44 Inch Chest Page #5

And as she leaves,

she'll pat you on the bum

and give you a tiny smile,

almost not a smile

but a smile nevertheless,

and it'll mean

the world to you,

the whole incredible world,

the f***ing universe.

See, me, I'm old-fashioned.

I'm like the swan,

one partner for life.

And then you come along

in uour tight jeans,

and you spoil it.

You spoilt my f***ing life,

humiliated me,

brought me to my knees,

degraded me.

You uglu c*nt,

ugly f***ing c*nt.

See, love is give and take,

mate, give and take,

give and take.

You took.

I'll give

I'll give you such

a f***ing punch in the mouth

in a minute, c*nt.

C*nt!

Oh, you c*nt.

I wet myself last night

'cause of you.

Cried myself to sleep.

Cried myself to f***ing sleep

because of you.

Look at me.

Look at me, you c*nt.

F***ing look at me, you c*nt.

Look at me, c*nt.

F***ing look at me, c*nt!

Look at me!

- How's your mum, Arch?

- Ah, she'sshe's all right.

Fine.

Doing well.

Ah, had a bit of a scare

last week.

She fell out of bed

in the middle of the night.

I didn't hear her.

Found her in the morning

sleeping on the floor.

Frightened the life

out of me,

but you know,

she's all right.

Doc says it happens,

you know.

- She's tough, your mum.

She'll go on forever.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

She'll outlive me.

That's for sure.

- Do you remember Samson?

Who remembers Samson?

- Had a pet shop

on the Roman Road.

- No, the Bible, a strongman.

- Victor Mature.

Never fancied him.

Now, Oliver Reed,

oh, that's different.

Mamma Mia, what a shag.

Big fat back.

- He meets this b*tch.

- Burt Lancaster,

scrumptious.

- He falls in love

with the c*nt.

- And Paul McCartney,

strangelu enough.

- It's Sir Paul now, innit?

- Hedy Lamarr.

- Please, would you let me say

what I'm saying?

- That's who it was

in the film, Hedy Lamarr.

- Yeah, in the film, yeah.

She's a c*nt.

- Delilah.

- Yeah, right, hooer.

Oh, he's got

this lovely long hair

as was the style

in them daus,

and it's where

he's got his strength from.

One night she's drugged him,

put a potion in his drink.

He's gone all woozu,

conked out on the marble floor.

She's crept off

like the rat she is,

and she's come back

with a pair of scissors.

She's give him the full monty,

short back and sides.

Next morning, he's woke up.

He's going to the bathroom

for a wash,

looked in the mirror,

seen the state of his barnet,

and he's flipped his lid,

hit the roof.

He's gone apeshit!

- I've taken awau

your strength, Samson.

- He's reached

for his trusty broadsword

only to discover

he can't pick it up.

His strength was in his hair,

you see?

Couldn't even pick up

his f***ing toothbrush.

From then on,

his life was terrible,

fell apart.

They stabbed his eyes out,

blinded him,

stuck him in a dungeon,

bread and water,

whipped, lashed

morning, noon, and night.

His life was

a f***ing misery.

All the while, see,

his hair's growing back in.

He's getting stronger.

She's come to visit him,

tries to make it up,

but he don't want to know.

Well, he does sort of,

but anuwau...

Now bu this stage,

his hair's down here.

His might's coming back,

slowlu but surelu.

And comes the dau of

the big party in the temple.

He's well up for it,

can't wait,

bent on vengeance.

But he's got f***-all on him:

no weapons, no nothing.

He's chained up

between these two columns,

great thick pillars.

All the guests are taunting him,

slagging him off,

calling him this and that,

every name under the sun.

And he thinks to himself,

"Right, f*** uou lot.

Have some of this. "

And with his bare hands,

with his simple,

big, bare f***ing hands,

he pushed, and he's pushed,

pushed and pushed,

huffing and puffing,

heaving and hoeing,

until the very foundations

of the house of debauchery

start to crack, to yield,

to crumble.

And I'm telling ya,

theu built things proper

in them days, built to last.

This was no mean feat.

And with one mammoth shove,

one terrible thrust,

he's brought the whole caboodle

crashing to the ground.

He's killed the whole f***ing

lot of 'em.

- And himself.

- Well, and himself.

Well, he don't give a f*** about

himself bu this point, do he?

And all because,

all because,

all because,

and all because

of a woman.

- You accept you've spunked

all over mu marriage?

Note the prisoner

nodded his head.

How do you plea?

Exactly, a sin.

Before we pass sentence,

have you got anything

to say for yourself?

No.

Take him away.

Come here.

- Colin!

Colin.

- I knew she'd show

her Jezebel face.

- Here, Romeo,

things are looking up.

The cavalry's arrived.

Can't you smell it?

- Bastards.

- Now, that's something

I don't like, a woman swearing.

It's unbecoming.

- She wants her f***ing mouth

washed out with soap, she does.

- Joking, mate.

She'd f***ing love that.

- You must all

be proud of yourselves.

- Not yet, we ain't,

but we're gettin' there.

- What have you done to him?

- Ah, that's all

self-inflicted.

Yeah, self-inflicted.

- He's a masherkist.

- A what?

- Masherkist.

Oh, uou must know

what a masherkist is.

A masherkist!

- Don't say that word anymore,

please.

- Mal, have you got a light?

- What?

Oh, yeah.

- What are you doing?

- Giving her a light.

- Well, just give her it, then.

Don't have to be all that.

- Thanks, Mal.

- Here, Liz.

Here's a funny thing.

Last week, right,

I went out for a pair of shoes

down Bond Street.

I popped into this shop.

I said, "That's the pair I want,

those in the window in a ten. "

So he brings them to me.

I tries 'em on.

Beautiful,

like slippers.

Bit loud for this lot,

but me to a tee.

"I'll have 'em.

How much?"

"444."

So I'm counting out the money,

and I feel the assistant,

he's a bit close to me,

like his head's by my chin.

So I've eased him back a tad,

and I said,

"How much were these again?"

And he's told me.

He's repeated it,

"444."

"Tell you what," I says.

"I'll give you 500 for them. "

"I'll bring you the box,"

he saus,

but I've called him back.

"Never mind the box," I says,

"Just stick 'em in a paper bag. "

"Right you are, sir," he says

and toddles off.

- I know you hate me.

- Lovely shoes.

Hate you?

There's no hating,

not in this room.

- Those them?

- These are boots.

This was shoes.

Fancy a drink, Liz?

Sorry we ain't got a glass.

D'you mind the bottle?

- Up your arse?

Peanut.

Apologies for that.

That was uncalled for.

Do you forgive him?

- Why'd you give him 500

for them?

- Oh, you wouldn't understand.

- No, I don't.

- He was being flash.

- No, not at all.

- Is it true?

Is it?

Is it true, Liz?

- Is what true?

- Is it true you're expecting?

- Is she?

- Could be.

Could be, Col.

Eh?

A little one,

a little bastard?

- Shut up, you idiot.

- If it is true,

you're coming round my house,

get in the back room,

bottle of gin,

in the tin bath,

and my Agnes'll take care of it

with a coat hanger.

- Not exactly BUPA, is it?

- It's the way it's done,

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