’s ass-reaming Tiki *

idol!

(to Little Rock)

Do not say who’s Bobby Brady!

Wichita chokes down a nasally trace of a GIGGLE. *

COLUMBUS:

Not funny.

WICHITA:

The tiniest bit funny.

Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 41. Everybody Dies

Sometime.

The Sometime drops away, replaced by: Every Time. *

END OF ACT TWO:

25.

ACT THREE:

EXT. R.V. PARK - DAY

DETROIT (O.S.)

Destination’s on the right. And

thank you for using On-Star.

Our HEROES drive through an abandoned R.V. Park, headed for a

really big, cool MOTOR HOME. TALLAHASSEE looks out of sorts.

COLUMBUS:

What’s wrong? This is supposed to

be a very sweet old couple.

WICHITA:

And slow and weak. Someone we can

outrun when we get attacked. Hey,

it worked with the other 3.

TALLAHASSEE:

It’s not that. It’s just... this

is the first time I’ve been to an

R.V. Park since - since - fall of

‘99. Just outside Flagstaff. Me

and the little lady were getting

our Grand Canyon on. We stopped my

‘Bago at the Oceanview R.V. Park...

LITTLE ROCK:

‘Oceanview?’

TALLAHASSEE:

That’s what I said! So we pull in,

and who parks next to us? None

other than Matthew McConaughey...

in his I’ve-got-a-bigger-wang-thanyou

Airstream.

LITTLE ROCK:

The Matthew McConaughey?

TALLAHASSEE:

We found one you recognize!

WICHITA:

Tell me he was shirtless.

TALLAHASSEE:

I’m getting there. So, dude wedges

his R.V. next to mine. Cheek to

cheek, windows this close. And

proceeds to spend 9 consecutive

hours... balls-to-the-floor naked.

26.

LITTLE ROCK:

Uh, I’m 11.

TALLAHASSEE:

That wouldn’t have stopped

‘Hollywood.’ 9 straight hours. *

Fixing his satellite dish? Naked.

Making waffles? Naked. Late

afternoon f***ing Zumba? Naked. *

You imagine what that was like?

WICHITA:

I’m gonna try.

TALLAHASSEE:

Like you, my little lady was

enjoying this. Practically sliding

off her seat. So I man up. Open

the window. And say: Would it

kill a guy to put on a stitch or

two in front of another man’s

woman?

COLUMBUS:

And..?

TALLAHASSEE:

Dude hands me a hundred dollar

bill, says, ‘you’re welcome.’ Next

morning, Airstream’s gone. And

there, on my driver’s side window?

An imprint of ass-cheeks. What’s

worse, the so-called

environmentalist’s left 6 inches of

sewage water under my front steps.

Don’t go barefoot around R.V.’s. I

never forgave the son-of-a-b*tch.

INT. R.V. - DAY

We’re INSIDE the QUAINTLY DECORATED MOTOR HOME when we hear

KNOCKING. The side door OPENS from the outside, revealing

TALLAHASSEE, COLUMBUS, LITTLE ROCK, and WICHITA, guns drawn.

TALLAHASSEE:

Anybody home?

(shrugs)

Probably making a Metamucil run.

TIME CUT TO:

Our HEROES exploring the MOTOR HOME. There’s a wall of

PHOTOS.

27.

At the center is a HUGE PORTRAIT of the SWEETEST OLD COUPLE:

2 adorable frost-tops, arm-in-arm, posing for a warm JC-

Penney-style picture. A bronze label on the portrait reads:

COLUMBUS:

Bubbie...

(the ‘u’ sounds like the ‘u’ in

sugar)

TALLAHASSEE:

...and Pee-Paw.

WICHITA:

(genuinely touched)

Aww.

Columbus looks at Wichita WISTFULLY. It’s cool to see her

moved by something emotional.

The other pics show Bubbie and Pee-Paw surrounded by adoring

GRANDCHILDREN... wearing ‘I ‘HEART’ Bubbie’ and ‘I ‘HEART’

Pee-Paw’ t-shirts. B&P push little kids on swings, blow out

birthday candles, frolic, etc.

LITTLE ROCK:

Omigod. They’re, like, sooo cute.

TALLAHASSEE:

Gotta admit, it’s touching. God

bless the ‘Greatest Generation.’

COLUMBUS:

They remind me of Nana and Zayde.

TALLAHASSEE:

And Granmoo and Gampoo.

LITTLE ROCK AND WICHITA

(share a warm look,

interlocking arms)

And Gray-gray and Muffer.

TALLAHASSEE:

‘Gray-gray and Muffer?’

LITTLE ROCK:

‘Granmoo and Gampoo?’

COLUMBUS:

The point is, everyone had their

grandfather and grandmother... and

now they’re gone.

WICHITA:

Kinda bringing down the room.

28.

LITTLE ROCK:

I can’t wait to meet Bubbie and

Poopie.

COLUMBUS:

(corrects)

Pee-Paw.

LITTLE ROCK:

Right.

TALLAHASSEE:

(wipes misty eyes, covers)

Little dusty in here.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

COLUMBUS opens the door to the BEDROOM and sees a big BED,

upon which sit TWO HEART-SHAPED PILLOWS, one with a picture

of Bubbie’s smiling face, the other with Pee-Paw’s. He

SMILES and walks past, NARROWLY MISSING...

...an OLD PERSON’s HAND protruding from UNDER the BED.

Columbus reaches the MASTER BATH, peeks inside, then rests

his SHOTGUN against the wall outside the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

One thing about Zombieland. You

can never feel clean enough.

COLUMBUS washes his face in the BATHROOM, then reaches for

two TOWELS, one with an embroidered ‘B,’ one with a ‘P.’ He

pulls off the ‘P’ towel, dries his face. When he goes to

replace the towel on the rack, it SLIDES off onto the floor.

He kneels to GRAB it when he SENSES SOMETHING, then raises

his head to find himself staring out the bathroom at TWO

FEET. We TILT from TOE to HEAD to REVEAL...

...BUBBIE, standing by the bed. She sports a BATHROBE with a

big ‘B’ on the chest. She’s the cute old woman from the

picture, only RECENTLY ZOMBIEFIED.

COLUMBUS:

B-bubbie?

Another ZOMBIE stands up from BEHIND the BED... an OLD MAN in

a bathrobe with ‘P’ on the chest. Yes...

COLUMBUS:

Paw-Pee? Sorry, Pee-Paw?!

29.

INT. MAIN ROOM - DAY

TALLAHASSEE is visible OUTSIDE the R.V.’s windshield,

CLEANING it with PAPER TOWELS and WINDEX. LITTLE ROCK opens

a CUPBOARD and pulls down ‘World’s Best Grandma’ and ‘World’s

Best Grandpa’ COFFEE MUGS. Hands one to WICHITA.

WICHITA:

(means it)

So precious...

INT. BATHROOM / BEDROOM / MAIN ROOM - DAY

COLUMBUS stands up in the bathroom. His shotgun leans

against the bedroom wall outside, out of reach. He faces

down BUBBIE and PEE-PAW. Pee-Paw has an almost gentle look.

COLUMBUS:

C-can you guys can still hear me?

If so, you should know. My Nana

once mistakenly wrote me a birthday

check for ten thousand dollars.

And I did not cash it.

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