Zoolander 2 Page #5

you want to ask me?

Anything at all?

Do you really have sex

for ten hours?

No comment.

Fifteen.

Farewell, my handsome boy.

Farewell.

Good-bye, sting.

Bolt cutters!

He's gone!

It's like

no one was ever here.

It was a wig.

What?

It was a wig

the whole time.

That was a wig?

That headmaster

wasn't a good guy at all!

No!

No! No! No!

Derek!

Derek, relax!

Don't do it.

When you want to go to it.

Filippo.

Si.

I need you to pull up

everything you have

on the man who was arrested

back in 2001

for brainwashing zoolander.

Facial scans

to be cross-referenced

with security footage

of the headmaster

of the orphanage.

It's a positive I.D.

The headmaster

didn't have a name or papers.

Oh, my god.

It's the evil

breakdancing dj.

He was arrested with mugatu

and his accomplice

back in 2001.

It's katinka

ingaborgovinananananana.

Where are they now?

Ingaborgovinanananana

disappeared off the grid.

It looks like the evil dj

came through the Swiss border

with forged papers

about three weeks ago.

I suppose they could have...

Driven to Rome

and kidnapped Derek's son.

Exactly!

Which means the person

behind all of this is...

Who?

Who?

Who are we talking about?

Mugatu's in there.

For ten years,

there has only been one name

on the list of visitors

that he will allow.

Thank you.

For what?

For helping us.

When I was a little girl

growing up in albacete,

my room was covered

in pictures of

Derek zoolander.

The most amazing model alive.

Except I'm not one anymore.

My son called me

a has-been.

I'm a has-been.

What kind of has-been

were you?

I was a swimsuit model.

I'm so sorry.

My heart goes out to you.

I was never able

to transition to print

or runway.

To your world

of high fashion.

Because of these.

These intrusive,

oversized naturals.

These things could never fit

into a sample size.

Gross.

You need to go

for this now...

Not later. Now.

Hansel, are you serious?

Yes.

While Matilda lies

warm in her grave?

Matilda's been dead for years.

You need to move on.

Honestly, by now

she's just a couple of teeth.

A piece of spine.

Maybe a little skull fragment,

like that guy from

tales from the crypt.

The crypt keeper.

Hansel, stop it!

I'm not ready.

The world's most

notorious fashion criminals

are in there.

Be careful, Derek.

He'll try to get

inside your head.

Don't worry.

It's closed for business.

Give 'em hell, Derek.

You're goin' down,

zoolander!

You're goin' down,

listen to me!

You better

listen to the hammer!

Can't touch this!

No! No! Zoolander

can't touch mugatu! No!

Shut up, hammer!

Members only. Members only.

Epaulettes are not a crime.

Smart casual. Smart casual.

You can't touch him!

Mr. hammer is wrong!

Derek zoolander.

I've been expecting you.

What have you done

with my son?

Hands.

Our most

overrated appendage.

When not allowed

the use of them,

you'd be surprised how quickly

feet can be trained to do

the exact same thing.

Your son

is doing wonderfully.

From what the school tells

my offshore accountant...

He's incredibly smart.

Your accountant?

Who do you think paid

for that fancy orphanage?

When he was taken away

from you,

someone had to make sure

he got his eight square meals

a day.

Eight? You bastard!

I'm sorry. I'd love

to keep talking about this,

but I seem to have developed

a nasty itch.

I'd ask you

to scratch it for me,

but no doubt you'd think i

was just trying to trick you.

Or you're trying to make me

think I shouldn't help you.

In which case,

i should do the opposite

of that and help you.

Or don't help me.

I think that's even

a better option.

You're trying to

switch it around on me,

but I won't take the bait.

Sorry, mugatu.

I'm going with

my first instinct.

And helping you.

I really wish you wouldn't.

Too late. The die is cast.

I'd prefer that you didn't.

I'm going to do it.

Please don't.

Let me go!

Not until you

untie my straitjacket

and put it on, okay?

If I do,

will you let me go?

No!

Which means you

will let me go.

So I'll do it.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay!

Check and mate, mugatu.

Your move.

You really are an idiot,

aren't you?

Like, super, super white hot,

blazingly stupid.

For ten long years...

I've been plotting my escape

from this dreadful place.

For ten long years.

For ten long years.

Ten years spent creating

some of the most realistic

and lifelike masks...

...ever made.

One for you.

And one for me.

All so that today...

...you can become me!

And I can become...

...you!

That's it?

You'll never get

away with this.

All of the guards here

are former male models.

Somehow I don't think

it's gonna be a problem.

Guard! Guard!

Will that be all,

Mr. zoolander?

That will be all.

No!

No!

Come back here, mugatu!

Mugatu!

Go get Derek!

What?

Go get Derek!

And tell my orgy

i love them!

Todd!

Where's my goddamn latte?

Oh, and, um, here.

What's that?

I missed you, too.

Alexanya!

Moo-moo!

Alexanya!

Oh, no.

Hey, sorry to interrupt.

What?

don atari,

what are you doing here?

Don't you knuck?

Mugatu? What? No way, dude.

I thought you were

supposed to be in jail, dude.

You're like some

dangerous criminal

that tried to assassinate

a world leader, dude.

That was some crazy

retro-bond sh*t.

So corny. I loved it.

Who are you?

Uh, hello! I know you been

all shawshanked out,

but, like, seriously,

I'm the new stupid king

of fashion, whatever.

don atari, baby.

What!

So you know

who I am, right?

Derelicte was the dumbest,

dude.

You and spongebob are,

honestly, like, my biggest

influences ever, dude.

And did you just

escape from prison

in the most

ingenious way possible?

Uh, what?

And did you engineer

the abduction

and fattening of

the son of zoolander,

and delivery

of the chosen one

for ritual sacrifice

as the key to

the fountain of youth?

Did you?

Did you? Did you do that?

Naw.

Naw?

Naw.

Naw?

Naw.

Did you say "naw"?

I... I said..."Naw".

So, I just want

to ask you again.

Do you know

who I am?

Whatever, you're...

I'm jaca-boo-who?

Jacobim mugatu.

That's right!

I'm jacobim mugatu!

Fashion genius.

And you...

You are no one!

Do you understand me?

No one!

I'm the mamba bajamba!

I'm the mamba bajamba!

Todd!

You'll take my name

into death!

You should know, I actually

care about everybody

and everything very truly...

That's right!

I just killed

a little hipster!

Yeah!

Prison changed me deeply!

It affected me

psychologically.

I'm a psycho!

This is just the beginning.

Watch out!

Buyer beware!

Now where is that

chubby little blood fountain?

Hansel!

Guys, mugatz

just killed atari.

For serious?

Also, they're going

to kill your son tonight.

What?

Hang on. I'm gonna try

and get more intel.

What's going on?

Why did you kidnap me?

I didn't kidnap you.

Don't be a silly-Billy.

I'm just a fun,

non-threatening clown,

that's what I am.

Who wants to massively

increase your caloric intake.

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