Zombieland Page #6

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Bubbie sweetly reaches out. But then... her fingers clench

MENACINGLY. BOTH she and PEE-PAW widen their EYES and SCREAM

BLOODY MURDER, the most terrifying WAILS ever.

Columbus SCREAMS himself... and BUBBIE and PEE-PAW ATTACK!

These two are hardly frail old things. In fact, they’re the

baddest-of-bad zombies. Total Terminators.

Columbus dives for his SHOTGUN, but TRIPS on the WET TOWEL

and FACE-PLANTS. B&P land on Columbus and WRESTLE with him.

He kicks them off, but they still LOOM OVER HIM when...

...CRASH! One of the COFFEE MUGS SMASHES into the back of

Pee-Paw’s head... thrown by WICHITA. He DROPS.

Little Rock throws the SECOND MUG - BASH! - into Bubbie’s

head. Bubbie, too, drops.

WICHITA:

Not as cute as Gray-Gray and

Muffer.

Columbus bounces up and tries to STEP OVER B&P, when... PeePaw’s

EYES OPEN, and he GRABS Columbus’s SHOE.

Columbus pulls away, but his shoe POPS OFF at the HEEL. He

tries to stomp it back on.

30.

Like lightning, B&P scramble to their feet. Wichita and

Little Rock RUN toward the front of the R.V., Columbus hop-

stomping behind them. He KICKS OFF his shoe.

Bubbie and Pee-Paw LUNGE. Columbus, Wichita, and Little Rock

go down in a DOG-PILE. Everyone ROLLS AROUND in MID-GRAPPLE.

BUBBIE is about to BITE Little Rock’s neck. Columbus and

Wichita SEE this. Columbus heroically DIVES BETWEEN Little

Rock and Bubbie. Bubbie BITES HIS NECK INSTEAD.

Bubbie pulls back, and her DENTURES come out, clamped

harmlessly onto Columbus’s shirt collar. Little Rock grabs

B&P’s PORTRAIT off the wall and SMASHES it over Bubbie’s

head. It remains there like a necklace.

Pee-Paw grabs Wichita by the HAIR. So she grabs HIM by the

HAIR... only it comes right off - a TOUPEE! Wichita, too, is

in trouble. Columbus DIVES and KNOCKS Pee-Paw off, when:

TALLAHASSEE (O.S.)

Pee-Paw! Bambi!

B&P look up to see the INTIMIDATING FIGURE of TALLAHASSEE

standing tall inside the door: world’s finest ZOMBIE-KILLER.

COLUMBUS:

Bubbie.

TALLAHASSEE:

Right. I love you two old birds.

Don’t make me do this.

ANGLE ON:
A METAL TIRE-JACK in Tallahassee’s HAND. Pee-Paw

abandons Wichita. Bubbie abandons Little Rock. They step

toward Tallahassee aggressively.

TALLAHASSEE:

(genuinely upset)

Please!

Pee-Paw BELLOWS and SPRINTS at Tallahassee. Bubbie, too.

TALLAHASSEE:

Fine, you get the horns.

Tallahassee SWINGS from his HEELS with the TIRE-JACK, like

BABE RUTH, or PAUL BUNYON, beating the living sh*t out of

these blue-hairs. It’s AWESOME to behold.

TALLAHASSEE:

(anguished)

I’m very!

(BAM!)

(MORE)

31.

TALLAHASSEE (CONT'D)

Very!

(BAM!)

Sorry!

(BAM!)

B&P lie STILL on the floor. Tallahassee, chest heaving, bows

his head in sorrow... and BRUSHES BUBBIE’s HAIR OVER HER EAR.

TALLAHASSEE:

They were too good for this world.

LITTLE ROCK:

There are 2 more angels in heaven.

But as Tallahassee TURNS, B&P’s eyes OPEN.

COLUMBUS:

(points frantically)

Pee-Paw and Boobie!

LITTLE ROCK:

(corrects him)

Bubbie!

COLUMBUS:

Right!

TALLAHASSEE:

(irritated)

Seriously?

EXT. R.V. PARK - DAY

We’re OUTSIDE the R.V. for a quiet beat. Suddenly... SMASH!

PEE-PAW flies THROUGH the FRONT WINDSHIELD onto the pavement.

