Zoolander 2 Page #2

because we're about

to get blinded.

Yep. Here we go.

Susan boyle, right here!

Take a picture of that!

Vultures!

I guess with my beard

and your disgusting face,

they don't know

who we are.

Derek! Hansel!

Hey, boys. I'm vip.

Vip?

Yeah.

I'm in charge

of social media

for don atari.

I've been working for him

since I was 10.

How old are you now?

Eleven.

Should we go to the hotel?

Pretty strange, you and i

both getting called back

to the big stage

like this.

A gig's a gig.

I'm just doing this

to get my son back.

Explain how doing

a fashion show's

gonna accomplish that.

Simple. Child services hears

I'm working again,

kkk, a responsible parent,

and they give me

my son back.

Responsible parent?

What? You don't think

i could be one?

No, it just brings up

some junk from the past.

I didn't have a father.

It's kind of my

big issue right now.

You didn't

have a father?

Nah.

All my mom ever told me

was my dad was a beat cop.

Always on the road.

The road away

from little hansel.

Valentina. You're going

to want to see this.

Check out

Mr. disco Barry gibb.

Zoolander is in Rome?

Welcome to the palazzo d'caca.

The entire hotel

is biodegradable

and made from

reclaimed human waste.

This is the ultra-exclusive,

fully-toxic,

zero-footprint suite.

The masseuses at the spa

are all homeless.

And the hotel

has complimentary

farm-to-table Wi-Fi.

Wait...

We're rooming together?

Mmm-hmm.

There must be some mistake.

I'll call Billy Zane.

Good idea.

Look, tiny phone!

That is so retro.

I'm gonna take

a picture of it

with my phone.

This is Billy Zane.

I'm not here right...

Well, don atari

is waiting for you

down in the lobby.

Oh, and don't

drink the water

or you'll die.

I just have one question.

Yeah?

What in the world is

farm-to-table Wi-Fi?

You're asking me?

Muchacho, I have no idea.

For serious?

No!

Because when vip said that,

you had this look

on your face, like,

"i totally know

what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"

I was acting cool

'cause I thought you knew.

I thought you knew!

No, I just didn't want vip

to think I was uncool!

I miss not knowing things

with you.

Yeah. Me, too.

Why didn't

we do this sooner?

Because we've

both been in hiding

since the day

i killed my wife

and permanently

disfigured you.

Oh, yeah,

that's probably it.

That was the day

i lost the fire.

The fire?

The fire in my face.

It's kind of

my big issue right now.

You still got it, d-zone.

You're Derek zoolander.

You stopped a Chinese

throwing star in mid-air

with a look.

I was there.

That's not me anymore.

Yes, it is.

Hey, flash me

that beautiful look.

Give me that

incredible Magnum.

No!

Think fast. Magnum.

Wait, no!

Magnum! Now!

Oh!

Come on! You got this,

but you got to focus!

Come on!

Hansel, stop!

You have this! Yeah!

Maybe we could

try a wash cloth?

Tequila!

Hansel, no!

No! It's not working!

Ah, you're right.

What happened to us?

You mean me.

You still have it.

No, I don't.

Look at this face.

It's a horror show.

Come on, hansel.

It can't be that bad.

It is.

Take off your mask.

No.

No way.

No one's ever seen me

without this mask.

And no one ever will.

I think I know the real you.

And it has nothing to do

with the way you look.

You mean that?

Of course, I do.

Okay.

No!

It's disgusting!

Put it back!

I was wrong, please,

put the mask back on!

It's so gross!

I can't be friends with you

if you look like that! Please!

It is so disgusting!

Please, put it back!

Please, hansel, put it back,

i was wrong!

No. This feels good.

Could you please

put the mask back on

so I can concentrate on

what you're saying?

No! I'm done hiding.

Look, there's only one way

for us to find ourselves.

Know what that is?

Look inward and connect

with our authentic truth?

No. I was gonna say

become the two biggest,

hottest models

in the world again.

Okay.

Okay. So what say

we get you cleaned up,

shave that

Billy goat beard,

go downstairs

and show these punks

what real fashion looks like?

Oh, my god. Yes, dude!

Yes! You guys look so lame.

I love it, dude.

You ninjas dressed up

all old-school

just to meet me.

So jedi.

You guys suck.

Both of you guys suck.

You look great.

Thanks.

I'm don atari. What up?

What up, hansel?

Yeah. That's sick.

Wait a minute.

"I'll call Billy...".

I just said that!

I know.

Like, 15 minutes ago, right?

Vip told me,

so I made these retro shirts

with your old

catchphrase on it.

Cool.

Hey, let me introduce

my collective, dude.

They're all losers,

i hate these guys.

We got trs-80, kitt...

Rubik, my man gleek.

Eh, this guy gives

the best shitty tattoos ever.

He's a genius.

His tattoos are so stupid.

He's the one who did

my colonel Sanders.

Look at that,

pretty epic, huh?

It sucks,

i don't like it, dude.

Why would I do this to myself?

I never wanted this on me.

I love it, dude. I got it

when my grandfather died.

That's really cool.

So, uh, what's the deal

with the show?

Yeah, where do you want us

to fire up this chainsaw?

Colosseum? Trevi fountain?

Spanish steps?

What? No way, dude.

Those places are

gnar-gnar Bo-Bo.

We're holding it

in an abandoned

medical waste facility

on top of

an industrial trash heap.

It's totally toxic,

but super chill.

Cool! Sounds dope.

Yeah, fresh.

Oh, what?

You guys are like,

"sounds dope!" "Fresh!"

They're doing the voices

and everything!

I didn't think you guys

would do the voices.

That's sick!

"Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!"

I don't like you guys.

It's an honor to have you.

Hey, retreads!

I want to introduce you all

to my muse

and basically, like,

the biggest supermodel

in the whole world

right now, dude.

This is all.

All what?

We are all.

So, are you like a male model

or a female model?

All is not defined

by binary constructs.

That's cool.

I don't like labels, either.

But I think he's asking,

do you have a hot dog

or a bun?

Do you have a wiener

or vergiener?

All is all to all.

By the way, all just

married hermself, dude.

Monomarriage is

finally legal in Italy.

I support that.

Derek, that's pretty good,

right?

Uh, I'm sorry,

are you not comfortable

with people like all

in the workplace

or something?

No. Of course, I am.

I mean, like,

if your son or whatever

came to you and said,

"hey, dad,

i really want to marry all,"

like, wouldn't you

be so stoked for that?

Isn't that, like,

exactly what you want?

Imagine all walking in,

being like,

"we'll finally be together."

You'd be like hella

stoked for that, right?

Yeah.

I'd be, like,

totally stoked.

All is done here. Atari.

See you, fools.

Guys, alexanya atoz is here!

The show must begin now!

Wow. Alexanya atoz.

They say she doesn't walk.

She just floats.

She looks even better

in person.

Ah, I got those juices

flowing again.

Just put us out there.

Let us do our thing.

Come on! Come on!

Chop, chop!

Lay down, lay down!

Get in, get in.

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