44 Inch Chest Page #6

what you do to amend.

- Now uou're just

getting your rocks off.

He's just getting

his rocks off, Colin.

- If she were mine,

I'd stone her.

- Like you've been stoning

Agnes for uears?

- You b*tch.

Bad-mouthing me.

You?

It's outrageous.

Colin,

knock some sense into her,

beat it out of her.

Whaif uou're not gonna

do something about it, Colin,

I'll do something.

- Like what?

Piss your pants?

- How dare you?

I'll mark your face forever.

I'll knock your

oh, oh.

- Come on, then.

What are you waiting for?

- Colin!

- No, don't rise to it, Pop.

- Eh?

- Don't rise to it.

- Yeah, you're right.

Why give her

the satisfaction?

Wouldn't give her the pickings

out of me handkerchief.

- He's not saying much, is he,

Tom Cruise?

- He's keeping his head down,

hoping it will go away.

- Well, it won't!

- Oi, fishface,

she's looking at you.

Now she's looking at me.

Now she's looking at you again.

Do you see that?

How she went from love to hate

in a split second?

- Typical.

- Come on then.

Give her a look.

A look of love.

Oi, buggerlugs,

you listening?

Am I talking to myself here?

F***ing look at her.

Look at her,

you worthless cowson.

- Adulterer!

- Look at her.

- C*nt.

- Stop it.

- Shut up.

Look at her.

By the way,

do you still love her?

There's your answer.

I think

we can take that as a "no. "

Well, we've learnt something.

Fear is stronger than love.

- I knew that.

Everyone knows that.

- Do they?

- Should he be seeing that?

- Can't be favorite.

- They may as well be f***ing

doing it in front of him.

- Yeah, it's got to smart.

- You do not

want to see your wife

tending to another man

in that way.

That's husband-only stuff.

- It's quite beautiful, really.

- What you on about?

It's uglu.

It's hideous.

Pornogrographic!

- It's like a painting.

Loverboy being tended

bu his Liz

while spare prick Colin

looks on.

Oil on canvas.

I think I might paint that

when I get home,

give it to Archie's mum

on Pancake Day.

- Shut up.

Poor bastard.

- You all right, Col?

- I'm all right, Archie.

- What?

- I'm Archie.

- I'm Mal.

- Well, I'm not Colin.

- That's interesting.

- Eh?

- He's gone.

- Gone where?

Where you gone, son?

- There is no Colin.

No such man.

No such person.

You remember Colin, don't you?

'Course you do, his kindness,

his sweet nature.

Couldn't do enough, could he?

Family man, proud.

His kids, his home, his wife.

How he used to make her laugh,

spoil her, dote on her.

He met Colin, didn't you?

Last night.

Do you remember?

Ah, he met Colin all right,

the man Colin.

- Yeah, he f***ed

his f***ing wife, didn't he?

F***ed his f***ing wife.

- What?

And you wouldn't?

- What'd you say?

What'd she say?

- I said, "Given half a chance,

uou'd tru and f*** me. "

- Not now, I wouldn't.

- Well, when, then?

- Never.

F*** off.

What is this?

F***'s sake.

What?

The f*** is this?

Don't.

Don't do this, Col.

This ain't right.

What you trying to do?

Put me in a f***ing wardrobe?

Hey, I ain't going

in the f***ing wardrobe.

I refuse to go

in the f***ing wardrobe.

All right?

F***ing making me out

to be a...

- To be a what?

- Look,

she's a good-looking woman.

She's beautiful.

She's sexy.

She's horny.

F***ing Meredith said as much.

You'd have to be blind

not to notice, deaf and dumb.

Look, Colin, you've obviously

got a bee in your bonnet

about something, but all I done

was give her a light.

- I've told you.

I'm not Colin.

- Yeah?

Well, I'm not f***ing Liz.

He is.

Oh, f***ing hell.

- What are you staring at,

uou French c*nt?

Sitting there all superior.

Shut your mouth.

Shut your noise.

Shut uour eues.

Shut your f***ing eyes.

You're coming with me.

Well, this is it.

Here we are,

the master bedroom,

recently painted.

That's the bed.

See?

Tangled sheets?

That's the bathroom,

en suite.

Look, gold taps.

But don't worry about that.

Ignore that.

That's not why you're in here.

This is.

This.

Look.

Look, this, that.

That there.

That chest of drawers,

it's for a treasure, mate,

more treasure

than you can f***ing believe.

Should we have a look inside it,

shall we?

Yes, we f***ing shall.

What's this?

It's her underwear.

It's all soft and warm

and prettu.

We'll put that back.

What's in this one?

Ah, now that looks

interesting.

Bingo.

See this?

You see it?

You know what it is?

No?

It's a contract.

It's a marriage contract.

Do you know what it says?

"Mr. and Mrs. Colin Diamond. "

It's in black and white,

sure as the broken nose

on your face.

"Married by law before God. "

Now, there's

no getting around that, mate.

We have to accept that.

Tell you what.

Let's put that to one side.

What else we got?

Here's the little man

off the top of the cake.

Ah, don't he look handsome

in his morning suit

and spats and all?

That's me.

That's how small

you've made me feel.

I'm gonna

put him back in the drawer now

where he's safe,

away from you.

What's happening, Meredith?

- I'm not Meredith.

- It's your nightmare, Col.

I'm only the chauffeur.

I'm in the drive

waxing the roller.

I can feel her eyes on me,

scorching through

my dove gray uniform,

but I'm damned

if I'm gonna look back at her.

Think I'll have a fag.

It's hard work,

rubbing down a car.

What do I smoke, Col?

- Ambassadors.

- Ambassadors?

All right, get the old, ugly

red pack out,

put one in the mouth,

yellow clipper,

light it,

lean on the bonnet,

puff away.

And she's still

f***ing looking at me, ain't ya?

Hang on.

You're playing this safe, Col.

I'm homosexual.

This is more Mal.

- Oh, f***ing cheers, Meredith.

What am I doing here?

Is she looking at me?

Hold on.

What's she doing now?

She's licking

the bleeding glass.

What's she doing that for?

That's a bit weird, innit?

Bloody hell.

That's not right, that ain't.

That's wrong.

Take note, Colin.

This has nothing to do with me.

I'm simplu standing here,

minding me own business,

having a break,

having a KIT KAT.

- Theu ain't looking for

a gardener at this place

by any chance, are they?

- Don't think

you'd like that job.

Don't think you'd be interested

in that particular post.

- Why's that?

- Gardener fucks the maid.

- Sounds all right.

- You ain't seen the maid.

- I'll be all right.

I'll be wearing muddy gloves.

- What about me?

- Well, Col, since you ask,

you're the thing in the basement

with the hood on.

Lies!

Tell me

you don't love me, Liz.

- I don't love you.

- Come on.

Sau it.

I can take it.

Say you don't love me.

- I don't love you.

- Don't say that.

- What did you say?

- She don't love you, Col.

- You don't love me?

Not even a little bit?

You were my queen.

You were my rock.

I love you.

It's as simple as that

and as complicated,

whichever it is.

I'm not sure. I don't

I wish I knew.

I wish uou hadn't

have done this, Liz.

I really wish

you hadn't have done this.

I justI wish that we

Shut your f***ing mouth,

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