Zoolander 2 Page #6

Look.

Come here.

There's an all-you-can-eat

pasta bar.

Abbondanza!

Spicy hot pasta puttanesca.

Which means

"whore's pasta"!

As in a whore,

who made this pasta.

Doesn't that look delicious?

Next, an all-you-can-eat

lard bar.

Squirt, piggy, squirt!

Squirt it! Squirt!

All the lard you want!

Fill your little

tummy full of lard!

Hansel, where is he now?

He's okay.

It's actually kind of nice.

Mugatu's hooked him up

with some snacks.

He's got like a lard bar

and some cheesecake and stuff.

Oh, and pasta, too.

No!

Oh, no. You're right.

He's fattening him

for the slaughter.

You can drop

this stupid act.

I know who you are.

You're Jacob moogberg.

And you're supposed

to be in jail.

Hey! Jacob moogberg died

the day I put ebony and ivory

on skinny satin neckwear!

You hear me?

Okay. I got to make my move.

Later.

You listen to me,

biggie smalls.

I went to prison!

You better scarf down that

last bowl of whore pasta!

We roll in two!

You okay in there,

little fella?

We should call

the police boat!

They'll never get here

in time.

Who says swimsuit models

are useless?

Wait. What are you doing?

How long can you

hold your breath?

What?

Take me from behind, Derek.

And grab me like your life

depends on it.

Not like this.

Like this!

For safety. And buoyancy.

Wait. What?

We are swimming back

to Rome.

Oh, okay.

I just talked to your dad.

And we've got to get you

out of here pronto.

I never want

to see him again.

What're you talking about?

Your dad's a great guy.

He loves you

like you're his own.

I am his own!

He's literally

the worst father ever!

Do you know

it would break

your mom's heart

to hear you bugging out

on your dad like this?

You knew my mom?

Oh, yeah. One of the most

amazing women I ever met.

Really?

You didn't want to

cross her in the sack.

Those hips of hers

would put a love lock

on you to beat the band.

Wait, what?

I remember there

was one night,

she had me and your dad

absolutely twisted in knots.

I was driving

the freight train,

your dad's tearing tickets

in the caboose.

Oh...

She had a mouth

like Chinese fingercuffs.

You know where you, like,

try to pull it out but it

just keeps getting tighter...

Stop it! God.

Look... I'm not going.

Well, mugatu's planning

to crack your chest open,

cut your heart

out with a knife,

and drink your blood!

What?

Here he comes.

Everything's gonna be okay.

It's okay, it's okay.

I was exaggerating.

It's d-day, little dumpling.

You're an amazing swimmer.

Why are you doing this?

Don't talk with

your mouth full.

It's soaking wet!

It's ruined!

How are we gonna

reach hansel?

We need a phone.

Wait a minute.

Like this one?

Derek.

Hansel, where are you?

I don't know.

Some kind of tunnel.

I think we're underneath

the incrediball.

It smells like the ruins

of an ancient bathhouse.

It's at the caracalla baths.

I'll drop a pin

or a needle or whatever

and you can track

my coordinates.

Cool.

They'll never let us in

looking like this.

Interpol fashion division!

We need your vehicle

and your clothes. Now!

Why is Anna wintour walking

away from the red carpet?

We have to get in there.

Every bathhouse

I've ever worked at

always had a rear entrance.

I'm sure this

one's no different.

Come on.

This is definitely it.

If I feel around here

long enough,

I should be able

to find the hole...

Derek!

Hansel!

Boy, am I glad

to see you guys.

Hansel, my son is going

to die hating me.

Hating you?

The last time I saw him,

he couldn't stop talking about

how much he loves you.

Really?

Yes.

He said that?

Yes. I mean,

I'm kind of paraphrasing,

and you had to read

between the lines,

but, basically.

Shut up!

Can we talk about this later?

Yeah, come on.

Let's go!

This way.

That's Alexander wang.

And Vera wang.

Both wangs.

Marc Jacobs.

Tommy hilfiger.

They are all here

for the sacrifice.

In the beginning of time,

god created Adam and Eve...

...and Steve!

Mugatu!

Mugatu!

Mugatu!

Mugatu!

Mugatu!

D.J.

Wait.

We don't have backup yet.

Jacobeem mugowto

has deliver us...

...the choosen why-yun.

And behold,

god expunged Steve

from the garden,

only to redeem us

with eternal youth...

No.

...bathed in the blood

of the fat little chosen one!

Derek!

Derek, don't.

No!

I don't care

if you're fat anymore,

Derek Jr.

I love you.

Look, I have made

a lot of mistakes in my life,

but you are by far

the best one.

I was a mistake?

I think so.

To tell you the truth,

we were having so much sex,

i can't remember.

Tell me about it, muchacho.

Ugh!

You're beautiful.

You have the fire.

You just need to believe it.

The fire?

The fire in your face.

I lost it the day

i killed your mom.

Oh, look. It's a sad,

scared little boy

talking to his fat son

about their feelings.

You are responsible

for all this!

You lured me to Italy

so you could escape

from prison.

You made don atari

and alexanya hire me

to set this trap.

But enough is enough!

Enough is enough!

Eat my blade, junior!

Time to die,

chubby checker!

Magnum, buddy. Now.

I can do this.

Oh.

That did not work at all.

It just doesn't hold up,

does it?

You sleuthed

the whole thing out, Derek,

but failed to de-sleuth

the most important

piece of the puzzle.

I owned

the construction company

that built

the center for kids

who can't read good.

I personally made

sure they cut corners.

Literally!

But that means that...

That's right, juju bean.

That's how I

killed your mother!

On CBS, right after

two broke girls.

Dad, it wasn't you!

It wasn't...

Wait. You called me "dad".

Oh, I guess I did.

Now you don't have

the ceremonial knife!

Which means,

no fountain of youth!

Come on, Derek!

We need the blood!

Stop being so emotional,

Derek.

Just give him

the goddamn knife.

Derek, we need the blood!

Blood of Steve!

Blood of Steve!

Blood of Steve!

Blood of Steve!

Blood of Steve!

Give him back the knife,

Derek.

Blood of Steve!

Blood of Steve!

Shut up, Valentino!

Just shut up!

Everyone shut up!

There is no

fountain of youth!

What?

I mean,

Adam and Eve and Steve?

Are you serious?

You actually believed

that crap?

What?

It's literally

the stupidest thing

I've ever heard!

I get it if

Alexander wang believes it,

but the rest of you, come on!

Oh, please.

Without me, you'd still

be cutting patterns

at men's wearhouse.

Oh, look,

it's the white witch

from narnia!

Oh, no, I'm sorry

it's just Anna wintour.

I'll knock your teeth out!

I'll rip your

goddamn tongue out!

Check out the new

spring collection

from hilfiger.

Brought to you

by white privilege!

You couldn't

make a down jacket

to save your life!

A**hole.

I don't understand.

You're saying

the legend isn't true?

Why are you doing

all of this, then?

Because Marc,

by Marc Jacobs...

...i knew there'd only be

one thing that would gather

the entire

idiotic fashion world

into one place with no exit!

Todd! Doors!

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