Zoolander 2 Page #3

Take off your robes.

Go! Go! Go!

Derek! I have a really

good feeling about this.

I know. I feel so alive!

Oh!

"Old"?

"Lame"?

Ha! Yah!

Quit it, all!

Hot dog!

It's definitely a hot dog!

All is done.

"Prunes"?

So let me tell you

what I think worked.

I think we got to shake off

some of the rust.

I was trying out

a few new looks,

although it might

have been hard to see

through all the dates, or,

was it, you know, prunes?

Hansel, are you insane?

We were a joke out there.

A total laughing stick.

What do you want me to say?

I mean, I know...

I know we

looked like idiots,

but I'm trying to make

the best of it!

Knuck, knuck!

Not now! We...

You...

...two...

...vere amowzing.

Deeryuck.

Your fece so hundsome.

Und, hansel, so stemmy.

Ridowkulously stemmy

and hyot.

I'm sorry.

I can't understand a word

that you're saying.

I want to invite

you to be my gyuests

at the most elite

fishion event in housetory.

The incrediball.

Oh, what!

The incrediball?

Is that like the met ball?

No, sveet, stupid deryuck.

For the first time

in the housetory of fishion,

all of the most important

designers will come together

under one rureff.

I trust you will be dere

with your hyot

and stemmy feces.

Dudes. Holy shazbot! What!

You're guys are gonna be

the center-pizzle

of incrediball!

What does that mean?

The center-pizzle

of incrediball.

That was bananas, Johnny.

I'm done.

What? Derek, what are you

talking about?

Did you not hear

what they just said?

We're going to be the center

of the incrediball.

I can only pray that

nobody from child services

attended the show

or I'll never get

little Derek back.

What about

all the attention?

This is exactly

what we were talking about!

No, hansel. It's exactly

what you were talking about.

We don't fit in anymore.

don atari and all

and that creepy little vip!

I don't want any part of it!

Derek.

Derek!

Derek! D-rock!

Derek zoolander?

Yes.

Valentina valencia.

Interpol,

global fashion division.

Fashion police?

We're clean, lady.

Go harass somebody else.

Besides,

I'm out of fashion.

I need to talk to you.

It has to do with

the death of Justin bieber.

His death is not my problem.

Look, I'm trying to find out

who's killing the pop stars

of the world.

And I think

you're my only chance.

What part of "not my problem"

did you not understand?

None of it.

So you did understand

the part about it

not being my problem,

or you didn't understand

any part of it not being

a part of my problem?

No, no, no, Derek.

I think what she's saying

is that she understands

what you're saying,

but she doesn't accept it.

Hansel!

It's all too confusing.

I thought coming here

would help me find myself,

and possibly my son.

But this is more

than I bargained for.

This hermit crab

is crawling back

into his planetarium.

I can use

the database at interpol

to help you find your son.

If you help me.

I think we got to

play ball with her.

She's got some kind

of database

or something

that she says

will help us

find little Derek.

And she's hot.

I trust her.

So, before bieber died,

he twitpic'd this look.

He posted it to the blogspot

for his summer concert tour.

He was trying

to send a message.

It's blue steel, right?

What are you,

a f***ing idiot?

Yeah, that's blue steel.

My question is,

is interpol one of

those socialist things

where they hire

mentally-impaired people?

I... I know.

That's right.

I heard your mother

worked here.

Oh, snap!

My mother

doesn't work here.

No more games, okay?

Is this blue steel or not?

Not even close.

I knew what it was

the moment I saw it.

It's an old one...

From the 90s.

It was for a body lotion

campaign I did.

I called it "aqua vitae".

Young forever.

Moo!

Still holds up.

Notice the curvature

of my right eyebrow.

It's night and day

from blue steel.

He's right.

When I overlay them,

there are over 14,000

different facial anomalies.

Wow.

I had no idea there was

so much subtlety involved.

Please accept my apologies,

Derek.

None taken.

Whoa!

Filippo, we need to find

everything there is

on aqua vitae.

Hold on a second, lady.

A deal's a deal.

Now, you help me

find my son.

Sure.

His name is Derek Jr.?

Yes.

Have you ever facebooked him?

No, thanks.

Matilda facebooked...

...and it killed her.

Found him.

He's at the orphanage

del piccolo cletusi.

Here.

In Rome.

Wait. What?

He's in Rome.

That's convenient.

So we can hit that party

at the incrediball.

A little too convenient.

Someone wants you here, guys.

But who?

Listen to me.

Be careful

at the orphanage.

And trust no one

at house of atoz.

I'll see what I can find.

Thanks for coming with me.

I feel kind of nervous.

Hey. You're showing up.

Feel good.

That must be him.

Where?

He's even more gorgeous

than I imagined.

You're a lucky man.

You there. Boy.

What's his name?

Who?

Him?

That's fabrizio.

Fabrizio.

What a beautiful name.

He used to be

called Derek Jr.

Really? That's strange,

'cause that's my name.

Bye, mister.

Let's go.

What?

Let's go.

What? Why?

I can't do this.

Why not?

He's fat!

The fat one is Derek Jr.

No, that chubby kid's

name is fatlander.

I heard them call him that.

Don't you get it?

He switched the "zoo" part

with "fat".

That's how he came

up with "fatlander".

Fat equals zoo!

So wait.

You're saying that just

because your son is fat

that makes him some sort

of terrible person?

Maybe you're right.

No, I'm asking.

Does being fat

make someone

a terrible person?

And I'm agreeing with you.

I seriously think my fat son

might be a terrible person.

And it doesn't make him

a good person, I know that.

But I don't know

what to say.

I think you better

puddle-talk it out.

So I guess

i have a lot to ponder.

You sure do.

Derek.

What? Who's that?

I don't know.

It wasn't me.

Derek.

Derek.

Ghost of Matilda?

Is that really you?

Yes, Derek.

I'm sorry I haven't

been in touch,

but I've just been so dead.

Listen.

You must love our son.

He needs you.

But beware

of the headmaster.

What's happening to you?

Love our son.

Ew!

And beware the headmaster.

Hello.

I'm the headmaster.

Derek zoolander...

...I'm assuming.

Because I've never

met you ever.

Mr. hansel informs me

that you'd like

to see your son.

Easily arranged. Come.

I should tell you,

your son is

incredibly gifted.

Hello.

If you want

to find the spirits

in the material world,

you need to talk

to the ghost in the machine.

What? Who is this?

I have a message

in a bottle for you,

so don't go to the police.

Okay, don't go to the police

'cause there's a message

in a bottle.

Okay, I got it.

Now go prank call

someone else, idiot.

Here they are now.

Hey, there, sport.

I hear someone's

a fat little smartypants.

I'll leave you to it, then.

I'm gonna let

you two catch up

and maybe hit the spa

back at the caca.

Look, I know you have

a lot of unresolved feelings,

but I'm still your father.

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