27 Dresses Page #6

- Three weeks?

- It pleases me.

- Delightful.

We have a cake.

- What are you doing here?

- Hi. I'm Malcolm Doyle.

- What?

- Oh, yes. I didn't wanna

believe it till you were here.

- Um, this is my fiance, George.

- Hi. Congratulations...

- to the both of you.

- Thank you.

Oh. Babe, I gotta

take this. All right?

- Okay.

- If there's a cake emergency...

I'm right over here.

Oh, and this is Jane,

my sister.

She's obsessed with your stories.

- She keeps them, but pretends

she doesn't, but she does.

- Okay.

She's your number one fan.

Not in a creepy way though.

- Right.

- You said your name was "Kevin."

As in "Kevin."

Well, I use "Malcolm" for the byline

so I don't get stalked by crazy brides.

- So how did you meet George?

- You're an a**hole.

-Jane.

- What? I'm sorry. He said his name was "Kevin."

- I'm just-- I'm a little bit confused.

- Wait.

- You guys know each other?

- Well, we both work the wedding circuit, so--

Can you just give us one second?

I'm just gonna-- over-- for one second...

talk to-- talk about you.

Antoine.

You lied to me.

No. I told you I was a writer.

I didn't tell you what I wrote.

But-- But you write

the most beautiful things.

Do you actually believe in love

and marriage and pretend to be a cynic...

or are you a cynic who knows how to spin

romantic crap for girls like me?

I didn't follow that at all. But I think

the second one, the spinning crap one.

Oh, my God. I feel like I found out my favorite

love song was written about a sandwich.

Um, can I steal you away

to tell you about George and me?

Of course. Of course.

That's why I'm here.

What? Tess is not here.

- I'm here to see you.

- Why?

Come on. I have to talk

to all of the friends and family.

It'll take five minutes.

Please?

For George and Tess?

Well, okay.

Thank you.

- May I come in?

-Just ask me what you wanna ask me.

- Or would you prefer to lie some more?

- I didn't lie to you.

I don't know why

you keep saying that.

- I may have left out a couple of things.

- Can we just get this over with?

The maid of honor

is a peculiar young woman.

So tell me how you feel

about Tess's whirlwind romance.

I couldn't be happier.

She's my kid sister.

I taught her how to tell time,

how to ride a bike...

how to steam flounder

in the dishwasher.

I mean, I practically raised her--

Oh, please, don't print that.

That would kill my father.

Wait. What are those?

Nothing.

- Are those--

- No!

- Are they bridesmaid dresses?

- This is none of your business.

Oh! Good God.

What? You kept them all?

You have a whole closet full. Why?

I have a lot of friends

and I like to keep them.

Right. Well, that makes

complete sense...

- because they're beautiful.

- Some are not that bad.

"Not that bad"? I'd like to see one of them

that's not that bad.

Fine.

Um, well--

Not that one.

This one--

This one is really--

Horrible. Right?

Was the word you're looking for.

What color is this? Vomit?

No, it's like a-- It's an "olivey" green.

It's very in.

I'm telling you,

it looks great on.

Uh, no. I'm telling you

that this is an instrument of torture...

inflicted on you by a bride

who wants you to look ugly.

No.Jenna picked it

because it looks good on everybody.

Slightly delusional and will believe

anything anyone tells her.

That is not true and I'm going

to show you you are wrong.

See?

It's not so bad.

This sash is really very flat--

Okay. You are totally right

about the dress. It is not that bad.

But, come on.

The color? Please.

Well, it's your flash.

I think it's blowing it out weird...

and if it were just a normal--

Okay, it's not very good.

You kind of look

like a shiny mermaid.

You should be flattered. She didn't want

to stand next to a tall, beautiful woman...

and have you actually

looking decent.

It's really not the worst one.

If I had to pick one--

I got a good one.

- This is my favorite.

- Oh, my God.

- What the hell is that?

- Theme wedding.

What was the theme, "humiliation"? God!

- No, people do not have

Gone With The Wind weddings.

- I have been to three.

- Let's do it.

- All right.

- Y'all say, "Diddly-dee."

- Diddly-dee.

Oh!

I feel sick. All right. What else you got?

Show me some more.

Okay. Okay.

- You have to show me Benihana.

- Give it.

# You ain't got the crime

'Cause she ain't got #

#Nothing' on you #

Aha!

Very pretty.

Do you feel pretty?

Adorable.

Every bride loves

her accessories.

Men wore dresses. Women wore suits.

Whoa!

- Kevin?

- Yup.

Oh!

Um--

What was the theme here?

L.A. Wedding.

# You gotta party

If you're feeling hearty #

#She's in love now #

# Would you rather see #

# That you know

Yeah #

#Come on #

Twenty-seven dresses.

You gotta be kidding me.

I don't get it. All right. You--

You do the thing, you have the dress.

Just throw it out.

That's a huge closet.

You live in New York.

You cannot be eating up space like that.

Strange as it sounds, I've had some

really good times in those dresses.

- Weird as that may be.

- I don't believe you.

I don't care if somebody wants me

to wear a funny dress.

- It's their day, not mine.

- God bless you.

And if supporting them

when they get married means...

snowshoeing to a mountaintop

in the Alps or...

- helping to caulk a fountain

for some swans, then-

- You actually did that?

Oh, I'm a really,

very good caulker.

Likes caulk.

All right.

But come on. Seriously.

I mean, how much time do you spend

doing this for other people?

What about--What about you?

You don't have any needs?

No, I don't.

I'm Jesus.

Someday-- God knows when--

But someday...

it'll be my day.

And then all those people

will be there for me. So--

That is if I ever--

Sorry.

You don't get it.

That's fine.

Why would you?

Hey. I need

your registry list.

I thought you were

gonna wait downstairs.

What is that?

- George is in Telluride. Who's in here?

- No one.

- Let's talk in the hall.

- Tess.

Jane--

He was looking for

a part-time job.

He's...

cleaning the apartment.

- # Oh, boy #

- Look, don't tell George.

It's Pedro

and my little secret, okay?

#I don't really know

what I'm doing ##

Kevin!

That bridesmaid story--

what do you have so far?

Uh, it's a little rough.

I'm still workin' on it.

- I want to see it.

- I'm not even--

- Right now. E-mail it.

- It's not-I'm not

finished with it. It's not done.

Can you go away, please?

I did not invite you.

Well, luckily Tess did. When I cover

a wedding, I gotta see every aspect.

You know, your sister wants so many

presents from so many stores...

that she physically cannot register

for them all herself.

She's pressed for time. It's a short engagement.

Good God.

Another one?

To you, it's just

another casserole dish.

To Tess, it's the pot she's gonna

cook my mother's Christmas roast in.

Oh, Tess cooks?

All right. Well, I'm gonna cook it.

But Tess will be there...

with George.

- And this isn't just another "vahze."

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