17 Again Page #3

That's just rude.

What's up, dude?

What are you looking at, punk?

- Watch it.

- Wake up, douche.

Sorry.

No phones, no texting.

Settle, people. Settle down.

Take the roughhousing outside, class.

Hello?

- Hello?

- Where the hell are you?

Oh, cr...

- The thing.

You mean our divorce?

Do you take any of this seriously?

No, no! Yes, I take this seriously.

I had to leave the country

very suddenly, uh...

...with the Mayan... Inca,

I'm with the Incas in Peru.

We think we might have found the next...

...Rogaine.

Are you with a girl?

No, no. It's, uh, a bunch of cheerleaders.

So would you consider

maybe dating a 10th-grader?

I think we could go for full custody.

No, you can't take my kids

away from me.

Since when do you care?

Look...

...I'm a lot closer to them than you think.

Let's reschedule, okay?

Hey, Maggie.

Um, why is the new kid waving at me?

I don't know.

But if that boy were an apple...

...he'd be a Delicious.

Oh, God.

Gosh, we are all in such great shape.

Oh, jeez.

Man, you know, I will tell you something.

In 10 years you're going

to have this thing right here...

...that no amount of crunches will

get rid of. And spot reduction, total lie.

You know, I...

Never mind. Give me the ball.

Fakes right, goes left.

And signature move.

Kid.

- I'm Coach Murphy.

- Oh, wow.

- You're still here?

- What?

You're a legend.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Twenty years.

It's actually my last one.

Good hops, kid. Nice handle.

We're looking for a point guard.

Oh, yeah?

- Why don't you come to tryouts?

- Okay.

- I'm done talking to you.

- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, how's it going?

MIKE:

Things are looking up.

Coach Murphy practically

put me on the team.

That's not a coincidence.

We're on the path.

That's great. That's super you're finding

your destiny and, blah, blah, whatever.

Here's something.

I need you to do something for me.

I need you to get in trouble.

Not, like, big trouble.

Just enough trouble so that the principal

needs to meet with your father.

Yeah, okay, well, we'll see.

- Oh! Boom.

BOY Ned!

Boom. Checkmate, Samir!

- Damn it!

Checkmate.

Uh, can I get a little help in here?

Alex?

How does it...?

- Who did this to you?

- The basketball team.

But why? Why? You're one of them.

You're popular.

Uh, look, this is kind of personal,

and I don't know you.

- I'm taped to the toilet.

- Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm Mark Gold, uh,

your uncle Ned's kid. I just started here.

Oh, cool. Cool, yeah.

Well, I'd shake your hand...

...but it's taped to my ass.

- Right. Right.

Would you mind?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Yeah, um.

- Just rip.

- I'm going to get it.

- Band-Aid.

- Go for it.

So how come we never met?

My mom didn't want anyone to know

she had a kid with Ned.

- That makes sense.

- Yeah.

So since we're practically

family and all...

...my dad says we should just

keep an eye on each other, you know?

Uh, yeah. Why not?

Next time you could get there

before they tape me to the toilet.

You got it.

This looks good.

Who's that?

Oh, uh...

- Nicole.

- Are you two going out?

No, no, she's the, uh, head cheerleader.

She'd never go out with me.

You know, when I first met

your mother, I was so nervous...

You met my mother?

- What?

- My mother.

You said, "The first time I met

your mother, I was nervous. "

- Oh, that's weird. Is your mom hot?

- Dude, what...?

- What do I say to that?

- I was joking. Joking, dude.

Stan.

I hate that guy.

- Oh.

- Thanks.

What?

- Huh.

- Freshman.

Good sandwich.

Is that the guy

who taped you to the toilet?

Yeah.

Yesterday he shoved me in a

washing machine in my own house.

- What was that jerk doing at your house?

- It's Maggie's boyfriend.

Maggie has a boyfriend?

Well...

...I'm very disappointed in your sister.

He's looking. Don't make eye contact.

He's kind of temperamental.

- You're looking. Stop it, stop it.

- I'll look at him.

Hey, twinkle douche.

If I wanted you in the cafeteria,

I would've taped you to a lunch lady.

You little punk.

You don't talk to him that way.

Yeah?

What are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

First...

...I'm going to call your father.

Heads up!

Give me my ball back, b*tch.

You know, Stan, I feel sorry for you.

- You don't know me.

- Oh, but I do.

All too well.

You're the man.

Captain of the basketball team.

Dates the pretty girls.

High school is your kingdom.

But, people...

...Stan's a bully.

Why?

It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys

on the weak simply because he's a dick.

No.

No, no.

Stan here...

...is much more complex than that.

See, according to leading psychiatrists...

...Stan's a bully for one of three reasons.

One:

Underneath all of that male bravado...

...there's an insecure little girl banging

on the closet door trying to get out.

Two:

Like a caveman...

...Stan's brain is...

...underdeveloped.

Therefore, Stan is unable

to use self-control.

And so he acts out aggressively.

And the third reason:

Stan has a small wiener.

Don't hurt yourself, big boy.

Whoa, whoa, hey. Drinking age is still 21,

thank you very much.

Unless your spirit guide gave you

a fake ID, this is mine.

What are you eating?

I don't even know.

I just know I'm hungry.

All the time.

Okay, that's not safe or sanitary.

That's your can now.

We'll label it like that.

So, what did you learn at school today?

- That I'm a bad dad.

- I thought it was going great.

It was going fantastic for me.

And then what?

And then I found out my son spent the

last year being the school punching bag...

...and watched my daughter get a

tongue bath from a psychopathic jackass.

High school's delightful, isn't it?

Yeah. But I think I was wrong

about my spirit path.

And who was right? See? I told you.

I told you high school

was the wrong thing.

High school was right,

but it's not about basketball.

It's about helping Alex and Maggie.

Mmm.

All right. I'm getting out of here.

- Disgusting.

- My kids need their father.

- What's going on?

- Oh, hey, Mark.

What was that?

A three-pointer.

Can you do that twice in a row?

Okay. Let's see you do it

with a little pressure.

Wow, you're great.

You should be on the team.

You should be on the team.

I'm going to get you on the team.

That's it. That'll solve everything.

Dude, what are you talking about?

Nothing.

Well, that was fun. I haven't been to

happy hour in, like, a week and a half.

Naomi, thank you so much.

That is exactly what I needed.

Oh, great.

Mike who?

- Mike who? I've never heard of the guy.

Ow.

Hey, Mom, this is Mark,

Uncle Ned's bastard.

Wow.

I know. Someone had a kid

with Uncle Ned. Ew.

You okay, Mrs. O'Donnell?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's "Ms.," kid. It's "Ms.," Scarlet.

Don't forget that.

Oh, right.

Wow.

You look just like my husband.

Doesn't he?

- My ex-husband. That is so weird.

- Heh, heh.

It is weird.

What is that?

Scarlet, I need you to come.

Weird.

- Do you see that?

- I did see it.

You see him?

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