2 Lava 2 Lantula! Page #7

what the military

has been targeting

with those airstrikes.

My goodness.

It's a giant lavalantula.

The entire stadium

has been reduced to rubble.

Let's move out.

COL. JESTER:
Well,

that sure as hell ain't

no itsy-bitsy spider.

She's really big, sir.

Blow her up.

Target is live.

Proceed and destroy.

Roger that.

All right, fellas,

you heard the man.

Let's go light her up.

Tommy's hit!

We're too close!

Pull up! Pull up!

It's not working, sir!

Nothing is getting through!

Gimme, gimme. I'm gonna

maintenance these.

Thanks a lot. Yes, yes.

Colton!

Arni!

What the hell

are you do--

Zip it, Colton!

You were a pain

in the ass when your career

was going in the toilet,

and you're a bigger

pain in the ass now!

That's what

you risked your life for

to tell me?

I know what you're up to.

Are you out of your mind?!

No, I've never

been clearer.

I think I found

a higher calling.

Higher calling, my ass.

You want to waltz into cities

and save millions,

you go through me.

I'm your agent!

You think Hollywood pays well?

Yeah.

Well, wait'll we hit up

Uncle Sam for your services.

Ooh. Really?

Now you want

to save a city...

Ooh.

they go through me.

and we're gonna

make millions.

Millions? Millions.

Millions! Millions!

I gotta go

save the world.

All right.

I'm gonna make some calls.

That's my agent.

You came to me.

Go get 'em!

Amazing! Came to me!

Go get 'em!

All right,

what's the number

for San Francisco?

She can drop

90,000 gallons

of fire retardant

on a target

before you can call

for more peanuts.

That good enough

for you?

That'll be just fine.

This is gonna be

a dangerous flight, Hal.

Man, I've flown

through stuff

turn your butt whiter

than you already are.

Ain't no spider

gonna take me down.

This is not

your average spider.

That's great,

but in my world,

if it's got eight legs,

it's a damn spider.

Heh. Now we gonna keep

wasting time talking,

or we gonna go ahead

and take her out?

We're gonna take her out.

Sir, the missiles

can't get through.

Well, target the ground

near her feet.

Maybe she'll sweep the leg.

We can't, sir.

It's her heat signature.

Nothing's getting close.

The missiles

are detonating

before they can impact.

Colton was right.

She's too hot.

Well, it's time

for an alternative.

Alternative, sir?

Get the President

on the horn.

We just may have

to nuke my little darlin'

straight back to hell.

Sir, if we do that,

you'll destroy

the entire state.

Let's hope that's all.

Good people of Florida,

your state has come under attack

from one of the worst menaces

known to modern history,

a creature so heinous,

it can only come

from the pits of Hell,

and if we don't stop it,

millions of people will die,

and your great city

will be reduced to ashes.

But not on my watch!

Do you know what people say

about the great state

of Florida?

It's too humid.

Yeah, yeah,

th-they actually do say that.

What does this Angeleno know

about the great state

of Florida?

Florida is a state of winners!

Can you tell me

what NFL team

is the only team to be

undefeated in history?

The Dolphins!

The Dolphins!

That's right.

The Dolphins from '72.

And where did the king,

LeBron James,

go to get

his championship ring?

Cleveland!

Miami!

Miami!

That's right, Miami.

And which state

has the most beautiful beaches,

the hottest women,

the most golf courses?

And the only state to have

no state income tax?

Alaska!

Nevada.

South Dakota's one.

Yeah.

It's true, but, Arni,

I'm trying to do

a hero thing here.

You asked

a question!

I know, but give me a break!

When aliens

come to visit,

which state

do they choose?

Florida.

She's just kidding.

There are no aliens

in Florida.

Okay.

I don't know

anything about aliens,

but I do know when

the United States of America

sends a rocket into space,

they don't send it

from Oregon

or South Dakota or Nevada.

They send it from...

Florida!

Florida!

I won this fight

in Los Angeles,

and fate has brought me

here to Florida,

and together, there's

no way we're gonna lose.

Amen.

Amen. Yeah.

Tonight we win!

ALL:
We win! We win!

We win! We win!

Yeah.

That's right.

That's right.

Yeah!

Can somebody

help me down?

I got you, buddy!

I got you.

Thank you, Arni.

Swing your leg down.

I have to swing

my legs down.

Okay, then I go--

All right.

1, 2, 3. Go!

Yo, Arni! My God!

Colt, if the missiles

can't get close enough

without detonating,

how are you gonna

get close enough

in the plane?

I got this, sweetie.

You just stay here

in the hangar.

I'll be back.

You better be back.

Promise.

Love you.

Get some coolant

right here.

Let's go ahead

and mark it off.

Hey, we're all clear

over here.

...3, Philadelphia.

300,000 for Allentown.

Hey, turn that up.

Okay.

Continuing our

live coverage now

of this catastrophic event.

Miami has been evacuated,

and the military continues

to pound this enormous beast

in what is now being called

"Arachnid Freedom."

COLTON:
Hal, how do we get

close enough to that thing

without being seen?

If we take her high enough,

the plane will freeze.

Mr. West, stand by

for Colonel Jester.

COL. JESTER:
Colton!

How's it going, Colonel?

I think you damn well know

how it's going, Mr. West.

Don't you worry.

We got a plan that'll

save us all.

Well, we got

our own plan.

No, no, no.

You cannot nuke Miami, sir.

That's insane.

Well, who said

anything about that?

I've made that movie,

and it always

ends with nukes.

You just can't do it.

You gotta trust me

on this one.

Sir, we picked up

a C-130 entering

the restricted no-fly zone.

Colton, is that you

riding through

a restricted

air zone?

You're gonna

get yourself killed.

I'm trying to tell you

we've got a plan,

but you gotta

listen to me.

I've got 90,000 gallons

of fire retardant

that says I know

what I'm doing.

I love all

your films, Colton,

but we're

out of time

for any Hollywood

half-baked rewrites.

Look, I took one

of these things out

without the military

and without you,

and I'll be damned

if I can't take another,

but I'm gonna

need your he--

Holy...

The repeated military attacks

on this enormous creature

are failing to have

their intended effect,

but we understand new reports

are filtering in,

and you are

hearing this correctly,

that Colton West is

piloting a civilian aircraft

into the hot zone.

Pull up!

KYLE:
Incoming!

COLTON:
Brace yourself.

Tail!

Marty, you guys

all right back there?

We're hit! I repeat,

we're hit, captain!

How bad's the damage?

We're in a plane

full of smoke!

How bad do you

think it is?

It's bad!

It's very, very bad!

Come on, Colton.

No more screwing

around here.

Just hold on.

I do not have time

to hold on,

and neither do you.

We gotta get higher.

Right now,

I'm just hoping

it stays together.

If she sees us,

it won't matter.

Colton--

Colonel, just trust me.

Get your fighters

in position,

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