Zombieland Page #3

Oh, I think I pulled something.

Think the two of us are smart enough

to come up with a con like that?

You hesitated.

Is it better to be smart or lucky?

Look at what we got here.

Come on.

- That's nice.

- Smell the finger?

Yes.

Thank God for rednecks.

This is a really big truck...

...and these are really big guns.

Take your time.

You know, they say,

"He who seeks revenge...

...should remember

to dig two graves."

Right. Two graves. One for

the big chick, one for the little chick.

You are scary happy.

Come on, why don't we just forget

about those girls and head home?

Oh, you want to talk about home?

For me, home was a puppy

named Buck.

Cutest dog ever.

All those f***ing zombies.

I lost him.

And there ain't no getting him back,

so I'm looking for a new home.

Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping

in the Yellowstone River...

...or swinging from the chandeliers

in the Playboy Mansion...

...but today,

a Vortec six-f***ing-liter V8...

...a box full of hollow points,

and, Lord willing, a GD Twinkie.

Gotta enjoy the little things.

I hate to give credit to anyone

who looks like Yosemite Sam...

...but I'm writing it down.

Rule number 32:

Enjoy the little things.

Knowing them, it's a trap.

Wait here. Drive down if I signal.

You're not gonna shoot them,

are you?

Not unless they shoot at me.

Oh, let's hope they shoot at me.

Looks like they hoofed it.

Probably headed west.

Just drive slow,

keep your eyes peeled.

Sure.

- They're in the back, aren't they?

- Just me.

I'm really sorry.

She was like a crouching tiger.

You got taken hostage

by a 12-year-old?

Girls mature faster than boys. She's

way ahead of where I was at that age.

Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please.

Like you would ever use that thing.

Don't kill me with my own gun!

All those violent video games.

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

- Now honk your horn.

- What?

Honk it.

It's your sister, with my gun. Hello.

Bummer.

Now step away from the vehicle.

You get to ride shotgun.

I kind of like this girl.

She's not your typical hot,

stuck-up b*tch.

Even before Zombieland, Wichita was

running the table on guys like us.

- What are you looking for?

- My engagement ring.

I took it off to pump my gas,

and I thought that I put it in my purse...

...but it must've fallen out,

and I'm late for my flight and...

Well, listen, I'll find your ring,

and I'll FedEx it to you.

I'll give you a reward.

Don't be silly.

Three thousand dollars.

It's worth more than my car.

Just give me your number.

Yeah. I'll find it.

Yeah, I'll start looking for it

right now.

Because I got nothing else to do.

I was engaged once...

...but I'm single now.

Bye-bye.

Hope you make your flight.

No, but I know it's

around here somewhere.

She's on a plane,

that's the beauty of it.

Let me call you back.

Hey, you found my ring.

Thanks. I've been looking all over

for it.

- Your ring?

- Well, it's my friend's, you know.

- I'm gonna send it to her.

- Do I get a reward?

Forty, 60, 80, 400.

That's it. That's the whole register.

You made someone very happy.

You too.

Nice.

How many left?

Let me see.

Enough for us to get to California.

Someday, I want a ring this big.

For the low price of 30 bucks, sold.

It's amazing how far you can get

with some costume jewelry...

...and a cutthroat attitude.

I guess we're just lucky they didn't

leave us by the side of the road.

Thank you, Wichita.

Thanks, Little Rock.

For f***'s sake, enough! We're being

chased by ravenous freaks!

We don't have enough problems?

"They stole my Hummer.

We have trust issues."

We can't just f***ing drive

down the road...

...playing I Spy or some sh*t for hours

like four normal-ass Americans?

F*** me!

I know.

Let me be the mature one.

Good.

So where are you guys headed?

Pacific Playland.

The amusement park?

- Wait, outside L.A.?

- Yeah. We went there as kids.

That place totally blows.

My mind. It's so fun.

Just good entertainment

for the whole family.

Yeah, I went there as a kid too. In fact,

this probably counts as off-season.

Well, did you guys hear?

There are no zombies there.

Yeah, we heard.

You know, I may not shoot you, but

you have still royally pissed me off...

...and I'm not going to play with you

at Pacific Playland.

- Don't worry, he grows on you.

- Really?

No. It gets worse.

Okay. How about

we play the quiet game?

Yeah? Starting now.

Oh, I've actually

been meaning to ask you:

Did you hear anything

about Columbus, Ohio?

- You never played the quiet game?

- Sorry.

No? Well, they're playing it

in Columbus.

It's a total ghost town.

It's burned to the ground.

You're Columbus.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it was...

I'm not sure what's more tragic:

that my family is gone...

...or the realization that I never really

had much of a family to begin with.

Either way, I can't pretend that what

I'm looking for I'll find by going home.

I have no home.

We can get you a ride.

You know,

you can go see for yourself...

...or settle somewhere new.

Okay.

I could tell she knew

what I was feeling.

We were all orphans in Zombieland.

I know this Pacific Playland thing

is nuts...

...but it's just been so long

since she got to be a kid.

Yeah, it's tough growing up

in Zombieland.

It's tough growing up.

There.

You could take that truck.

Well, I hope you find

whoever it is you're looking for.

And don't let go, once you do.

It wasn't just because

I had nowhere else to go.

It was because, in that moment,

it became clear.

Wherever this girl was,

that's where I wanted to be.

Man, we're gonna have to pull

over soon. I'm feeling cooped up.

"Wantum your wampum."

Yeah. That'll work.

- Okay, but what the hell are we doing?

- Just humor him. Trust me.

Hold up.

Who wants to go first?

I really,

really wanna impress Wichita...

...but it would be in violation

of rule 17...

...maybe the most important rule

of all:
Don't be a hero.

- Why don't you take this one?

- Don't mind if I do.

What do you think?

Zombie kill of the week?

Close, but no cigar.

Kill of the week...

...goes to

Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker.

Poor flat bastard.

- Perfume?

- What?

Is that perfume?

It's cologne.

I'm thinking...

...Lancme Magnifique.

Why don't you speak up a little?

I think they might have

missed it in Santa Fe.

- Oh, my God.

- All right. Okay.

You're thinking about

f***ing Wichita.

Wish granted. She spent

the last 24 hours f***ing us both.

Hey.

Good luck now, Petunia.

Okay.

Let me begin by saying you're a

wonderful human with great potential.

It's okay, but FYI, I beat wholesale

ass for a lot less than that.

- I'm sure.

- You get 45 percent power.

Thank you.

Yeah. Come on, break another one.

Nice.

Doesn't that feel good?

Tallahassee's right.

You gotta enjoy the little things...

...even if that means destroying

a whole lot of little things.

Smells like perfume.

- You don't know who Willie Nelson is?

- No.

Willie Nelson?

Yeah, no, I don't.

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