Zoolander 2 Page #4

You're not my father.

You weren't there.

That wasn't my choice.

I was there when

you were little.

Most kids play

catch with their father.

They don't go with them

to a thong shoot.

There are lots of

starving children in Africa

who would die to

go to a thong shoot.

What?

Look, let me

make it up to you.

Let's go play

ball-catching now.

Ball-catching?

So how's the family

reunion going?

Great. I'd like

to check him out

for a few hours,

if that's okay.

Sure. As long as

he's back by sundown.

He seems like a nice guy.

You seem like an idiot.

Okay, I think I know

what would help right now.

What?

Frozen chocolata gelato!

Ciao!

Oh, my god!

Hashtag, oops.

You know, sometimes

it takes an extremely

traumatic experience

to make you appreciate

a good makeover.

Am I right?

Derek?

Derek Jr.!

Are you

mentally insane?

What?

What are you reading?

I am malalalala?

No books!

Think of your mother.

What's the big deal?

Mom read tons of books.

And a one-ton book

killed her.

The book didn't kill mom.

You did.

And you nearly

killed me, too.

Come on. Look at us.

We look ridiculous.

What, okay,

maybe your pants

are a little loose.

Are you serious

right now?

What?

I don't want to be

anything like you!

You're a has-been!

And you are

the most narcissistic,

self-involved person

I've ever met!

But that's not

how I think of me.

I'm going back to school.

Little Derek,

come back here!

I thought we were gonna

give each other facials!

Wait.

How did you learn

to speak Italian?

Because I'm smart!

Mom was smart, too.

The only stupid thing

she ever did

was fall in love with you.

I don't even have

the words to express

what a burn that is.

I don't know

what to say.

No, I mean I literally

don't have the vocabulary

to respond.

You're like

a walking tyrannosaurus.

You mean

"walking thesaurus".

I don't know.

I guess it's nice

that you want to reconnect

or whatever.

But we're too different.

And it's too late.

Thanks for the gelato.

Orgy.

Hi there, hansel.

I heard you

are on the rebound.

No, no. I'm still...

Still committed.

We're just taking

a little time to kind of...

Doesn't mean we can't enjoy

each other's bodies.

Oh, damn it.

Hansel.

Meaningless sex

always makes me feel

better about myself.

Come on.

Ooh.

Hansel!

We know you're in there!

Stay here. Stay here.

Hansel, let us in!

We want to apologize!

Come back to the pigpile,

hansel.

Touch-a, touch-a, touch me.

I want to be dirty.

That's it. I've had enough.

Everybody, back up.

Back! Back!

Hello! Hello!

Ah.

My gosh.

God...

Ow!

Oh, hansel.

Okay. You guys have a talk.

I'm going to a bar.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, go.

Hey...

You are a basic b*tch.

Come on, let's go.

Come on. Out.

I can kill you.

Please.

Let me just explain.

Guys, you didn't

even give me

a chance to explain!

Hansel, how can you expect

to love 11 people

when you don't even

love yourself?

I hope they were worth it.

That's not fair.

Kiefer!

Kiefer!

Hey, where did everybody go?

I wasn't done with that hippo.

Who am I?

Who am I?

Derek?

Hey, hansel.

Are you trying to figure out

who you are, also?

Yep.

Hey, Katy!

Yeah, it's like,

when will we find out

who we really are?

I know, right?

Who am I?

Neil degrasse Tyson.

Even you don't

know who you are?

In an ever-expanding universe,

slowly pulling itself apart

into nothingness,

what use does the question

"who am I?" Even have?

Neil, I got to say,

you're totally blowing

my mind right now.

That's what I do.

I'm Neil

degrasse Tyson, b*tch.

Whoo!

Hansel! Derek!

You have to come

to interpol!

I have incredible news!

We did

a full diagnostic

on your aqua vitae look,

and a linguistics analysis

on its etymology.

The direct translation

is "water of life."

But many have

interpreted it another way.

"The fountain of youth".

Okay, look, I only

worked there for a summer.

And, no, they don't

give happy endings.

No, Derek.

The actual fountain of youth.

Can you imagine if

the fountain of youth

indeed does exist...

And if alexanya atoz

could market such a liquid...

Do you ever

get that feeling

when you see

beautiful teenager girl

with perfect skin

and you want to kill her

and take her skin

and put it on your skin?

We bottled that feeling.

House of atoz yowth milk.

...she would make billions.

Excuse me.

Orgy?

You are in serious danger.

Don't stand

so close to me.

Come on.

It's this prank caller again.

Put it on speaker.

What... why?

Just put it

on speaker!

Who is this?

I am your king of pain.

Every breath this

guy takes, I'm like,

"what are you talking about?"

Oh, Jesus.

Just meet me

at Saint Peter's

basilica at midnight.

Sounds like this guy's

really into sting.

I model my life after sting.

And bieber was killed

in front of sting's villa.

What?

Forgive me, father.

I have many sins

that I would like to confess.

One of my sins has to do with

the death of Justin bieber.

No way.

Hey, Derek.

Hey, sting.

And hello, sweet hansel.

Hi.

You two know each other?

Sadly, we've never met.

And yet I feel like

I've known you...

...my entire life.

Tell me.

Have you heard of

the fountain of youth?

Yes. Why does everybody

keep asking me that?

No, Derek,

not the hand job joint

you worked at in soho.

The real fountain of youth.

It dates back

some 6,000 years.

Its original location

is thought to have been

the garden of Eden.

You mean the turkish bathhouse

i used to work at in Tribeca?

No, Derek.

The garden of Eden.

The birthplace

of Adam and Eve

and Steve.

Steve? Who's Steve?

Steve is

the original supermodel.

The first of the purebloods.

He was said

to be so beautiful,

with a look so powerful...

...that even

the pools of water

he gazed upon

could not reflect

his beauty back to him.

That look...

That look was

called "El nino".

But, honestly,

I've never heard of Steve.

Countless lives

throughout history

have been lost

to make sure of that.

Evil forces have hunted

his offspring for centuries.

For the legend states

that if you wrench

the still-beating heart

from the gorgeous body

of a true descendent of Steve

and drink its blood,

you will obtain

eternal beauty.

So the fountain of youth

is not a fountain at all.

The fountain of youth is...

A person.

And not just anyone.

A direct descendent of Steve.

The chosen one.

How do you know all this?

Because I,

and many rock stars like me,

are his protectors.

You see,

there are only a few genes

that separate

the greatest rock stars

in history from male models.

Which genes are those?

The ones for talent

and intelligence.

Of course.

We were entrusted

to protect the chosen ones.

But who is the chosen one?

We believe it is your son.

And that he is

in grave danger.

But he's back at the school!

We have to get to him

before something terrible

happens to him!

No. Wait.

Hansel. Look into my eyes.

Is there anything

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