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Dumb and Dumber Page #2
- PG-13
- Year:
- 1994
- 107 min
- 2,262 Views
POLICE OFFICER:
Come on, move it, you're in a red
zone.
Lloyd starts the limo and pulls away.
CUT TO:
Mary looks tense as she moves through the throngs of travelers. Her pace is slow, deliberate, and
her eyes are focused straight ahead.
She passes a row of phone botths and two MEN � one dressed in an ARMANI SUIT, the other in
a PLAID SPORTCOAT � watch her.
ARMANI SUIT:
She's gonna leave the briefcase at
the foot of the escalator. You make
the pick-up.
PLAID SPORTCOAT:
Piece of cake.
As Lloyd pulls his limo slowly away, he glances in the airport window and SEES MARY
WALKING ALONG.
When she stops at the foot of the escalator, he stops, too. She puts down the briefcase and checks
her coat pocket for her ticket. Lloyd's attention is distracted by a HONK. He turns to see a car
directly behind him.
LLOYD:
(to car's driver)
Drive around me, you pinhead!
When he turns back to watch Mary in the terminal he sees that SHE'S GONE, and she's LEFT
HER BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS. Lloyd jumps to ATTENTION.
He pulls the car into a HANDICAPPED SPOT and hops out. He starts to run into the terminal,
then notices the Police Officer and suddenly goes into a spastic walk, limping and dragging him leg
behind him like a palsy victim.
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL
The Armani Man nods to the Plaid Sportcoat and he starts to approach the briefcase. Just as Plaid
Sportcoat is reaching for the handle, LLOYD RUNS BY AND GRABS IT. He CONTINUES UP
THE ESCALATOR three steps at a time. The two men look at each other, dumbstruck.
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - BOARDING GATE
Lloyd runs with the briefcase to the TV monitors that post the departure times. He looks
frantically at the confusion of numbers.
LLOYD:
Damn!
QUICK CUT of a dejected Lloyd looking out the window as he watches as Mary's airplane taxiing
away.
Lloyd comes out with the briefcase, passing the two men, who FOLLOW HIM AT A
DISTANCE. He starts walking down the sidewalk when suddenly he STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.
HIS POV - his limo is being towed away � under the supervision of the Police Officer.
He takes off after it, but to no avail.
LLOYD:
You can't do this! I'll lose my job!
As Lloyd watches the limo get towed out of site, he runs his fingers through his hair.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON
We see the Mutt Cuts van pull up and park at the curb. A dejected Harry climbs out. At the same
time, a taxi pulls up and drops off Lloyd. (He's clutching Mary Swanson's briefcase.) Both he and
Harry climb the steps of the building. They disappear inside without acknowledging each other.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET - a black Cadillac pulls up and parks. Inside are the
Armani suit and the Sportcoat. They are J.P. SHAY and JOSEPH MENTALINO (aka JOE
MENTAL).
MENTAL:
Who the hell do you figure this guy's
working for?
SHAY:
I don't know, but we'd better find
out�
Mental takes some PILLS and starts CHOMPING them.
SHAY (CONT.)
Your ulcer?
MENTAL:
It ain't gonna kill me.
INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR
Lloyd and Harry trudge up the stairs and proceed silently toward the door of their apartment.
Lloyd and Harry ENTER and pass each other quietly as they both plunk down in their favorite
easy chairs. (Lloyd still has the briefcase in his lap.) Harry's caged parakeet, PETEY, tweets hello,
but the two guys just sit there SILENTLY.
The place is a mess. Wallpaper's peeling off the walls. The carpet is threadbare and filthy. In the
corner we see a miniature WORM FARM and a large terrarium filled with dirt and worms. Here
are a couple pieces of haggard furniture with stuffing spilling out of the gashes.
HARRY:
I got fired again.
Lloyd shakes his head.
LLOYD:
I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but
let's face it, you are one pathetic
loser. No offense.
HARRY:
None taken. Were you shitcanned,
too?
LLOYD:
Of course not.
(beat)
I quit.
HARRY:
Why'd you quit?
LLOYD:
I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire
me.
HARRY:
Why didn't you wait and see if
your suspicions were well-founded?
LLOYD:
Winners control their own destiny,
Har.
Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one to him.
HARRY:
You know, the thing that really chaps
my ass is that I just spent my life
savings turning my van into a poodle.
(beat)
The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
LLOYD:
Big deal. That car's an old bomb
anyway.
HARRY:
What are you talking about? It's
only six years old.
LLOYD:
That's forty-two in dog years.
They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry notices the briefcase.
HARRY:
What's with the briefcase?
LLOYD:
It's a love memento.
HARRY:
Huh?
LLOYD:
The most beautiful woman alive. Her
name was Mary. I drove her to the
airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran
high, breasts heaved. She left this
case in the terminal and flew to
Aspen and out of my life. End of
story.
HARRY:
What's in it?
LLOYD:
snooping around in someone else's
private property?
HARRY:
Why not?
LLOYD:
(beat)
It's locked.
They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the
parakeet starts to SQUAWK. The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to the
PEEPHOLE.
HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental are standing at the door.
LLOYD:
(WHISPERING to Harry)
Friend or foe?
HARRY:
(WHISPERING)
We don't have any friends.
Harry is still squinting out the peephole.
HARRY:
Can't recognize them. Could be
student loan thugs again, or the IRS,
or maybe somebody pissed off about
that case of Girl Scout cookies you
bounced a check on.
LLOYD:
Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The
little swindlers gave me Peanut
Butter Praline.
HARRY:
Well, whoever they are, they look
serious. One of them's even wearing
plaid.
LLOYD:
(cringing)
That's a hostile pattern. I say we
bail and get down to unemployment.
Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the window and down the fire
escape.
CUT TO:
EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON
The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE
HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out. Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE
HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY.
INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON
STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs.
GRABNER:
Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that
neither I nor the unemployment
department of the state of Rhose
Island can do anything for you.
(beat)
You've run out of chances. You're
unemployable. Remember last year?
Middle of winter I busted my butt to
get you both prime jobs. Twelve-
fifty an hour, and you went and blew
it!
LLOYD:
Blew it? For your information, we
only missed three days in two months.
HARRY:
Yeah, and that was because of a
blizzard
GRABNER:
(exploding)
Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted.
HARRY:
Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find
something else for us. How about
another crack at that Suicide
Hotline?
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