A beat. BUBBIE soars after him. THUNK.

TALLAHASSEE (O.S.)

Why me?!

INT. R.V. - DAY

The OTHERS watch TALLAHASSEE START up the R.V. and RUN BUBBIE

and PEE-PAW OVER. SQUISH. They go under the FRONT wheels.

TALLAHASSEE:

Wait for it.

A long pause. Then SQUISH. The BACK wheels. Tallahassee

engages reverse. SQUISH... they go under the back wheels

again. A long PAUSE. And SQUISH. The FRONT wheels.

32.

Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 3. Double Tap.

TALLAHASSEE:

(bows head, a beat)

There’s nothing more romantic than

an old couple dying within a few

minutes of one another.

COLUMBUS:

That’s because you smashed their

heads in with a tire-changing jack.

WICHITA:

And ran them over with an R.V.

TALLAHASSEE:

(solemn)

I know.

(little smirk)

‘Zombie Kill of the Week?’

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

A close second, actually...

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. HILL - DAY

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

...to Sean Kerrigan of Elberta,

Michigan.

An ‘Indiana Jones’-esque THEME SONG kicks in as SEAN

KERRIGAN, a small-town hick, SHOVES against... ...one of

those big orange UNION 76 GAS STATION BALLS, poised at the

top of a HILL. The ball ROLLS down, picking up speed, on the

HEELS of a ZOMBIE, like Indiana Jones in ‘Raiders.’

Unlike Indiana, the ZOMBIE gets SQUASHED. Right in our LAP.

INT. R.V. BEDROOM - DAY

COLUMBUS walks back into the R.V. BEDROOM, where he collects

his SHOE, puts it back on his foot, stands, and TURNS...

...nearly BUMPING INTO WICHITA, who FOLLOWED him into the

bedroom. Her expression is one of GRATITUDE and ATTRACTION.

She REACHES as if to brush Columbus’s hair over his ear...

and instead REMOVES the DENTURES SNAGGED on his collar.

33.

COLUMBUS:

Thank you.

WICHITA:

Thank you.

(a long beat, sheepish)

Fiji.

COLUMBUS:

Favorite honeymoon?

WICHITA:

(smirks)

Bottled water.

We PUSH IN on Columbus, lit up with... HOPE.

Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 33. Keep Hope Alive.

INT. R.V. - SUNSET

The R.V. exits the park, a big ‘3’ on the side and a piece of

SEE-THRU PLASTIC DUCT-TAPED into a ‘windshield.’ TALLAHASSEE

drives. LITTLE ROCK sits in front. WICHITA and COLUMBUS

stand behind. DETROIT’s voice comes over the speakers.

DETROIT (O.S.)

Don’t say it.

TALLAHASSEE *

We’re still looking to meet that *

special someone. And we just *

ditched our vaginas back in *

Burbank... *

(a ‘5’ pops up) *

...so we’re ready to aim for that *

paradise on the eastern seaboard. *

A place to call home. *

DETROIT (O.S.) *

Tell ya what. You head east. I’ll *

find that place, get ‘em to leave *

the light on for you. Take care of *

your handsome selves. God bless. *

And thank you for using On-Star. *

CLICK. Our heroes smile. Look at one another... and then

slowly, one-by-one... BACK UP at the ON-STAR BUTTON.

LITTLE ROCK *

‘That special someone.’ *

34.

TALLAHASSEE:

You thinking what I’m thinking?

COLUMBUS *

Somewhere between us and the *

eastern seaboard. Lies the state *

of Michigan. *

TALLAHASSEE *

Hear it’s nice this time of year. *

Tallahassee smiles and steers the R.V. up a FREEWAY RAMP.

COLUMBUS:

Pie?

Columbus slides the pie tin out of the ZIPLOC BAG.

WICHITA:

Don’t mind if I do.

Everyone fights for PIE.

EXT./INT. FREEWAY/R.V. - SUNSET

A reprise of ‘Free to Be You and Me.’ The R.V. ZOOMS east. *

The camera travels from face to face of our HEROES, purple-*

lipped-and-teethed, happily savoring PIE and sharing LAUGHS. *

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

A semi-wise man once said: Picture

you’ve been dead a long time. And

God comes to you. And says, I’m

gonna let you go back down to earth

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