Zombieland Page #4

I shave every morning, but sometimes

by, like, 4:
30, I'll have a thing.

It's called 5:
00 shadow,

but sometimes I'll get it prematurely.

Since it's a freeway, you can get it up

to, like, 65, but don't go more than 75.

- You don't wanna go more than 20.

- Don't worry about a blind spot.

Blind spots are for other drivers.

It's like the first time

that I've ever driven.

So do you never strap in

or it's just on long road trips?

It's just there's zombies everywhere.

I think the least of my worries...

- Yeah, that's true.

...is seat belts.

Yes, but, no, she's not.

She's only famous when she's Hannah

Montana, when she's wearing the wig.

- Right. Only wig.

- So...

It's kind of freeing.

Yeah.

For the first time in a long time,

we were having fun.

So even though it ran counter

to our strategies...

...we decided to stay together

as far as Pacific Playland.

I think sleep deprivation is the

number one health problem in America.

Well, now I think it might be

number two.

- Number two.

- That's adorable.

- I think we should find a place to crash.

- Oh, I got an idea.

We're in Hollywood,

let's sleep in style.

Grab a map.

Come on.

Hurry! Hurry!

Good job.

Looks like anyone who's ever been

in a movie lives on this block.

What exactly you think we're doing

in the 90210, Sally?

I pictured Tom Cruise

living somewhere nicer.

B- lister compared

to who I got in mind, folks.

We're going to the tippy-top

of the A-list.

- Who?

- You'll see.

Hey. There's a big BM.

And it ain't Bob Marley.

This place is incredible.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to la manion de Murray.

- Bill Murray.

- God, no way.

This guy has a direct line

to my funny bone.

- Everything...

- Wait. Who's Bill Murray?

Hey, I've never hit a kid before.

All right? I mean,

that's like asking who Gandhi is.

Who's Gandhi?

She's 12.

- No Twinkies.

- Sh*t, f***!

See? I told you we should've gone

to Russell Crowe's.

- No one listens to me.

- Hello, inside voices. Okay?

At least until we know we're alone.

Tallahassee, Wichita, take that way.

Little Rock, come here.

Why do I get stuck with her?

It doesn't seem to end.

Hey, come here.

He has his own movie theater?

Okay, I'm gonna teach you

something about Bill Murray.

A king slept right here.

Dibs on the bed.

Too soft for me, anyway.

Oh, this is so exciting. You're about

to learn who you gonna call.

It's Ghostbusters.

This is pretty catchy.

Come on.

Help me with the boots. Come on.

Help me with the boots.

Okay. I'll get them myself.

Sh*t.

Bill Murray, you're a zombie?

I'm on fire!

You're not a zombie,

you're talking, and...

- You're okay?

- The hell I am!

I'm sorry. I didn't know

that it was "you" you.

Are you...? What's with the get-up?

Oh, I do it to blend in. You know.

Zombies don't mess

with other zombies.

Buddy of mine

showed me how to do this.

Cornstarch. You know, some berries,

a little licorice for the ladies.

Suits my lifestyle, you know.

I like to get out and do stuff.

Just played nine holes on the Riviera.

Just walked on. Nobody there.

Goddamn it, Bill f***ing Murray!

I had to get that out.

I don't mean to gush.

This is so surreal. I mean,

you probably get this all the time.

Maybe not lately,

but I'm such a huge fan of yours.

I mean, I swear, you know...

...l've seen every one of your movies

a million times.

I even love your dramatic roles

and just everything.

Six people left in the world,

one of them is Bill f***ing Murray!

I know that's not your middle name.

I been watching you since I was like...

Since I could masturbate.

I mean, not that they're connected.

"A former greenskeeper about

to become the Masters champion."

Well, that's why we do it.

I love you, Bill. I love you.

I thank you.

Thank you.

You are staring at me.

It's a hairpiece.

I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look

remarkably like Eddie Van Halen.

I just saw Eddie Van Halen.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Where? How was that?

- At the Hollywood Bowl.

He's a zombie.

That's a tough break.

So how about

a little West Coast hospitality?

Can I get you something?

What would you like?

Smooth, isn't it?

Oh, hurry.

Hurry, he's on the ceiling.

- Come get him. Avoid the chandelier.

- Light him up, Ray.

- See you on the other side, Pete.

- Oh, he's so disgusting.

- Looks like Slimer.

- Don't cross the streams!

- I don't wanna cross...

- Oh, no, he's awful.

Don't cross the streams!

Thirty-five feet long,

weighing approximately 600 pounds.

That's a big Twinkie.

Your sister is single, right?

There's nothing long distance

or anything?

- No.

- Oh, good, good.

And if she had, like, a type,

you know...

...if you can have a type,

what would that be, you think?

She kind of goes for, like, bad boys.

- Really?

- Yeah.

That's cool.

What?

- So Columbus is the scared one?

- Yeah. He's like a little bunny.

I'll get him.

Watch this.

No.

No, no, it's okay, it's okay.

I got him.

Is that how you say hello

where you come from?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,

I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.

- Mr. Murray?

- I'm just Bill, I think, now.

- Bill?

- Yeah?

I don't think we're gonna be able

to stitch this.

That's still tender.

You think you might pull through?

No.

If it means anything now,

I am so sorry.

It was just instinctive.

It was my bad.

I was never a very good

practical joker.

So do you have any regrets?

Garfield, maybe.

I'm sorry, he just gets me.

- But it still is sad.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Oh, sh*t.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Sh*t. Okay.

Sorry. One second.

It's a double-barrel. Sorry.

Okay.

Three, two, one.

- You guys want some Purell?

- Yes.

- Please.

- Yeah.

Around the world.

Yes.

- Oh, free parking.

- Yeah.

Which is the best thing

about Zombieland.

No, best thing about Z-land,

no Facebook status updates.

You know, "Rob Curtis

is gearing up for Friday."

- Who cares?

- The best thing is no more flushing.

- Epic.

- And the worst thing about Z-land?

You mean, other than the fact

that I shot Bill Murray?

That's easy. Losing Buck.

That's his puppy.

I'm gonna tell you, I never thought

I could love anything like Buck.

He was just... The day he was born,

I just lost my mind.

Sorry.

We were two peas.

He had my personality, my laugh,

my appetite.

Laugh?

That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed

that it had taken me this long...

Me, with the best cardio

in the business.

- to realize I wasn't the only one

running from something.

Oh, there it is. There you go.

Oh, you like the syrup. Yes.

Okay.

We made this wallet together

out of duct tape.

Take away a man's son...

...you've truly given him

nothing left to lose.

I haven't cried like that since Titanic.

Hi.

A hint.

Why don't you exhale slowly,

squeeze the trigger?

Don't make me drink alone.

Okay.

It's a 1997 Georges?

I never took French.

Georges de Latour? I don't know.

- Oh, it's a '97?

- Yeah.

- Was that a good year?

- Oh, my God.

It was great.

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