20 Year Old Virgins Page #5

Forget it, forget it.

What?

Oh sh*t, oh sh*t.

Go.

Where's your bathroom?

What?

The bathroom.

Oh, oh, in, you wanna take a bath?

A bath?

No, I wanna use the restroom.

Oh, right, the restroom.

Yeah, it's over there.

Okay.

I mean, you could take a

bath if you want, though.

You could just take a bath.

Okay.

Yeah?

That's fine, thank you.

No, thank you, though.

Yeah?

Dude.

(whistling)

Bust that groove

Yeah, let's do this again sometime.

Bust that groove

Yeah.

That show again.

Hey, guys, do you have anything to drink?

Oh, what?

Oh, yeah, what do you wanna swallow?

Dude, drink, drink.

What do you wanna drink, yeah.

A beer, anything, I just wanna wash

this salty taste out of my mouth.

We got beer, right?

Oh, yeah.

I'll get you a beer.

Oh, please.

Woohoo!

Can I take a bite of your tomato?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, you guys cut out the center.

Uhhuh.

Thank you.

Uhhuh.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think it's um, let

me help you with that,

I think it's a twist off.

Just, if you just, if you put

a little force to it.

Thank you.

I mean, you're sure?

Yeah, thank you.

You sure?

I mean, I can just...

Thanks, guys.

Yeah, yeah.

See you later.

Do you guys have a bottle opener?

No, we just got one.

I got it, thank you.

Dude, did you see that?

Dude, she bit my tomato.

Dude tell me,

you saw her whacking me off, right?

I was about to burst.

What happened, you two just

finish doing each other?

Hey, Rock.

I saw the garbage truc khere this morning.

Why didn't you tell us you were moving?

That was your mother's mobile home.

Dude, dude, dude.

I think I know her.

Wait a minute.

Candy?

How you doing?

Shut your f*ggot mouth, you don't know her.

Oh, yeah, I know her pretty good.

How is that tattoo healing?

How does he know that?

I don't know, he probably guessed.

Guessed?

What's this guess sh*t?

Well, all the girls

are getting tattoos nowadays.

He Br-, he's probably mistaking me

for somebody else.

Okay, take care now.

I guess I'll see you online.

Online now?

What's this online bullshit?

I don't know, I've never seen

him before in my life,

I swear.

No, no, f*** that, what

are you holding from me?

What'd you guys say your name was?

Um, Laura.

Tina and Laura.

Tina, oh.

That's not right.

I can't even remember your name.

Mike.

Oh, okay.

All right, Mike, it's cool.

Sweetie, I'm not, I'm not...

Don't touch me, no sweetie sh*t.

F***ing tell me what's going on.

Nothing's going on.

(indistinct conversation)

Stupid.

What's up, roomies?

Roomies?

That's an upgrade from losers.

Fags, douche bags, queers, gays.

Come on, I feel rejuvenated.

What, I feel good?

What's your female situation?

What female situation?

Your skater chicks aren't biting?

You kinda have to be a

skater for them to bite.

Yeah.-Let me get this straight.

You two have never actually skated

a day in your life,

have you?

No.

And you thought dressing up like

skater rejects from the '80s

would actually help you get

chicks and get laid?

Pretty much.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Stop it.

These braces,

all you gotta do is put 'em

on before you go to the park,

this way no one will expect

you to actually skate.

That and skaters usually have a

couple broken bones anyhow.

Bro, genius.

Wait a minute.

Why do you wanna help us?

How do we know this isn't

a trick to make us

look like idiots?

Because you do a good enough job

of that on your own.

Just con-, I don't know,

Just consider it payment or payback

for letting me crash here for

a while, all right?

Okay.

So when you guys do meet a girl, okay,

be cool, be chill, don't be pushy...

He said p*ssy.

Yeah, don't be p*ssy.

I said pushy.

Idiots, listen up.

Walk up, make small talk,

make quick conversation, be nice.

Ask things like uh, hey, nice park here,

hey, this is a nice day.

If they haven't walked

away in two minutes or less,

they they're at least a

little bit interested

in your ass.

Go ahead, then ask for their name,

ask for their number 'cause, really,

you have nothing to lose, okay?

Oh, and uh, if for some

I don't know, God gifted reason

you get to the point where you're actually

gonna have sex with this

girl for the first time,

before you do ask her if

she likes spicy food.

Spicy foods?

Why?

If a girl likes spicy food,

that means she likes it hardcore.

Yeah.

The spicier, the food, the

more hardcore she likes it,

okay?

Just remember, if she can handle the heat,

she can handle the meat.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

If she doesn't like spicy

food then, you know,

you wanna proceed with caution on that,

handle with care.

Got it?

Got it.

Okay.

Okay?

Let's check this out.

(indistinct conversation)

Um...

Hey, I'm gonna have a present sent

over here to you guys

a little bit later tonight.

Hey, dude, high five, air five, bro.

Stop it.

Seriously, pal.

Okay, later.

Peace, bro, deuces!

Dude, what do you think his present is?

Well, you know.

(knocking)

I have a special delivery.

It's here.

Have a seat, boys.

Dude, there's no pockets.

Dude, when is she gonna give us our gift?

In the box.

All right.

All right, sorry.

Um, can we have our, can

we have our present now?

What?

Yeah, um, um, my bro said

that you were supposed

to bring us our gift today

and, and, you know, I mean

we're perfectly fine

with you doing your

Jazzercise and everything,

but could we just have our gift already?

Are you kidding?

Is it the stereo or is it still in the box?

You guys are putting me on, right?

Putting you on what?

I'm not putting her on anything.

I can't even lift her.

Dude, yeah, I know.

Let's check the box.

Dude, it's empty.

It can't be.

Maybe there's a

secret compartment somewhere.

You guys are idiots.

We're idiots?

She comes to make a

delivery with an empty box.

Dude, we just got gypped!

Dude, I don't know about this, man.

And then I tell her you took

a sh*t in your own van.

Dude, is that a dead bird over there?

Where?

Over there.

Little birdie.

Dude, dude, let's just put

him back in his house.

His house?

His black house.

Just put him back in there dude, come on.

Come on, put the black

bird in the black house,

come on.

Hey.

Hey, the idiot

who built this house

forgot to put a whole in it.

How is he supposed to

fly in and out?

I don't know.

He can't fly in

and out of this thing.

Just put him

in there and let's go.

Bye, little birdie.

Okay, come on, let's go.

Here we go.

Hey.

What's up?

Nothing much.

Uh, what's your name?

It's in the phone book.

Yeah?

And how about your number?

It's in the phone book, too.

Um... Call me.

I will.

She, she just,

I got her name and her number.

No way.

Dude, got it.

Seriously, oh, man, cool.

Dude, I just gotta find it

in the phone book

and I'm in.

Easy enough, right?

In, bro.

Yeah.

(indistinct conversation)

Let's sit down.

You think I'll ever get

a hairy chest?

I think I have one hair.

See, right there.

Yeah, dude, you got the look.

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