100 Girls Page #8

a superman.

Cool.

I had learned something

from Rod's groinular fixation.

His horror was my horror too.

It was everymen's horror.

Deny we may, but we're all

afraid of women.

Every single one of them.

Time had run out.

Finals were in a week. Soon,

everyone would be leaving the dorms.

The next semester, some would

relocate to off-campus housing.

If I had any hope for finding

my cosmetic destiny...

I had to face

my greatest fear.

I went to the Vault and declared

my love in front of 1OOgirls.

I'm Matt.

I explained everything done

for my cosmetic destiny.

My speech must be

my Sistine Chapel...

my Ninth Symphony,

my "Citizen Kane".

My words needed to be

more inspirational...

than Martin Luther King's

"l Have a Dream" speech.

They had to be more miraculous than

Mark McGuire's 7th home run.

I used impressive words like

"destiny", "soul mate", "yearnings".

It takes a big man to yearn.

I put my heart out.

Without you, I'm as lonely as an

abandoned dog in the highway!

I have gift anxiety. Even though I

don't know when your birthday is!

We can spend perfect days

shopping and cooking together.

I'll never make wise cracks...

when you scrape your tires against

the curb or parallel parking.

If you concede to live with me,

I'll clean the toilette every week.

I'll do it with my tongue

if you ask.

I'll strike the words "hooters" and

"love rockets" from my vocabulary.

I'll love you even if you are Mimi

and you want me to say "May-May".

I'll only pass gas underneath the

covers in the direst circumstances.

I'll go on a low-cholesterol diet.

And I won't buy a red sports car

when I have my mid-life crisis.

Your parents can come

visit us every week.

Even if your mom is a

big witch with a capital B.

Your folks don't have to

go to a retirement home.

They can live with us. I declare, I'll

separate the whites from the colors...

I'll learn the mysteries of hot

water and cold water washes.

I'll never huff and puff waiting

for you to put on your make-up.

If you're a cat person, I'll never

say that a dog can save your life.

I'll happily go see flicks with you,

like "Pride and Prejudice".

I'll make a point to try new foods,

like okra gumbo.

I won't turn my nose at vegetables

whose awful taste...

is disguised by having

cheese put on it.

I pledge to always say "yes" when

you ask, "is my hair looking okay?"

I'm gonna bring a whole new

meaning to the word "cuddle".

I'll be thoughtful enough to

read you horoscope everyday.

I'm gonna save every

birthday card you send me.

And I'll actually write you

real letters when we're apart.

I'm never gonna expect you to

know where I left my car keys...

and I'll never leave

my socks on the floor.

With me, you'll find the cap's

always on the toothpaste.

I'll start wearing those male

bikini underwear if you like.

My belly-button will

always be free.

I wanna kiss your clitoris.

It will be the most passionate,

intimate experience you ever had.

I declare now,

I'll give my life for you.

If you fail to come to me...

I know some part of me

will surely die.

I'm the one, Matt!

No, I'm the one!

No, I'm the girl

from the elevator!

Shut up!

I'm the one!

I'm not the one,

but I'll go out with you!

My God.

I could have my choice

of any girl.

Whoever wanted

could be the mystery girl.

It' eat me up inside if didn't

find my true cosmetic destiny.

I would always wonder

who it might have been.

It was here

I knew it!

I raced to the door of the girl

who never came out of her room.

There she was.

My once and future love.

I'm not the girl.

She's a couple of doors down.

Patty, I know it's you.

- Go away.

- Patty...

You fell in love with

another girl in that elevator.

I'm not that girl.

- I fell in love with you.

- No, you didn't.

I tried to make you love me,

but you were in love with her.

Why do you think that?

By the way you look at me.

Go away.

is that what you really want?

Yeah, that's what I want.

Buck up, man. It looks like you got

weights dangling from your dangler.

- Smile.

- It wasn't my dangler...

that had weights on it.

It was my heart.

Check it out.

The bust got busted.

It was only my first time.

I swear.

I told her not to use water-soluble

link. Her cheat note sweat through.

Cynthia's having a good semester.

She found something she's good at.

Those heavy ant cellulite pants

built up the strength in her legs.

For an actual attacker...

...you do something like that.

- She can kick some ass!

The coach says, he's never

seen anything like it.

And that concludes the martial

arts demonstration for the night.

The last day of class, I dropped the

bomb on Elsa, she-wolf of the SS.

Ms. Stern, I'm sick of coming into

your class three days a week...

and hearing my sex is responsible

for all the problems in the world.

You don't give us any

room for questioning.

Part of the problem is feminist.

There's just too many "ist".

Feminist, chauvinist, capitalist,

communist, racist, sexist.

They fight one another, instead of

trying to understand one another.

The only "ist" that

should be are humanists.

- I agree with Matt!

- I applaud him!

Elsa couldn't respond.

She just stood there...

as if she heard the distant

roar of the allied bombers...

coming to destroy her

propaganda machine.

Without his tongue, Crick sounded

like he was mentally challenged.

And although Crick would

never sweet-talk a girl again...

he still needed to be

accounted for his actions.

I made the ultimate sacrifice a man

can make to get rid of him forever.

You're not gonna

bother her again.

- You go to hell!

- I'm turning you in.

- What for?

- I fought through the shame.

I'm going to the police.

You sexually assaulted me.

- You'll never prove it.

- My bravery inspired others.

- He did it to me too!

- Me too.

- And me.

- Together, we put Crick away.

Wendy had a big confession.

I'm a lesbian.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was afraid of what people might

think. Specially my parents.

Why are you telling me now?

I think I can deal

with it now.

That's why I initially helped you

with your search.

I was hoping that while you

were out finding your girl...

you might find one for me.

So I fixed her up

with Arlene...

who I discovered practiced

an alternative life-style too.

It was a big week. also found

time to fix Dora and Rod up.

Their night was electrifying, and

they've been to get her ever since.

I don't know what it was.

Maybe it was the romantic

power of candlelight...

but I decided to

give it one last try.

I've been watching you

And all you do

For quite some time

Knowing all the ins

And outs of you

Is would've known

What was on your mind

But all the world is

Spinning round and round

Inside my head tonight

I remembered what

Patty talked about.

There's a certain way a man

stares at the woman he loves.

The man looks like

a boy on his birthday.

He treats the woman as if she were

a gift he's waited so long to open...

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