17 Again Page #2

Of course I came.

What bridesmaid would I be if I

didn't hold your hand during the divorce?

Now, just remember.

The first one's always the hardest.

- Mike.

- Naomi.

- Naomi.

- I don't care.

Let's get going. We got to get you ready.

Back on the market.

Yeah, I'm a real catch.

Single mom with two teenage kids

and manure caked under my fingernails.

You'll do great. You got the butt

of a 12-year-old boy.

That's terrific.

I hope our daughter heard that.

Ugh. When was the last time you waxed?

Bye, Mike.

Bye.

MAN:

You're sure about that?

Jesus.

Hey! Get off of there!

Oh, no. Hello?

Hello?! Hello?!

What the?

Oh, no!

Oh, man.

Ned?

Thief!

No, no, no, Ned!

Ned, no, no, no! It's me!

Stop! Stop!

Ned?

Oh, wow. I feel great.

Ha, ha.

What are you doing? No, Ned.

- Aah! Aah!

- No.

No, no, no, Ned!

Ned! Come on! It's me, it's Mike!

Ned, Ned, Ned, I'm telling you,

I'm telling you, stop it! Stop it! Now!

Oh.

An elegant weapon...

...from a more civilized time.

Hey, it's me! It's Mike O'Donnell,

your best friend!

You have an undescended testicle.

Googleable!

Ned!

You helped me cheat on my math test,

but I got caught.

Public record!

You asked Princess Leia to junior prom.

Covered by the local news.

I can't breathe!

I can't breathe!

Please.

- Oh!

- Ha, ha!

Oh, my God.

No, no, no.

Ned, Ned.

Oh, my God.

Would you stop staring at me?

- It's freaking me out.

- It's freaking me out!

I'm pubescent!

Okay. So, uh...

...it's a classic transformation story.

It appears in the literature

time and time again.

Were you at any point shot

by a gamma ray?

- No.

- Exposed to gamma radiation of any kind?

- No, Ned.

- No?

You wouldn't see it. Okay.

That eliminates these and those

and most of that side.

Are you now or have you ever been...

...a Norse god, vampire,

or time-traveling cyborg?

I've known you since, what, first grade?

I would have told you.

Vampire wouldn't tell.

Cyborg wouldn't know.

Shut up.

Okay, if it's not any of those,

I guess, um, we're looking at your basic...

...spirit guide transformation magic.

That's kind of a biggie, actually.

That is here.

When the hero...

- I guess that's... I guess, you.

- Hm.

Uh, is transformed by his spirit guide...

...to set him on a new path.

- Which is what?

- Do I look like your spirit guide?

The janitor.

The janitor.

You guys seen the janitor?

You seen the janitor?

- Do you know where the janitor is?

No.

Hey, where's the janitor?

Where does the janitor work?

- Excuse me!

- You all right, kid?

- There's another janitor who works here.

- Just me.

No, no. There's an older guy

with white hair who works here.

I was here yesterday talking to the janit...

I showed him this picture of me.

You?

- Yeah.

That picture's from 1989.

Right. Forget it.

Alex!

Alex, buddy!

Alex!

Hello?

Spirit guide?

What am I supposed to do?

Don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Ouch. Oh, ow.

I got shot. Did I get shot or did I get...?

Someone got powned.

- It's a grenade.

Ned.

Aah! Oh, sorry. Teenage you.

I figured it out.

I figured out what I'm supposed to do.

I figured out what my spirit guide

wants me to do.

I'm going back.

I'm going back to high school, Ned!

No! No, no. No way.

Your spirit guide would not waste

transformation magic...

...on you reliving your senior year

and going to prom. No.

Ned, this is my chance to have my life over,

but to do it right.

- Wouldn't you, if you had the chance?

- No.

I'm rich, and nobody stuck

my head in a toilet today.

Sure. Besides, it's not just about me.

- It's about you.

- No, it's much bigger than me.

- It's about you.

- Okay, maybe it's about me...

...but what's wrong with that?

I have not done anything

for me since 1989.

You do what you have to do. But don't

think about sucking me into this with you.

Hayden was the low point

of my existence...

...and I vowed I would never go back

to that godforsaken place!

Never, ever, ever!

Never! Never, ever, ever!

I hate you.

Hello.

I'm here to enroll my son...

...in school.

Mark.

What's up?

So...

So we'll just have a seat

till you're ready for us.

We'll be right, uh... Okay.

What's this you're wearing?

This is cool. This is hip. I have a picture

of Kevin Federline wearing the same thing.

- I don't know who that is.

- What are you wearing?

- I told you, like a dad.

- I am.

- You look like Clay Aiken.

- Leave him out of this.

Are you sure these look legit?

- Oh, yeah. Look who you're talking to.

I'm the guy who invented the software

that prevents people from stealing music.

I also invented the software

that helps people steal music...

...but that's a happy coincidence.

What is that?

Oh, my G...

- Wrong. These are for me.

- You kidding?

- What's-her-name and Chewie's for me.

- Miss Masterson will see you now.

Let's go.

Just don't try to be funny, all right?

Say as little as possible.

Hey, watch where you're going, toolbag.

- So sorry, sir. Our fault.

- Stan.

Hello. I'm Jane Masterson,

principal here at Hayden High.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

- Hi.

Uh, okay.

Yeah, I think we're good here.

Sorry.

I think our hands just made a baby.

Excuse my dad. He's not used to

talking to attractive women.

Oh, thank you...

- Mark.

Mark...

...for that flattering

yet totally inappropriate comment.

Please sit.

Before we get started, I think you should

know that, uh, Mark's a bastard.

Excuse me?

I had him out of wedlock, so...

...I'm single.

And I'm very rich.

Okay.

- Did you bring your transcripts?

- Oh, yeah.

Transcripts.

Last school you went to was

Cutler High in Connecticut.

Straight-A student. Very impressive.

Math club...

...National Merit finalist...

...Coney Island

Hot Dog Eating Champion.

Well, I think Hayden

would be lucky to have you.

- Welcome.

- Thank you.

Uh, yes, Mr. Gold.

Do you have a question?

Your hair is pretty.

Ah. Not a question, but thank you.

Would the lady mind if I smelled it?

Now is probably a good time to tell you

that I don't date students' parents.

Well, maybe I should tell you that I never

don't not date the principal of my child.

Okay, come on, Dad. Come on, Dad.

Let's go.

I was about to close!

You have to do it right now?

Just calm down. You're a dad.

- Hi. Oh, my gosh. We're in.

- You see her undress me with her eyes?

I don't think that's what that was.

Hey. Wow. I don't know how we did it.

It's Maggie's friends. Watch this.

- Hey, girls, how's it going?

Do I know you?

What'd you do, mug K-Fed?

Welcome to the bottom

of the food chain.

Hey, look, you always had

my back in high school, okay?

So if your spirit guide

wants you to be a fake teenager...

...and me to be your fake dad...

...the least I can do is make sure

that my fake son doesn't look...

...like a total douche.

- I don't look like a douche.

What a douche.

We're going shopping.

- Really?

- Yes, your shirt is bedazzled.

Bedazzled with rhinestones.

Ooh.

Let's go to school.

Hey, yo, check it out.

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