Zoolander 2

Sting!

Sting, open up!

It's bieber!

Sting! Come on! Sting!

It's bieber, bro!

Open the door!

Oh, fudge!

You can't kill us all.

We will protect

the chosen one.

Uh-huh.

Peace out, world.

Peace out.

Valentina,

he was pronounced dead

13 minutes ago.

I can't believe it.

Justin bieber?

No.

The sixth pop star

to die in the last year.

And all with that look.

As if they were

trying to tell us something.

That look.

There's only one person

on earth

who would know

how to interpret this look.

It's a dead end,

Valentina.

No one has seen

that man in years.

Then god help us all.

Shocking. Stupefying.

Something out of a Hollywood

disaster movie.

Just a few of the ways

new yorkers described

what happened today

as Derek zoolander's

center for kids

who can't read good

and who wanna learn to do

other stuff good, too

literally collapsed

into the east river

only two days after

its official opening.

Students and teachers

were evacuated.

And while

zoolander and his son,

Derek Jr., were unharmed,

sadly, his wife,

Matilda jeffries-zoolander,

has reportedly died.

I just feel lucky no one

from my family was hurt!

She was crushed by the book?

A vigil is being held tonight

for the other

chisel-cheeked lion

of the modeling kingdom,

hansel, who is reported

to have sustained

permanent injury

to his breathtaking face

after being trapped

beneath a burning beam.

Although authorities

are still investigating,

the cause of the disaster

is believed to be

zoolander's

mind-boggling decision

to build the reading center

out of the actual materials

that were used to construct

the original

architectural model.

Clothing designer

Jacob moogberg,

aka jacobim mugatu

was sentenced today

to two consecutive life terms

in a maximum

security fashion prison

for his role in

the attempted assassination

of the Malaysian

prime minister.

His co-conspirator,

modeling agent

Maury ballstein,

turned state's witness...

I'll give you anything

you want on that fakakta fink.

...in exchange for

relocation in the witness

protection program.

Back in the news tonight,

former model,

negligent builder,

now unfit parent,

Derek zoolander.

This footage was taken

by a neighbor

across from

zoolander's soho loft.

D.J., how did mommy

make it soft?

The child protection agency

removed zoolander's son,

Derek Jr.

Late last night in

a daring midnight raid

placing him in

the custody of the state.

Which is why it

pains me to say

that effective immediately,

i will retire from modeling

and live alone

as a hermit crab.

I will now be anonymous

and known only as...

Eric...

Toolander.

And finally tonight,

here's something

to make you feel old.

Incredible as it may sound,

of the over 3.7 million

high school graduates

this year

less than 2% could tell you

what a fax machine is,

name a Caucasian president,

or know who

Derek zoolander was.

Was... was... was...

Go away.

Derek!

Open up, it's me.

I'm sorry, traveler,

you must have lost your way.

No one lives here

by that name.

Right. Sorry.

I mean, Eric.

I've got your mail.

Billy Zane. It's been years.

Where's my regular mailperson,

ingvar?

He couldn't make it.

I was in the neighborhood,

i thought I'd stop by.

Got your netflix.

Whoa, Jack Ryan...

...and Jack reacher.

Tonight's gonna be

a total Jack-off.

You have

something else here.

What is it?

Open it.

Gryootings, Derek zoolownder.

Are you a boxtroll?

That's alexanya atoz,

owner of the largest fashion

empire in the world.

Because you are one of the

world's true fishion icons,

I have personal selected you

to come to Rome...

The eturnanal cyootee...

To muddel my

nyouest colleeauction

by my hoottest

now designer...

Doon atari.

Who?

don atari.

He's "it" in

fashion right now.

People would die

to be in his show.

I can't.

I'm a hermit crab now.

Gryootings,

Derek zoolownder.

I already told you!

It's like you're not

even listening to me!

Derek, uh...

Eric.

Maybe it's time to engage

with the world again.

Think about it, man.

This could be a sign.

And what if it's

a stop sign, Billy?

I used to be a successful

model/fashion icon.

Now, I'm just

a model/failure.

Slash-guy who is

still a model/father.

Slash-guy

who killed his wife

using cheap building materials

that collapsed on her.

Slash-guy who has got

to stop beating himself up

about that!

Slash-guy who couldn't

make spaghetti soft

so they took away his son,

so-slash-now he's alone

and hiding from the world.

Slash.

Slash-have you ever

even tried to get

your son back?

You can do that?

Yeah.

You'd hire a litigator,

he files

the appropriate paperwork...

But I don't even

know where he is.

First things first.

If you take this job

that alexanya's offering you,

you could prove

to child services

that you're a productive

member of society again.

Go to Rome.

Find yourself.

Become the father

you were meant to be

and get your boy back.

Safe journey, my friend!

Thanks, Billy!

What have you got?

Ball and chain not happy.

Sorry I'm late!

Oh, my gosh.

I was finishing up

shavasana

and this sandstorm

kicked up out of nowhere.

I'm okay, though.

Ah, natalka,

you look beautiful.

Really?

Yes, really.

Dinner is ruined!

Guys, I told you

not to wait for me,

didn't I?

Remember,

we talked about this.

Can't we just

take it slow?

When I met you guys

two years ago,

it was the best orgy

of my life.

Let's get back to

that feeling.

It's there.

Hansel.

Every relationship

has to evolve.

And somehow, you've managed

to stay the same.

But you're gonna

have to change, my man.

'Cause change,

she is a-comin'.

What?

Natalka.

All of you?

How is this even possible?

We thought you'd be happy.

Well, I am happy.

That, uh...

It's just a lot to process,

and that's what I'm doing.

To be honest,

I've never seen myself

in this role, you know,

as a...

You mean a father?

Well... uh... I...

Let me...

I want to check on...

On the camel here!

Who am I?

Who am I?

Hey, hansel!

Billy Zane?

Got your netflix.

And this.

- Thanks very much.

- No, it's my bag.

Excuse me,

i think that's...

No, trust me,

this is my bag.

Just look at

the ticket right here.

Hansel.

Never heard of him,

honcho.

Look right here

at the ticket

and you can see that...

Derek zoolander.

Hi. It's been a long time.

Yeah. Not long enough.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

i think I should peace.

Wait a minute!

We haven't seen

each other since...

Since the building

you designed

fell on my face

and ruined my career?

Yeah, it's been a while.

It was an accident.

I didn't mean to...

You didn't mean to build

the support beams

out of popsicle sticks

and highly-flammable

rubber cement?

That was just

a little accident?

Yeah.

This is it. Forever.

Because I promise you,

this is the last time

we will ever see each other.

Right here, this moment.

Good-bye forever.

Works for me.

Hope you're not

an epiplectic,

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