3 Blind Saints Page #4

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- Hi.

- Brother Sam, would you do us the honor

of saying the blessing over this food?

- I would be honored.

- Hey Sam, sure you cool with that?

I mean I know you probably tired from

got the glory on you from praying all day,

preaching, you know, let me go ahead and...

- I got it.

Oh dear God,

we come salivating to thy table

fired up to chow downon the fish of the sea

and the birds of the air.

Technically, chickens can't fly.

So I'm not exactly sure where they fit

into thy holy food chain.

Yeah, though, the word on the street

is that you're a kind and loving God.

We know that, ah,

(fly buzzing)

we, ah, know,

you would never actually

(swats table)

that you wouldn't hurt a fly

unless it was molesting thefood on your banquet table.

Amen.

- Amen.

- And that was a very interesting sermon

you preached today, Reverend.

Short, too.

Just the way I like it.

- Well I feel like allpreachers everywhere

should heed to the historical tradition

of being irrelevant yet modernby doing it in less time.

- You know this herepreacher's a very wise man.

- Thank you.

- He is not wise, daddy.

He is a sarcastic man andhe makes fun of old people.

- [Sam] I, it was...

- No offense, Sister.

- I, it was a joke.

She's kidding.

- Well God's power hasa way of changing a man

until he don't hardlyrecognize himself anymore.

- So Johnny, that's a strong name.

You know, a lot of prolificmen were named Johnny.

Johnny Carson, Johnny Cash, Johnny Unitas.

- Johnny on the spot.

- Well he was named afterhis daddy, you know.

- Really?

So not the toilet?

So, what do you wanna bewhen you grow up, Johnny?

You aspire to be a lawyer, fireman?

Hey, maybe even a preacher like me, huh?

- Yeah, that's right.

I wanna grow up to be apreacher full of hot air.

Just like you.

- Ooh.

- Or maybe I could be just like my daddy.

A good for nothin' free-loadin' deserter.

At least that's what my mom calls him.

- And I agree with that 100%.

- Johnny, sometimes peoplehurt us but they don't mean to.

When life gives uslemons, we gotta take 'em

like a bowl of cherries.

We gotta play the cards we're dealt.

But we gotta know when to hold 'em,

know when to fold 'em.

- [Johnny] I don't understand.

- Well said.

Let's eat.

- Don't you think it's alittle strange, Sister,

how we can't seem to keepa preacher in this town?

I mean, Reverend Freeman disappears

and the same day the three stooges arrive

and they all know Rusty Pickens.

- Oh honey I learned a long time ago

not to judge a book by its cover.

The Lord has a mighty funnyway of getting his will done

through some very unlikely people.

Besides, that preacher fella's kinda cute.

- He's cute if you think arrogance is cute

and 10 dollar words.

- Now I said it before and I say it now.

He's cute.

- Ladies, that was amazing.

- Thank you.

- Hey mom!

The guys wanna know if I canplay football out in the lawn!

- No, honey.

We've been over this like 100 times.

I'm sorry.

- Oh mom.

- Sorry guy.

Wow, kinda overprotective,don't you think?

Kid's gotta get out there andtoss around the old pigskin.

Roll around in the dirt, you know?

Have some fun.

- That's easy for you to say

'cause you have not spentnights and nights with him

in the hospital with a broken inhaler

gasping for breath dueto an asthma attack.

- True, but what are you gonna do?

Coddle him his whole life?

Gotta give the boy some space!

Otherwise he'll end up withno friends, no girlfriends.

He'll have to find other waysto look and sound successful.

He'll grow up without a real life.

- Right.

Kind of like yours.

Just three middle-agedguys hangin' around.

- I'm not middle-aged.

And anyway, to really be middle-aged

you'd have to know exactlywhen you're gonna die

which, of course, nobody knows,

then divide it in half to find the middle.

So if you live to be 200,you wouldn't be middle-aged

until you were 100.

- Sam, everything that you just said

is compensating for something.

- Oh, okay, like you're notcompensating for something?

Like, oh, I don't know,

husband who walked out on you

and now you don't wannalet your son play football

because you're afraid of losing him too?

- Right.

You have me completely figured out.

I'm compensating everyday because I'm terrified

that my son has something in his lungs

that killed my mom when I was 10.

Do you feel better now, Mr. Perfect?

- I'm not Mr. Perfect.

- Right.

Mr. Pastor, Perfect.

- I'm not Mr. Perfect.

I'm not Pastor Perfect or otherwise.

I lost somebody I love, too.

I don't know why she decidedto marry that other jerk

but there you go.

There.

You happy?

- No.

Are you happy?

- No.

(slow instrumental music)

I'm gonna go not throw football

with my middle-aged buddies.

- Okay.

- Thanks for the meal.

- You're welcome.

- See ya in church.

- Lord, you're doingan awesome, awesome job

of working those two over.

I can't wait to seewhat's gonna happen next.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

- Hello, boys.

Jamal, everyone's waitingfor you in the choir room

right down that hall and Frankie,

kid's are right down there waitin' for ya.

Yeah, Sam, don't forget tocheck your appointments.

- Appointments?

- Yeah.

Have fun with that.

- Sweet digs.

- That's your office.

- Ha.

Sweet.

What exactly do I do?

- How do I know?

Just be pastoralish.

- Pastoral.

That needs an apostrophe.

Nice.

(singing out of rhythm)

How may I help?

How may I help you?

May I be of service?

- (singing) Are you ready my brother?

- [Choir] (sings) Oh yeah.

- (singing) Are you ready for the journey?

- [Choir] (sings) Oh yeah.

- (singing out of tune)Do you wanna see Jesus?

(stamping paper)

- I just don't feel in touchwith my inner, you know, self.

What you're missing son, is the light-ah.

I cast thee out (snorts).

Get outta that girl, be gone!

I tell ya, be gone!

- The Pastor will see you now.

- You gotsta help me, Pastor Sam.

I gots the food demon.

All I wanna do is eat!

- The schools don't want our kids.

She says it's cause theydidn't get enough oxygen

in the womb but I say it's'cause of all that dope

she smoked while she was pregnant.

- How many wives did King David have?

'Cause I was thinkin' ofgettin' me a couple of more.

- Now I'm not one to gossipor anything like that.

- If you knew what I knew.

- But of course, you couldn't.

- I had a medical condition.

- What medical condition?

- Por-no-gra-phy.

- Landry, dishes.

- I was pregnant.

Duh!

- And when you're sittin'in front of a handsome...

- Young (rolls tongue) Reverend...

- Such as...

- Yourself.

- So, what can I do for ya?

- [Both] God told me thatyou're supposed to marry me.

Now.

Are you gonna obey God or not?

(dark organ music)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- What are we doin' here, man?

This could be like our day off.

- I don't think we get to take days off

now that we're professional ministers.

It's just a picnic.

- Wait a minute.

I know why we're here.

She's here, ain't she?

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