Zombieland
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2013
- 28 min
- 1,503 Views
AINSLEY (O.S.) *
First thing. Wake up. Keurig’s *
broken. *
FADE UP ON:
*Cubicles divide a sedate office. We’re on the FIRST FLOOR, *
looking through a huge PLATE GLASS WINDOW onto a PARKING LOT *
outside. Two pasty OFFICE WORKERS, AINSLEY and FRED, sit in *
FRONT of the window, BACKS to it, in the midst of a full-on *
white-collar American moan-and-groan. *
AINSLEY *
No coffee. Yeah. So I drive to *
Starbuck’s. ‘Cause I can’t *
function. I get out of the car. *
Phone flies off my lap onto the *
asphalt. Screen cracks. *
FRED *
Oh, man. *
AINSLEY *
I’m staring at the crack. Pissed *
as sh*t. ‘Cause I just got the new *
5S. And a new plan. *
FRED *
Take it back, tell them it came *
that way. They might replace it. *
If you find the right Genius. *
In the parking lot BEHIND Ainsley and Fred, a woman silently *
SPRINTS in HIGH HEELS toward her CAR, chased by a hungry *
ZOMBIE. Thus begins a marvelously intricate, chaotic, *
gruesome ACTION SCENE kicking off the zombie apocalypse. *
WE HAVE A FRONT ROW SEAT TO THE MADNESS OUTSIDE, BUT AINSLEY *
AND FRED HAVE THEIR BACKS TO IT, OBLIVIOUS AS THEY B*TCH. *
AINSLEY *
And of course what do I notice -*
this isn’t even part of the story -*
one of my apps is missing. The *
icon. From the home screen. *
Somehow I deleted it. *
FRED *
Butt-deleted. *
2.
The woman outside squirms into her car and slams the door. *
The zombie dives through the glass of the DRIVER’S WINDOW. *
Its legs dangle out the window. *
AINSLEY *
Butt-deleted. Yeah. Only I can’t *
remember which one’s gone, ‘cause *
it’s gone. And I won’t figure it *
out-*
FRED *
(nods) *
-’til you need to use it. I hate *
that. *
The woman PEELS OUT of her space. A truck speeds past, a *
BUSINESSMAN ZOMBIE hanging off its back bumper. The truck *
SMACKS the LEGS of the first ZOMBIE, RIPPING it IN HALF. *
The truck goes over a SPEED BUMP. The businessman zombie *
lets go, FACE-PLANTS, SKIDS across asphalt, notices the *
disembodied legs of the first zombie, and starts to EAT them. *
AINSLEY *
F***ing. Hate! So it gets better. *
I order at Starbuck’s. And they *
ask my name. No one ever hears my *
name right. Ainsley. No one ever *
gets that. So I say Jill. And he *
writes Jill on the cup. Only now *
my coffee’s ready. They call out *
Jill. I’ve forgotten I’m Jill! *
Which wouldn’t be a problem... *
FRED *
Lemme guess... *
A LANDSCAPER runs into frame with a JANITOR ZOMBIE on his *
heels. The landscaper is trying desperately to start a gas-*
powered double-bladed HEDGE TRIMMER. *
AINSLEY *
(nods) *
Another f***ing Jill. She walks *
off with my soy chai latte. And I *
end up with her whole milk whatever-*
the-f***. But of course I don’t *
realize it ‘til I’m back in the *
car, and I’m two thirds through the *
venti, thinking this tastes a *
little different. *
FRED *
Wait, aren’t you-? *
3.
