Waiting For Guffman Page #2

Just minor surgery.

I've been

working here at the d.q.

For about, um...

I don't know.

Something like that.

It's fun.

You just do the cones.

Make sundaes,

make blizzards, and...

put stuff on 'em and...

see a lot of people come in.

A lot of people

come to the d.q.

Burgers. Ice cream.

Anything, you know?

Cokes. Just drive in

and get a coke,

if you're thirsty.

Everybody thinks that roswell

was the first sighting

of a ufo

in the united states,

and that's bull roar.

We had the first sighting

here in 1946.

And it wasrt just a sighting.

They didn't just fly by.

They stopped. They landed.

The people in blaine

went onboard the ship

for a potluck dinner.

I've been coming out

to this landing site

every day for 2 years

to measure it.

And here's the thing...

the circumference

and the diameter change

by a few inches,

yet the radius

remains the same.

Which brings me back

to the number 5.

There are 5 letters

in the name "blaine."

Mix the word "blaine" up,

mix it around,

eventually,

you'll get "nebali."

Neball...

the name of the planet

in a galaxy way, way...

way... far away.

I'll tell you another thing.

Once you step inside

this circle,

The weather never changes.

It is always 67 degrees

with a 40% chance of rain.

Always.

L... i love

to make people laugh,

and i've been doing it

since...

you know, school.

People ask me,

"were you a..."

you know, "you must have been

the class clown."

And i say, uh,

"no, i wasrt."

But i sat beside

the class clown,

and I... i studied him,

and, uh, and saw

how he made people laugh.

And so i picked some things up,

and, uh, you know,

and at parties

and family functions,

i have to say, i love,

you know, breaking people up.

So, there's a thing

that i think i got...

a... a... an entertaining bug

from my grandfather, uh,

chaim progot

who was very, very big

in the yiddish theater

back in new york.

He was in the... the very...

the sardonically irreverent

I said more ham.

And that revue,

i believe, was 1914,

and that revue

is what made him famous.

Incidentally, the song

bubbee made a kishke

came from that revue.

My... my father, bless him,

brought me

into... into the business.

This was his dental practice,

uh, before,

and i joke with my wife

that, uh, you know,

at that point,

that's when the, uh,

the money

started rolling in.

You know.

Brave making m-more wampum

to buy pelts.

One happy squaw in wigwam.

Happy as mongoose.

That, uh...

is, of course,

from johnny carson who, uh...

one of my heroes

in a very funny bit.

When i see lips

waiting to be kissed

I can't stop

I can't stop

For that lightning,

oh, it's striking

Again

Yeah

Lightning's striking

Again and

again and again and

I'm going to do a scene

from the movieraging bull.

You f***ed my wife?

What?

You f***ed my wife?

How can you ask me

a question like that?

How can you ask me?

I'm your brother

and you ask me that?

Where do you get the balls

big enough to ask me that?

Basically for

the last 15 years,

i have been

the music teacher

at blaine high,

um, and part of my job,

and a very

important part

is to put on a show

every year,

which i have done

completely by myself.

This year it's going

to be different

because corky,

being from new york,

being a professional

and having put on some very

theatrical productions here,

uh, is going to be

directing the show this year

and i'm going to be

the musical director,

which is different for me.

Teacher's pet

I wanna be teacher's pet

I want to be

huddled and cuddled

And close to you

as i can get

Teacher's pride

I wanna be teacher's pride

Dr. Pearl! How are you?

Ron albertson.

Yes, ron.

My wife sheila.

You remember her

from previous bills.

Hello, sheila.

What are you

doing here?

I'm here, you know,

trying out for the big show.

Congratulations.

No, why are you

here really?

I'm... i told my wife

i'd come out for this show.

You know, i thought

i'd give it a shot.

Give it your best shot,

which won't be the first

shot you ever gave.

Hope it doesn't leave corky

numb like most of them.

It's like pulling teeth

to get a discount from him.

Why don't you give some

caramels to the little girl?

Future customers and all.

So

I can be teacher's pet

Long after

school is through

Teacher, teacher,

i love you

Whoa!

High

Ahem. Maybe just...

ahhh. Mmm.

I dream of jeanie

With

the light brown hair

Floating like a vapor

On the soft summer air

Look out!

Camptown races

sing this song

Doo-dah, doo-dah

Camptown racetrack

Oh, doo-dah day

Gwine to run all night

Gwine to run all day

Bet my money

on the bob-tail nag

?

Somebody bet on the bay?

Bay, bay, bay

Way down

upon the swannee ribber

Floating like

A vapor

On the soft summer

Air

Air

That was...

very nice.

Very good.

Very good.

Well, thank you,

dr. Pearl.

Well, thank you very much.

We'll let you know.

Very good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

He can

actually sing.

He's good.

wow.

The albertsons?

Ding-dong.

Oh!

I wonder who knows i'm

vacationing here at the oasis.

Am i late?

You!

Surprised?

How did you find me?

I have my ways.

Would you like to

come in for coffee?

You don't need to answer

There's no need

to speak

I'll be

your belly dancer

Prancer

And i will be

your sheik

I don't need

a harem, honey

When you're

by my side

And you won't

need a camel

No, no

When i take

you for a ride

We'll need some coffee to go

with that ride, won't we?

You're always

full of surprises.

But, say, i wonder,

do we have time

for that coffee?

What time is it?

What time is it? Havert

you been paying attention?

It's

Midnight at the oasis

Thank you.

Oh... good.

That was great.

Really good.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks for coming.

Should we leave the...?

Why don't you

put that back there?

Yeah.

Strike it?

We've done a few shows

for corky before,

so we know all

the terms going in.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.

It was really fun.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow.

I'm feeling good

about where we stand now

with our cast.

I think that the elements,

as dr. Watson said to sherlock,

"are coming together, sir."

I'm very excited

about ron and sheila,

the old standbys,

the work horses.

I call them

the lunts of blaine.

Allan pearl. Interesting.

How do these...

where do they come from?

Sure, i'd seen him around.

It would never have occurred

to me to walk up

to the dentist and say,

"are you interested in this?"

But i was shopping

for my wife bonnie...

i buy most of her clothes...

and mrs. Pearl

was in the same shop.

And it just was an accident.

We started talking

about pantyhose.

She was saying... that's not

the point of the story,

but what the point is

was that through

this accidental meeting,

it's like, you know,

it's like

a hitchcock movie

where you're thrown

into a rubber bag

and put in

the trunk of a car.

You find people.

You find them.

Something. Is it karma?

Maybe.

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