17 Again Page #4

- She's nice.

But look at him.

You gotta let that guy go,

just out of your brain and move on.

I know you need to grieve

a relationship. It's only natural.

Okay.

You wait here.

I'm going to go smell him.

No, no, no. Sweetie.

You're not allowed to smell teenagers.

Sweetie, you need to hear me on this.

Here's the thing.

The other thing,

you need to acknowledge...

...that he looks exactly like Mike

used to look in high school.

We discussed that. I have looked at him.

But, honey, this is the thing:

You need to hook up with someone new.

Yeah, I deserve to have somebody

smile at me and tell me I'm pretty.

- You do.

- Even if it is...

...to just get me to go home with him.

Or lunch. But, yes, we're gonna

find you a new playmate. Ow!

You little turd. You little snot.

My bad. Gosh, I'm so sorry.

I guess I was, uh, kind of distracted,

as I imagine Alex was...

...at hearing about how his mother,

who is still married, by the way...

...is planning to run around

with every guy she can get.

In Afghanistan, she'd be dragged through

the streets by goats with her hands cut off.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying, Naomi.

- Naomi.

- I don't care.

- Hey, guys.

Oh.

Okay, settle down. Take your seats.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Stan.

Thank you.

Okay, today we will be continuing

our discussion on human sexuality.

And as we discussed,

the official school policy is abstinence.

Now, that is very sensible.

I'm glad that someone here

has their head screwed on straight.

I think all of us should make a pact

to abstain from sex.

Now, who's with me, you guys?

Come on.

Oh, my God.

- Maggie?

- Hm?

However, let's get real.

I know asking high school seniors

to be abstinent...

...is like asking a porcupine

to poop goat cheese. Yuck.

So since the majority of you are or will

become sexually active at some point...

But that point should be way,

way in the future, right?

Well, the official school position...

...is that we prepare you

for safe sex now.

So please take one and pass it down.

I have needs.

- You don't need these.

Stan, give one to Mark.

No. No, you know what, he's right.

He's right. I don't need one.

You know why I don't need one?

Because there's no one I'm in love with.

It's called "making love," isn't it?

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think that

means you do it with someone you love.

And preferably when you're married.

You know, when you're ready to take

that love and turn it into a baby.

Because that's what love is.

It's that first moment

when you hold your baby girl...

...and you didn't know that anything

could be so small or so delicate.

And you feel that tiny heart beat...

...and you know that you couldn't love

anything more in the whole world.

And you hope that you can do right

by that little girl...

...and always be there to catch her when

she falls, and that nothing ever hurts her.

Not a broken arm...

...or a bad dream...

...or a broken heart.

- I don't want these. Just take them.

Me either.

Are you serious?

Great, fine, wonderful.

More for me.

Now I got enough

for the whole weekend.

Oh, my God!

- Stan!

- Boys, stop it!

Break it up! Get off him, Stan!

Put those phones away! Stop it!

- Stop hitting him!

No fighting!

- You like that?

- You're gonna go to jail again.

Look at that.

He slapped him like a mother.

That thing sucks.

- Oh!

- Oh, that's wrong.

Yo, check this out.

My cousin in New York sent it to me.

I hope I'm not late for our meeting.

Busted for fighting, nice. Who won?

You know, it was actually pretty even.

Really?

On YouTube it looked like

you got your ass kicked.

I saw it a couple times.

- What are you wearing?

- Hm?

- Beckham.

- No, what?

Oh, the clothes. Oh, right.

To the untrained eye,

I look like a total idiot.

You do, in fact.

Ah. But it's actually a seduction technique

known as "peacocking. "

My outfit serves the dual function

of icebreaker and attention-getter.

You can go in now.

Watch.

Are you peacocking?

Really? You think that's gonna work?

I think it just might.

Is that? Mrs. O'Donnell!

How you doing?

Hello, how are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Good.

Wow.

This is gonna take some getting used to.

You're Ned's son?

Yeah. Yeah. Ned gave birth to me.

Well, he didn't give birth...

You know what I meant.

You're doing some gardening.

- I'm redoing the backyard.

- Oh.

You want to see?

Yeah, sure. I got some time.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. Obviously, I still have a lot to do.

- You can put that...

- Right here?

All right.

Thank you.

- So this is it.

- This is it.

It used to look a lot worse.

Mm-mm.

Basically, uh, what I planned to do was

to put a pond in over here...

- Okay.

... and have water...

...streaming in from both sides.

And then put a big deck right here...

...and then a flagstone patio there

with sod in between.

That would be pretty.

And then to have twinkling lights

above the whole thing...

...so that every night is a starry one.

Heh.

It's gonna be amazing, Scar.

What did you just call me?

Uh...

- I just said, "It'll be amazing. "

- You called me "Scar. "

My husband's the only one

who calls me that.

Could you use some help?

Volunteer. I'm young, I'm strong.

Oh. Oh.

Right, got it. Okay.

I realize that whole

lady cougar hunting...

...the "mothers I'd like to,"

you know, whatever, thing...

...is big with you guys, right?

With you high school boys?

But that's not gonna happen

between me and you.

I didn't even mean it that way.

I was thinking more along the lines of

business experience, college application.

But if you want to go there, that's...

- So I'll just get you a shovel, then?

- Yeah.

Okay.

What?

I said we could do it!

- Called it.

Did you see the look on Stan's face?

Alex? What happened at the tryouts?

How'd it go?

It was good. Mark had a great tryout.

He played great.

- Yeah.

- And so did I. I made the team.

Really? Oh, great! That's so good.

I'm so proud of you.

Me too.

He did great out there.

Oh, Mark. That's super inappropriate.

L... Good job today.

- Good job!

- Thanks.

I want to show you something.

Come here. I wanna show you guys.

Ta-da.

- You hung the lights.

Yes.

- Wow.

- Wow.

I wanted you guys to be the first to see.

- Mom, it's sick.

Really?

It's so good.

Oh, my gosh.

Mark. Mark, we should go practice, dude.

The game's on Friday.

Mom, such a good job.

What do you think?

It's amazing.

When people see how talented you are,

you'll be designing gardens all over the city.

Really?

Well, thank you, Mark. That's nice.

Oh.

- I have to go. I have a date tonight.

- You have a...? You have a date?

I'm going dancing, which is ridiculous

because I'm a terrible dancer.

- You're an amazing dancer.

- What?

- Hm? Ahem.

- Wh...?

You just look like you can move.

Um, okay.

I'm going to go, so have fun, Mark.

Night.

- What are you looking at?

- That was great.

That is The Snake.

That was a very hot dance

when you were 1.

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