27 Dresses Page #7

- Vase.

This is the "vahze"

that Tess will get out...

when George brings home flowers,

just because he felt like it.

I see. And this--

this is the rooster-shaped umbrella holder

that will hold all of George's umbrellas.

Fine. Be a jerk.

All I'm saying

is that this isn't just stuff.

- These are the things

that make up a life together.

- No.

This is the useless crap that the

has convinced us all that we have

to have or we won't be happy.

You know what I think?

I think that all your statistics and theories...

are just

a smoke screen.

- Oh, really? For what?

- Your little secret--whatever it is.

Your parents got divorced.

You haven't found the right girl.

- You're afraid you never will.

- Mm-hmm.

And I think

you love weddings so much...

because you'd rather focus on other people's

Kodak moments than make memories of your own.

You're right. Know why? Because weddings are

the perfect place to forget about being single.

I think you want a wedding--

not a marriage, a wedding.

What is your problem?

Did you have your own fancy wedding

and your wife left you or something?

Bingo.

What?

With my roommate from college,

by the way.

So I think you get

an extra bingo for that.

Oh, sh*t.

Kevin, I'm--

I'm so sorry. It was just--

It was a guess.

It was a good one.

For someone who has

no insight whatsoever into herself...

you nailed me

right on the head.

Want to find the ugliest stuff in the store

and register Tess for it?

Let's do it.

Wow.

- I told you I was not done with it yet.

- No, it's good.

I meant,

"Wow, it's actually decent."

I have to admit,

I was shocked...

but, uh, it's smart

and, uh, biting...

and actually entertaining

as hell.

- Well, thank you.

- You really nailed this girl.

We're running it Sunday,

front page of the section.

Um, here is where you jump up

and down with gratitude.

Oh-- No, no, no, no.

I just--

I just don't think it's perfect yet.

I really want to get this right.

- We should just hold it a week.

- Wait. You've been begging me for months...

and now you want me to hold the story

so you can move some commas around?

I don't know. Now that I'm in it, she's more

than just this perpetual bridesmaid.

You know, I don't know. There's--

There's a lot more to her than that.

Huh. If I didn't know you

any better...

I would say that you'd

developed a little crush.

Very funny. Look, I know

I can make it better.

- It's good the way it is.

- Will you just give me a week? Just a week.

Fine. Get out.

- Hi.

- Oh, hey.

Thank you for coming on such short notice.

Oh, it's no problem.

I'm happy to help.

And I have more experience eating

than Tess does, so you're in good hands.

Now, we've planned your wedding dinner

to your exact specifications.

-Jane's phone.

- Tess?

- Hey, it's Kevin.

- Hey! How is the article coming?

Uh, I think it's gonna be a great piece.

I think you'll be very happy.

- I can't wait.

- Hey, listen. Any chance you know where Jane is?

Yeah, you know, the thing that I like

about Tess is there's no bullshit.

You know,

she's not afraid to be herself.

George, about Tess--

There's something that I want to say.

- Um--

- What?

I'm just so happy for you,

that you found what you were looking for.

All right.

So what's your favorite part...

of a wedding?

Oh, that's easy.

You know when the music starts

and the bride makes her big entrance...

and everybody turns

to look at her?

That's when I look at the groom.

'Cause his face says it all.

You know,

the pure love there.

That's why I go.

Okay. So when you get married

and you make your entrance...

I have full permission

to look at the groom?

Yes. Please do. Please make sure the poor

sucker is still standing there.

Are you kidding me?

Some guy would be lucky to have you.

And the way that you attacked that

tomatillo before-- Who could resist that?

Very sexy.

Doyle?

- Hey.

- Hey.

What are you doing here?

Are you guys picking out

the wedding meal?

- Where's Tess?

- She's... getting her hair done.

- I'm just helping out.

- Mm-hmm.

We're heading up to Rhinebeck to pick out

some linens from an antique store.

Yeah, we really should go, because Tess

and I have dinner with my parents.

- Well, why don't I just go with you?

- What? No. No. That's okay.

Um, I can get you back on time.

I got my dad's Volvo, and that thing books.

All right, look. I really don't mind.

It's totally fine.

I got a couple more questions

to ask you anyway for the article.

Which I'd be happy to answer,

by phone or e-mail.

If you wouldn't mind,

that would be a great help.

I don't mind at all.

I insist.

It was like a lightbulb. The second I saw you

mooning at him over polenta.

Of course you're upset.

You're planning your sister's wedding...

to the man

that you're in love with.

You're stuck in this

creepy little love triangle...

and all the while, you're about

one monogrammed party favor away

from blowing your brains out.

That is ridiculous.

Oh, come on. Course you can't tell him

because you're Nice Jane, you're Sweet Jane.

You don't know

what you're talking about, okay?

He's my boss. She's my sister.

I am thrilled to be planning

their wedding-- tickled even.

Like I have been for every wedding

that I've been a part of.

But you can't understand that

because you're--

you're mean...

and dark and cynical.

And, well, that's your problem,

pal, not mine.

- "Pal"? "Pal"?

- Yeah. Uh-huh.

"Hey, pal. Pal." This is bad.

You're calling me "pal."

Oh, will you just be quiet?

Look, I get it. You're mad.

I just ruined the whole afternoon...

of you pining over somebody

that you'll never, ever have.

Stop it!

Just stop.

Okay. Would you slow down just a little bit

so I can read this sign?

Okay. My Spidey vision's

not working so good.

- Do you think you could

slow down just a little bit?

- Would you leave me alone!

Seriously. Crazy Lady,

we're gonna hydroplane. Slow down.

Come on.

We are not gonna hydroplane.

Whoa!

Whoa! We're hydroplaning.

We're hydroplaning!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna die!

Don't say anything.

- You got anything?

- No.

- Uh--

- I said don't! Nothing.

Excuse me.

Uh, your pay phone's dead.

Nice work. You're like one of those guys

on C.S.I.

Uh, any chance

we could use your phone?

Could I get a scotch,

three fingers, no ice, please?

- What are you doing?

- Well, it's late...

we're not getting a tow,

and we're in East Deliverance, New York.

I'm gonna have a drink.

Come on. There's nobody

you can help right now.

Why don't you just sit down,

relax, have a drink? It's been a long day.

Here you go.

Fine.

Just one!

- Ah!

- Okay. February 12, 2006.

The Keller wedding. You wrote a column

that moved me to tears.

It was downright, flat-out the most beautiful

thing I have ever read.

- Oh-- I don't remember it.

- How can you not remember that?

- I don't remember it.

- How can you not?

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