The LANDSCAPER starts the HEDGE TRIMMER, turns, SWINGS, and *
HALF-DECAPITATES the JANITOR ZOMBIE. *
AINSLEY *
(nods) *
Lactose intolerant. And now I’ve *
finished a venti of cow’s milk. So *
I gotta pull into Walgreen’s for *
some Lactaid so I don’t get *
diarrhea. ‘Cause that’s what dairy *
gives me. Diarrhea. *
FRED *
Oh my freaking God. So-?! *
The businessman zombie abandons its meal and runs after the *
landscaper, who fails to extricate his hedge trimmer from the *
janitor zombie’s neck. The businessman zombie TACKLES the *
landscaper, who is IMPALED on the hedge trimmer. *
AINSLEY *
Still haven’t sh*t my pants. *
Genius of Lactaid. But day ain’t *
over yet. I know, I know. Hash-*
tag, ‘First-world problems.’ Some *
poor soul’s actually suffering out *
there... *
A MAN runs past the window ON FIRE, chased by a 400-POUND *
FEMALE ZOMBIE. *
FRED *
It’s OK to get irritated. You’re *
used to the life you’re used to. *
You’re allowed to get annoyed. Ah, *
lunch... *
TALLAHASSEE, 40’s, square-jawed, wearing khakis and a green *
polo shirt, ‘WHICH SANDY?’ embroidered onto the chest, pulls *
a SANDWICH CART up to the cubicles. He’s just as oblivious *
as Ainsley and Fred to the chaos outside. *
Tallahassee hands over 2 wrapped sandwiches, NAMES in MARKER. *
TALLAHASSEE *
‘Fred.’ ‘Aisley?’ ‘Ashley?’ ‘Ass-*
?’ *
AINSLEY *
It’s mine. *
The 400-pound zombie fails to catch the man on fire. It *
stops, catches its breath, and turns to look IN the WINDOW. *
4.
TALLAHASSEE *
Can I interest you in dessert? *
Ainsley shakes her head, reaches across her desk, and holds *
up a TWINKIE. *
AINSLEY *
Already hit the vending machine. *
(to Fred) *
On the Lactaid, figured why not a *
Twinkie. *
FRED *
Go, girl. *
The 400-pound zombie catches sight of the Twinkie, TURNS, and *
BEELINES for the PLATE GLASS WINDOW. *
TALLAHASSEE *
Mm! Can’t remember the last time I *
had a Twinkie! *
AINSLEY *
Shut the f*** up. Pickles in the *
tuna-fish?! *
Inspired by the tuna, the 400-pound zombie gets closer... *
TALLAHASSEE *
You don’t like pickles? *
AINSLEY *
Pickles make everything else taste *
like pickles. I specifically asked-*
(tosses sandwich down) *
Could this day possibly get any *
worse?! *
On cue, the 400-pounder SMASHES through the WINDOW... and we *
FREEZE FRAME. *
COLUMBUS (V.O.) *
Call me crazy, she may be about to *
get an answer to that question. *
You know what they say about zombie *
attacks. You always remember your *
first time. Any guesses who’s *
gonna survive this one? Choose *
fast! *
The action STARTS again. The 400-pounder takes AINSLEY DOWN. *
Then turns and BELLY-SPLASHES Fred. *
5.
Tallahassee recovers from the shock, thinks fast, *
aggressively RAISES his SANDWICH CART ABOVE his HEAD, and *
SMASHES it over the zombie’s noggin. The zombie FALLS STILL. *
COLUMBUS (V.O.) *
sandwich guy if you knew where this *
scene took place. Little state *
called Florida. *
Tallahassee stands tall and spies the BUSINESSMAN ZOMBIE *
approaching the broken window. *
COLUMBUS (V.O.) *
Little town called... Tallahassee. *
Tallahassee picks up a broken piece of the cart, brandishes *
it like a weapon... and steps out the window to DO BATTLE. *
COLUMBUS (V.O.) *
Welcome... to Zombieland. *
Marlo Thomas’s ‘Free to Be You and Me’ kicks off our CREDITS, *
over a whimsical world-is-falling-apart GRAPHIC SEQUENCE, *
which slowly forms the TITLE: Z-O-M-B-I-E-L-A-N-D *
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. INDUSTRIAL PARK - NIGHT *
Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 2 Months Later *
TALLAHASSEE, the ‘Which Sandy?’ polo swapped out for *
snakeskin jacket and tarp hat, SPRINTS toward camera in SLO-*
MO, a WAREHOUSE behind... *
COLUMBUS (V.O.)
Z-land is like a Greatest Hits
collection of nightmares. The only *
one they forgot to include is the *
one where I’m naked and unprepared *
for my final exam. My ‘friends’ *
and I, we’re among the few non-*
zombies left, thanks to a little *
list. *
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"Zombieland" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 8 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/zombieland_34>.
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