21 & Over Page #2

---

- but I can't...

In America,

in the United States of America,

bald eagles and Budweiser,

you go out and drink because

it's a sacred rite of passage.

- It's just like in Africa when...

- Oh, my God.

If we were in Africa... You are

so lucky we're not in Africa.

If we were in Africa, you would

have to leave the village

- and not come back till you killed a bear.

- None of that is true.

- There's no bears in Africa? Really?

- No.

- You have to read a book.

You're 21 years old.

This, as they say in Casey's

home country, is a bar mitzvah.

- It's the American bar mitzvah.

- I was born in America.

It's like... OK, it's like when an

Eskimo kills his first penguin, right?

- Nope, they definitely don't do that.

- Yes, they f***ing do, Casey.

- I hate you.

- In this country, JeffChang,

your best friends take you out

and they f*** you with alcohol.

- I'm gonna f*** you with alcohol.

- Oh, my God.

- Now who's with me?

- Nope.

- Come on, f***ers!

- Uh-uh.

- Mm-mm.

Whatever. I'm f***ing taking you out

whether you want to or not! I don't care

if you're scared of your f***ing dad.

Dude, we're all scared

of his f***ing dad.

I'm not! A little bit.

Also, if you do not

come out tonight,

I will stand outside your bedroom

window all night doing this.

- OK, OK, OK, I'll go out!

- I can't hear you!

- This thing is super loud!

- I'll go out, just stop! Just stop!

That's what I'm saying.

That wasn't so hard.

What kind of a**hole brings

an air horn in his backpack?

- Honestly, it comes in handy more than you'd think.

- Just one beer. One beer.

- That's all I wanted. We'll take care of you.

- That's it, man.

Nothing's gonna happen to you.

You're my little baby tonight.

You may bury me with an enemy

in Mount Calvary!

You can stack me on a pyre

and soak me down with whiskey

Roast me to

a blackened crisp

- Give me a shot!

- And throw me in a pyre!

I don't really give a sh*t

I'm going out in style!

I'm gonna be 21 forever,

you motherfuckers!

- Dude! How you doing?

- I'm doing great, dude.

- Good to see you guys!

- What's up, dude?

It's awesome to see you. Honestly,

'cause I miss you. I miss your hugs.

- Yeah. OK. OK.

- Give me a hug.

Are you, uh... are you...

Are you sure you're OK, man?

You're fine, like,

should we maybe get going?

No, Casey, look at me. I'm fine.

- I'm fine.

- You look fine.

- I'm fine.

- He's fine.

- You know what this bar reminds me of?

- What?

The night we won Rothenberg's Beer Pong

tournament, and JeffChang hooked up

with that nine-foot tall chick

who played the banjo.

- Yeah, what was her name?

- Tara.

Tara!

- Yeah, Tara!

She was gigantic.

Man, high school

was so awesome.

Speaking of the banjo,

you still writing music?

Dude, I'm pre-med, man. I don't write music.

I don't listen to music.

I can't even remember

the last time I went to a show.

- F***, man.

- Yeah.

Hey, you're still in for Sidewinder

at The Gorge this summer, right?

- Hell, yeah! The Gorge!

- Right, OK! The Gorge!

- Casey, what about you, man?

- Hm?

- The Gorge, Sidewinder.

- Oh, I don't know, man.

Aren't we too old to be doing

the whole music festival thing?

Uh, I don't know, Casey, are we

too old to have fun times?

- No.

- Are we too old to spend a week

enjoying 250 bands play the

seminal music of our generation?

Are we too old to drop acid and make

love to white chicks in dreadlocks?

- I don't like dreadlocks.

- Are we too old to take

handfuls of Ecstasy and dance around in fur...

with other people in fur?

- Yeah, we are too old for all of those things.

- I don't like dreadlocks.

But, guys, all I'm saying is that

we all graduate in May, right?

This could be the last summer all three

of us ever spend together. You know?

Right, but I have a job

lined up after graduation.

- What?

- You got a f***ing job?

Yeah. I'm working for

Newbury Capital in New York.

- Dude, congrats, that's a great firm!

- Thanks, JeffChang. See?

Yeah, awesome. What about

Sidewinder at The Gorge, Casey?

I'll think about it, all right?

That's all I'm saying.

- Yeah. You're selfish. That's bullshit.

Jeff! Jeff!

Oh, Nicole!

- Holy sh*t, game on.

- Hey, how are you doing?

- Happy birthday!

Hey. Meet my oldest friends,

Miller, Casey.

We used to tear sh*t up

in high school.

Casey.

Nice to meet you, Nicole.

Wow, that's quite a firm shake.

That's 'cause he

masturbates a lot.

Oh, yeah? Me too. I can't get to

sleep without flicking the bean.

What? Wow, I guess we already have

a lot in common. That's great.

Yeah, I masturbate a lot, too.

- He does.

- Like a lot.

- Oh.

- At weird places too, like malls,

bathrooms, handicap stalls.

They're bigger.

Name some more spots

you jerk off in, Miller.

Sometimes I wear flannel.

Made me feel like a lumberjack.

- What the f***?

- I am so sorry for him.

I don't even know you.

I feel terrible.

What are you talking about? I feel like

she's picking up what I'm putting down.

- Oh.

- Yeah, but then again, she's putting it down again.

But then she picks it back up.

I feel like she'd never

really pick it up twice.

OK, look, I'm just gonna ask.

Who would you rather...?

- Him.

- Oh, my God.

- OK, it's over. It's over.

Oh, my God. This is embarrassing.

That's fine, that's fine. F*** you

all, I'm gonna go play some darts.

Have a really boring life

with my boring friend Casey,

- who played the flute in band.

- Shh.

OK, thanks, buddy. Enjoy.

Wow. Thank you for that.

Oh, my God.

- Here, sit down.

- You're welcome. Thank you.

So, um...

So, that's your friend?

Yeah, we were best friends

back in high school,

- but we're not really that close anymore.

- Yeah.

Your oldest friends are always

your weirdest friends, right?

- Yeah, what is that about?

- I don't know.

People change when

they go to college, right?

Like, I'm sure he wasn't that big

of an idiot back in high school.

No, actually, that's exactly how

big of an idiot he was, yeah.

- Hundred percent same amount of idiot.

- Really? OK.

Yeah. So you're in, uh, Sigma...

Zeta...

- ...circle with a line in it.

- Oh, OK.

- I get it, you're not in a frat?

- No.

- 'Cause I'm not angry and secretly gay.

- Wow!

So, what are you drinking?

Oh, dude, I'm so glad you guys

came. I really needed this.

- My dad's been driving me crazy.

Yeah man, we love you.

- We wouldn't miss it for anything.

- Miller!

Honestly, I'm sorry Casey's being

such a little b*tch, though.

- He's not being a b*tch.

- Dude, yeah, he is.

Honestly, I feel like he thinks that

he's too good for us and it's like,

"Bro, you're a nerd."

He's not a nerd.

He's our friend.

You're lucky to be hanging out

with us because we're awesome.

Dude, he's just trying

to be happy.

So, you leave for

Brazil tomorrow?

Yes, and then Chile,

Ecuador and Argentina.

What about you? What are you

doing for spring break?

I have a two week externship

at J.P. Morgan.

It's private equity stuff.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote