Zombieland Page #5

Are you kidding me?

I saw my first R-rated movie

that year.

- Yeah, Anaconda.

- Anaconda.

First tattoo, porpoise.

- Really?

- Fake.

First kiss.

Scotty Lynch.

You guys used tongue?

Maybe.

You jealous of Scotty Lynch?

Yes, I am.

Actually, I think I'm jealous

of your whole 1997.

Let's see.

Mine, first orthodontist.

The bastard gave me headgear.

Yeah. I got my first B.

Oh, no.

Frightening as Anaconda.

In wood shop, which doesn't really

count as a class anyway.

No.

Had my first school dance.

Oh, thank you.

It was a Sadie Hawkins,

so girls' choice, you know.

- What, and nobody picked you?

- It was girls' choice.

- Those b*tches.

- I know.

No, I will not stand for this.

No. You know what?

On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls,

I would like to make it up to you.

Relax.

Scotty's old news.

I don't even know your name,

but this is actually really nice.

You know, between you, me

and What About Bob?

...you're actually kind of cute.

You think so?

Yeah.

I mean, you got the guts of a guppy...

...but I could hit that.

Really?

Or at least give you

the intentional walk to first.

Hey, a little help moving the couch?

We're making a fort.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's probably for the best.

- Right.

- Because...

...I like you...

...Columbus, but my sister and I...

...are gonna do

whatever it takes to survive, so...

I was hoping

Wichita was just playing hard to get...

...but I realized she had

more trust issues than I...

...when I woke up the next day

and she was leaving.

You are like a giant

cock-blocking robot...

...like, developed in a secret

f***ing government lab.

Hey.

I can't believe I almost kissed him.

What's our rule?

- Trust no one, just you and me.

- Just you and me.

Yeah. You and me.

You have just survived

the zombie apocalypse...

...and drove halfway across

the country.

Where are you gonna go?

I'm going to Pacific Playland.

Open sesame.

This is the problem

with getting attached to someone.

When they leave you,

you just feel lost.

Having Tallahassee around

didn't comfort me...

...it just made me feel more alone.

Hey. You weren't exactly

gonna score, anyway.

You know, you weren't storming

the trenches before I came along.

That's why I don't let people close.

You only get burned.

You don't say.

Mexico.

You know what they call Twinkies

in Mexico?

- That's where I'm headed, amigo.

- Whatever.

- Oh, my God.

- I know.

- This is really fun. Oh, my God.

- Yeah.

Oh, no.

I'm going after Wichita.

Look, you ever read that book

She's Just Not That Into You?

You can't make yourself

too available.

I don't care, all right?

I wanna be with her.

Have fun in Mexico.

Come on. Hurry.

Get in.

Come on, go.

Go, go.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

You okay? Come on.

Hurry, get up.

- Come on, let's go.

- Yeah.

There.

I'm not great at farewells, so...

...that'll do, pig.

That's the worst goodbye

I've ever heard...

...and you stole it from a movie.

Tell the ladies I said hey.

You know, their pictures

were in someone's wallet too.

Hop in the car, Evel Knievel.

- Let's go ride the roller coaster.

- Thanks.

Go!

Not as fun as I remember.

Shoot the control box.

- Columbus?

- Tallahassee?

I think they might actually

require our assistance this time.

- Buckle up.

- Yeah. I'm way ahead of you.

Time to nut up or shut up.

Holy sh*t.

My mama always told me

someday I'd be good at something.

Who'd have guessed

that would be zombie killing?

Probably nobody.

Look.

We better start working

on our apology.

Oh, no. No.

- Hey!

- Hey!

- Hey! Ohio!

- Over here!

- Hey! Help!

- Help!

- Oh, my God.

- Help!

Hey!

Help!

- Hey, they're up there. They're okay.

- What are you waiting for?

That's your gal.

- Over here!

- Help!

Come on!

Come get a piece of Tallahassee!

Anybody hungry?

Tallahassee's nice this time of year!

Come on!

Come on, you ugly bastards!

Holy sh*t.

Hey!

Motherf***er!

Sh*t. I'm out of shells.

Bingo.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

Oh, sh*t.

- Wichita! Little Rock!

- Hurry!

Oh, my God.

Look at this f***ing clown.

Of course. It had to be a clown.

F***.

No, it had to be a clown,

and it had to be Wichita...

...for me to finally understand...

...that some rules

are made to be broken.

Time to nut up or shut up.

F*** this clown.

- Thanks.

- Hey.

Get your gun. Here you go. Hi.

Okay.

Krista.

Okay. We should probably

head out now.

Finally got to first base.

Not bad for that scrawny

little spit-f***.

Where's Florida?

I have a little hunch.

Where are you, you spongy,

yellow, delicious bastards?

- Where are you?

- Yo.

False advertising.

Jesus Christ.

You want a Sno Ball or something?

Oh, God.

Words cannot express.

It's too soon.

Do you think you could maybe just pick

out the buckshot and eat around it?

Okay, yeah.

No!

- No!

- No!

That face?

That's me realizing that those smart

girls in that big black truck...

...and that big guy

in that snakeskin jacket...

...they were the closest to

something I'd always wanted...

...but never really had.

A family.

I trusted them and they trusted me.

Rule number 32:

Enjoy the little things.

Tallahassee got his Twinkie.

And even though life would never

be simple or innocent again...

...as he savored that spongy,

yellow log of cream...

...we had hope. We had each other.

And without other people, well,

you might as well be a zombie.

- Thank you so much.

- You had us going.

Yeah.

That was very funny.

So until next time, remember:

Cardio, seat belts, and this

has nothing to do with anything...

...but a little sunscreen

never hurt anybody.

I'm Columbus, Ohio, from

Zombieland, saying good night.

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