Waiting For Guffman Page #3

But we found him,

that's the important thing.

And i got bonnie

a wonderful pants suit.

They took me off

into a separate room.

I seen 'em taking

different people off.

Different ones of us off

in separate rooms.

They put me on

a big white table

and, uh, the guy

that take me there,

the one of them that took me

in there to examine me,

he probed me.

I was in there i bet

more than 3 or 4 hours,

in that room being probed.

And at one time or another,

there's different

ones of them come in,

at different times,

and all of them probed me.

Not all at once, you know.

Individually.

Later on, years later,

now even still,

it's a funny thing.

It happened on a sunday,

and every sunday

about the time

that i was taken

onboard that ship,

i find i have

no feelings in my buttocks.

Casting a show is really

only the beginning

of the process.

There's also

the whole design concept,

what fabrics will work

for the costumes,

the lighting,

and it really becomes

a wrasslir match, i guess,

between me

and the muse of theater,

and most of all, dance.

I'd like you

to close your eyes now,

and i'd like you to try

something, all right?

Now, what are you thinking,

what are you feeling right now

with your eyes closed?

I feel a bree... you're

blowing in my ear.

All right, but, see,

you jumped to a conclusion.

Oh.

See, what i'm asking for is

your first feeling was not

that i was blowing on you,

it was more like...

virgin isles or

bahamanian or arubian.

Yes.

Yeah, he's at his rehearsal.

He's at his first rehearsal.

I don't know

what they're doing

'cause i never been

to one before,

but i bet they're introducing

themselves to each other.

You know, it's gonna be nice

to meet

some of these new folks,

'cause we don't socialize

with the creative types.

We got our scrabble club

and stuff,

and, um, you know,

and other people

with babies.

Right. Good.

Oh, the exercises

all mean something.

Even if you don't know what.

Dr. Pearl,

well, he'll come around,

and he'll learn like ron and

sheila and i have learned

that corky has a vision.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoo!

Oh!

You!

Forget about it! Ha ha!

Ha ha! I went like this.

Forget about it. Ha ha!

With her it's ok,

but with him,

he thought... ha ha!

I, uh, i'm walking

on air, you know.

This is a sensation

which is... forget it.

When i became a dentist,

i thought i was happy,

but this is... this is

making me nervous now,

because i could have

wasted a lot of years.

I must say

i was very shocked to see

that dr. Pearl had

actually been cast.

Then i thought...

we're in a glamor profession,

being travel agents,

and he isn't in

such a glamorous...

one project,

we have to loosen him up.

I have a feeling

he's a little tight.

Particularly when

he's around us probably.

I don't think

he'll mind jokes.

You're intimidating,

ron...

i can't help it.

Because you have

so much experience.

Ron is going to help

everyone act,

'cause i know

ron gives me...

well, in all the productions

we've been in,

and when we do scene studies

at home together,

ron will have extensive,

you know, hour, 2-hour

sessions of notes for me,

and it's so helpful.

It's notes

for both of us.

No, but lately...

you get most of them.

He's trying to help me

to change my instincts

or at least ignore them.

Listen,

let me tell you why i'm here.

We're doing a show.

I won't beat around the bush.

We're doing a show

that i've written

about the 150th anniversary

of blaine,

and i know

you're an old blainian.

Yes?

And you're really right

for one of the parts.

It's the narrator

in the show.

One of the actor parts?

Yeah.

Oh, i don't know.

I've heard... i think

you're being modest

because i've heard

you've had some history

in show business.

Well, you know i did have,

i had a hankering

to be an actor

when i was a young fella,

when i got out of

the coast guard,

but i went to taxidermy

school instead.

Well, i took

a correspondence course.

Uh-huh.

I'll tell you something,

mr. Wooley,

what i'm looking for

in my shows are actors

and people that are

willing to work hard.

Well, yeah, i'm a hard worker

as you can see.

I love all the work

you've done.

That's a little gun rack

made out of deer hooves.

Oh, yeah.

Boy, i didn't know

deers could do that.

I know this

comes out of left field,

but i'm looking

for another actor.

And i was wondering

if you had any interest

in participating

in the show.

Does that appeal to you

in any way?

I'm not much of an actor,

i'm sorry.

I've never done that,

anything like that before.

Uh-huh.

Ok, fair enough,

but it might be

interesting, you know,

after, uh...

do you get off tonight?

What time do you

get off tonight?

Well, i get off at 8:00.

At 8:
00 tonight?

Yeah.

Really? That's...

that's a long day.

Yeah.

Hey, dad,

this is, uh, mr...

st. Clair.

St. Clair.

He's a drama guy.

Yeah, and, um, at 8:00

you're off, though?

Right.

Yeah.

I have to tell you i'm not

much of an actor or singer.

Well, you know what?

That's what

charles laughton said.

You know?

And look what happened.

Did you change the fan belt

on that blue chevy?

No, i haven't

done that yet.

When you get done here,

will you get on that?

Yeah.

Um, so,

how tall are you?

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

It's all the same

When we say, "nothing

ever happens in blaine,"

could we try you two

singing "blaine,"

where we really hear

the "ne" at the end.

And you guys just go,

"nothing ever happens in blai."

Don't say the "ne."

They say the nes.

And the same thing...

"nothing ever happens,

it's all the same."

And you sing,

"it's all the sa."

Let's try it once,

ok, jean?

i know it's hard

to jump into this,

because it must seem

like a, you know...

a new world,

but we're gonna

ease you into it.

And if you ever

have any questions,

you can always call me up.

I'll give you my...

i have a private number.

It's not listed,

so don't lose it.

And do not give it out

to... to anyone.

"How high a ridge,

i could not tell,

for the sun,

the sun has..."

not pinching your shirt.

I want, you see...

hook in those thumbs.

Thumbs?

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah.

Just... that's right.

"How high a ridge,

i could not tell..."

see what's happening

with your voice already?

'Cause it's almost as if you're

squeezing your boobies out,

and it's... it's going to be

going out into that audience.

Pushing it

right out there.

I could try a "how."

"How... how high a ridge,

i could not tell..."

Keep in time.

Ok.

Right.

Robin in the nest.

Ok.

Right.

Good.

This'll dominate the show.

By the pool

In the school

by the fires of yule

It's the rule

There's a stool,

there's a stool

Stools are where

Once upon a time

you'd find a chair

A chair's for fools

Everybody wants stools

Stool boom

From the parlor

to the pool room

?

Everyone knows our name?

Whose script

is that?

Stool...

Oh, sorry.

No, drool.

You will...

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