Zombieland Page #2

for a minute?

No, of course. Of course.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

Set aside the feverish,

homeless cannibal...

...l'm living the dream.

I had always, my whole life...

...wanted to brush a girl's hair

over her ear.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.

What are you doing?

Look, stay back, 406, okay?

I don't wanna hurt you, but...

Sh*t.

Oh, my God, I'm so f***ing sorry.

You see, you just can't trust anyone.

The first time I let a girl into my life

and she tries to eat me.

Please. Listen to me.

If you're in there...

...you're just sick. Okay?

That was my first brush

with the plague of the 21 st century.

Remember mad cow disease?

Well, mad cow became mad person

became mad zombie.

It's a fast-acting virus that left you

with a swollen brain, a raging fever...

...that made you hateful, violent...

...and gave you a really, really bad

case of the munchies.

All right, you steer, I'll push.

Okay.

I've heard there's a place

that's untouched by this crap.

- Back east, yeah?

- Yeah. You heard the same thing?

Out west, we hear it's back east.

Back east, they hear it's out west.

It's all just nonsense.

You know, you're like a penguin

on the North Pole...

...who hears the South Pole

is really nice this time of year.

There are no penguins

on the North Pole.

You wanna feel how hard

I can punch?

So, what do you think?

Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?

Last time you went 20 toes,

put Percy in the playpen?

Who's Percy?

Wallpapered the closet,

passed the gravy.

- Went heels to Jesus.

- Oh, made love.

Well, just sex.

Three weeks ago. Yeah.

In the back

of an abandoned FedEx truck.

- Shut up.

- No, no, I was headed east.

She, west.

And we took shelter

in the back of the truck.

- It was full of undelivered packages.

- What was her name?

Beverly.

Beverly Hills.

You dog.

So, what about you?

Me? I...

Aye, aye, aye.

Oh, my God. It makes you sick.

You know, it makes you sad,

it makes you...

It makes you think if you can go back

to the way things were right now...

...you know, you'd be...

You'd be out in the backyard,

you know, trying to catch fireflies.

And instead this.

- I mean, it makes you...

- Hungry.

I'm worried about you.

Look, whatever you have

waiting for you in Columbus...

...I promise you it ain't prettier than

our friend here enjoying her Manwich.

Tallahassee had a sick sense

of humor when it came to zombies.

Zombies aren't the most lovable

creatures, but he really hated them.

The only thing he was more

obsessed with than killing zombies...

...was finding a Twinkie.

Something about a Twinkie reminded

him of a time not so long ago...

...when things were simple

and not so f***ing psychotic.

It was like if he got a taste

of that comforting childhood treat...

...the world would become innocent,

and everything would return to normal.

What, are you prospecting?

Jesus Christ.

You are a dangerous man.

You're gonna risk our lives

for a Twinkie?

There is a box of Twinkies

in that grocery store.

Not just any box of Twinkies.

The last box of Twinkies that anyone

will enjoy in the whole universe.

Believe it or not,

Twinkies have an expiration date.

Someday very soon, life's little

Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.

Time to nut up or shut up.

When Tallahassee

goes Hulk on a zombie...

...he sets the standard

for not-to-be-f***ed-with.

No fear, nothing to lose.

What can I say? It's like...

It's like art.

You got a pretty mouth.

Don't swing, don't swing.

Swing.

- Thank you.

- You owe me.

Yeah.

You're incredible.

- I know.

- Yeah.

Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie.

Big Hoss.

Come here, big fella.

Just gonna take a little off the top.

Wow, these fellas

really let themselves go.

And they're so fat.

I think we should probably

just keep going.

All I could think of was,

what are the odds?

Another marriageable woman

to bring home to the folks.

Come quick.

Someone's ear is in danger

of having hair brushed over it.

Hey.

I'll catch up.

Rule number 22:

When in doubt, know your way out.

They're sisters.

The little one's been bitten.

Act normal. Try not to freak her out.

Yeah.

Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock.

So you did all this for a Twinkie?

No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of

like a Sancho Panza character.

Look, I don't think she has long.

Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows.

We're just looking for a way out.

No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl.

Don't talk about me like I'm not here.

Right, sorry.

Look, I know that you're really sick.

But your sister wants me to...

It's not her decision, okay? It's mine.

I made her promise.

We already said goodbye,

but we didn't have a gun.

- We don't know that there's no cure.

- You're just gutless!

Give him the gun.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'll do it.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

You need some help?

Now that you mention it...

...we'll take your weapons,

car keys, your ammunition.

- And if you've got it, sugarless gum.

- What the f***?

Wait, why are you guys doing this?

Better you make the mistake

of trusting us...

...than us make the mistake

of trusting you.

The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows

up, makes me feel like an idiot...

...steals my double-barrel and then

says I'm the one that can't be trusted.

Nice going, genius.

You're the one that gave her the gun.

Those guys were dumb.

Avoid the vanity mirror.

Relax, okay?

I just passed for a zombie.

- What I'd give for a shower...

- Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, okay?

Let's just get where we're going.

- So do you think it's true?

- Is what true?

You know, about Pacific Playland?

Totally zombie-free.

Only place west of Waco.

Trust me.

He's on one of these serious

Tour de France bikes...

You know, with, like,

the toeholds, right?

- and he's pedaling, and the zombie's

head is, like, caught in the gear.

You know, with the hair in the chain

just, like, going around.

Very cool.

But zombie kill of the week?

No, sir.

I saw this construction worker.

I sh*t you not...

...he is on a steamroller, and a zombie

goes down in front of him.

You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up

from the bottom?

- I always roll it up from the bottom.

- Well, the zombie's head is the cap.

Are you one of these guys that tries

to one-up everybody else's story?

No. I knew a guy way worse

at that than me.

All right, let's just try to find a car.

Which reminds me...

...I never had headaches like this

till your ass came onboard.

I mean, do what you want with a man,

but do not f*** with his Cadillac.

Hey, there's a nice minivan.

Oh, you know something?

That is nice.

That's a beautiful van.

Tallahassee believes you have to

blow off steam in Zombieland...

...or else you lose what's left

of your mind.

If it makes him happy and keeps him

from using that crowbar on me...

...then I say, "Hey, go ape sh*t."

I want my Caddy back!

Stupid little b*tches!

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